The letter I wrote to the neighbor with the barking dog

[malthaussen]

20. We have a similar problem in our apartment...

... a neighbor's dog begins barking as soon as the neighbor goes to work, and basically doesn't stop until she comes home. Except for brief breaks, I guess so the mutt can catch his breath. I fortunately don't hear it back in my room, but it makes the living room uninhabitable.

At times like this, I just channel Billy Collins:

"Another Reason Why I Don't Keep a Gun in the House"

The neighbors' dog will not stop barking.
He is barking the same high, rhythmic bark
that he barks every time they leave the house.
They must switch him on on their way out.

The neighbors' dog will not stop barking.
I close all the windows in the house
and put on a Beethoven symphony full blast
but I can still hear him muffled under the music,
barking, barking, barking,

and now I can see him sitting in the orchestra,
his head raised confidently as if Beethoven
had included a part for barking dog.

When the record finally ends he is still barking,
sitting there in the oboe section barking,
his eyes fixed on the conductor who is
entreating him with his baton

while the other musicians listen in respectful
silence to the famous barking dog solo,
that endless coda that first established
Beethoven as an innovative genius.

-- Mal