Your tax dollars at work. [View all]

[clarice]

Here is a list of my personal worst of the worst in federal waste:

Swedish massages for rabbits: $387,000

The National Institutes of Health paid this six figure sum to the National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine in order to discern whether Swedish massages would be helpful in recovering from an illness.

“A group of rabbits received daily rub downs from a 'mechanical device that simulates the long, flowing strokes used in Swedish massages.'”
Teaching Mountain Lions to Ride a Treadmill: $856,000

The National Science Foundation shelled out nearly a million taxpayer dollars to determine if captive mountain lions could be trained to ride a treadmill. The University of California-Santa Cruz researcher even boasted about receiving the grant saying, “People just didn’t believe you could get a mountain lion on a treadmill, and it took me three years to find a facility that was willing to try.” If anyone was wondering, it took the lions all of eight months to learn.

Studying how many times “hangry” people stab a voodoo doll: $331,000

After teaching mountain lions about treadmills, the National Science Foundation also funded a study to come up with the self evident conclusion that hungry people tend to be more angry and aggressive. They tested this theory by allowing spouses to poke pins into voodoo dolls as their “hanger” grew.

“Over the course of twenty-one consecutive evenings, 107 couples were given a chance to stick up to 51 pins into a voodoo doll representing their spouse. The pin-pushing happened in secret, away from the other partner. Participants then recorded the number of pins they poked into the dolls. Those tests revealed what may already be obvious to many couples: a spouse with low blood sugar was an angrier one, and stuck more pins in the doll.”
Studying the gambling habits of monkeys: $171,000

Another NSF grant funded the study of gambling monkeys. Under the guise of studying the “hot-hand bias” in human gamblers, the University of Rochester devised a computer game, taught monkeys to play it, and studied how they responded to winning and losing. A doctoral candidate who worked on the study seemed pleased to learn, “Luckily, monkeys love to gamble.” Taxpayers, on the other hand, will not be pleased to find out this study is set to continue through May of 2018.

Producing the children’s musical: Zombie in Love: $10,000


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The National Endowment for the Arts funded the production of a musical to die for. Aimed at children four and up, the musical tells the story of Mortimer the teenage zombie and his quest to find love and happiness. The NEA officials justified this use of tax money by saying that Mortimer “exemplifies anyone who has felt like an outsider.”

Funding a “Stoner Symphony”: $15,000

The location of this performance shouldn’t shock anyone. What is sure to shock taxpayers is the amount of their money that was provided to the Colorado Symphony Orchestra to host “Classically Cannabis: The High Note Series.” Not only was the program pot-related, the people were encouraged to inhale (and chow down) while watching.

“One of the three concerts, called Summer Monsoon, advertised on its website this way, ‘Smoke up and fill your belly with Manna’s spiced pork, Sesame Seed Teriyaki Chicken, & Filipino Empanadas.’”
Subsidizing Alpaca Poop: $50,000

In addition to this project making the cut for Sen. Coburn, this little gem was also covered by CNSNews.com last month. The U.S. Department of Agriculture shelled out a hefty sum to help develop and market Alpaca “Poop Packs” for use as fertilizer. This is government waste, literally.

Synchronized Swimming for Sea Monkeys: $307,524

This project garnered the support of three government agencies (National Science Foundation, Office of Naval Research, and U.S.-Israel Binational Science Foundation). In an effort to study the swirl created when sea monkeys move throughout the water, researchers developed a “laser guided,” “choreographed” team of synchronized swimming sea monkeys.

Produce a “Hallucinatory” Roosevelt/Elvis show: $10,000

In what could quite possibly be the weirdest project on this list, the NEA helped fund the production of a show about the hallucinatory journey of a girl pretending to be Elvis and gallivanting around with America’s 26th president.

“In one scene, Ann hallucinates that she is Elvis, and that she and Teddy are romping around their hotel room in their underwear, with Teddy eventually riding around on Elvis’s back as though he were a bucking bronco.”