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pipi_k

(21,020 posts)

14. But it's not merely

Thu Mar 15, 2012, 08:32 PM

Mar 2012

a matter of being strong and not letting her walk all over him.

Maybe he acts like he has no option because he really feels like he has no other option. Like he's trapped.

No job. Children. He probably still loves her.

I'm not even sure a marriage counselor would advise him to "be strong" and not let her walk all over him. To do so would, IMO, reinforce whatever victim feelings he might already have and make her the bad guy when she isn't.

I believe they need a third party intervention here in the form of a counselor who can help them figure out if the marriage is worth saving, from the POV of both of them.

If they get through that process and find they no longer care, then it's time to end it.

Again, we don't even know if he is the one who's really being walked all over here, in spite of her cheating...

What sort of story would SHE have?

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What would you do? (marital 'infidelity'?) [View all] trof Mar 2012 OP

leave her, fast boston bean Mar 2012 #1

"where there is smoke, ..." madinmaryland Mar 2012 #2

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #3

I believe people pipi_k Mar 2012 #4

this is my take. to stick around with someone treating you like that boston bean Mar 2012 #8

But people here pipi_k Mar 2012 #10

Of course it's just advice. boston bean Mar 2012 #12

But it's not merely pipi_k Mar 2012 #14

who knows??? boston bean Mar 2012 #15

me. too. seabeyond Mar 2012 #26

Yup me too seabeyond and boston bean. My husband and I had that convo before we were even married riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #35

We had the same discussion. boston bean Mar 2012 #37

We've had that discussion, too. You are in our you're out. No sitting on the fence. IndyJones Mar 2012 #52

It's sad when people pipi_k Mar 2012 #36

Nothing happens in a vacuum, you are right. boston bean Mar 2012 #38

Cheating is just a symptom of marriage problems, not the actual problem itself Major Nikon Mar 2012 #42

That is true, but that doesn't mean boston bean Mar 2012 #55

The hardest part is coming to terms with what caused the breakdown of the marriage Major Nikon Mar 2012 #75

seeking solace outside the relationship, is a what is wrong, no matter what! boston bean Mar 2012 #76

Actually in the vast majority of cases that's just a symptom and not the actual problem Major Nikon Mar 2012 #82

I understand they get past it. He needs to let her know this is unacceptable. boston bean Mar 2012 #83

Major Nikon, you speak the truth. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #108

There's a lot of new information regarding what makes for good relationships Major Nikon Mar 2012 #111

Thanks for that excellent piece! GliderGuider Mar 2012 #112

Yikes the Horse Whisperer is not about contempt! It's about working with an animal's instincts riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #113

There are plenty of parallels that can be drawn Major Nikon Mar 2012 #118

You tried to make an analogy using alpha/beta relationships, applying them to a marriage partnership riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #121

Hogwash Major Nikon Mar 2012 #122

Not sure if this is relevant, but in the book The Horse Whisperer, the main female character classof56 Mar 2012 #125

She needs to make a choice and until she does, she should move out. She made a vow and she's IndyJones Mar 2012 #53

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #69

I agree. You are a doormat or you're not. If he lets her go down that path, he loses respect and IndyJones Mar 2012 #51

He's seeing a shrink. He's asked her to go to family therapy. trof Mar 2012 #9

We're getting pipi_k Mar 2012 #16

Sounds like she's not willing to admit she's part of the problem Major Nikon Mar 2012 #43

He's probably scared. Wait Wut Mar 2012 #5

CALL A LAWYER RIGHT FUCKING NOW! ohiosmith Mar 2012 #6

+1 Gormy Cuss Mar 2012 #17

Or to look at his options for proactively doing so quakerboy Mar 2012 #71

i think.... an i dont know cause havent experienced seabeyond Mar 2012 #7

Yep. See a lawyer. Taverner Mar 2012 #19

we always have seabeyond Mar 2012 #23

Honestly, I think despite our views on vice, we mostly agree Taverner Mar 2012 #25

i was telling a friend seabeyond Mar 2012 #28

I love love love Salmon Taverner Mar 2012 #29

and i miss calif and all the fish i got there. nt seabeyond Mar 2012 #30

Whaddya want? Taverner Mar 2012 #31

1. Get a lawyer. Today riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #11

Self esteem? IT is not about self esteem. Drahthaardogs Mar 2012 #116

If you mentally change the genders of the parties Moondog Mar 2012 #13

infidelity is not a gender issue. denbot Mar 2012 #20

I'm not suggesting that he leave the home. Moondog Mar 2012 #22

Get a lawyer indeed Taverner Mar 2012 #18

I guess an open marriage is out of the question. MrScorpio Mar 2012 #21

Those are hard enough to negotiate going in, let alone after the papers have been signed. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #109

he needs to punch a motherfucker in the face. KG Mar 2012 #24

Seriously this. OriginalGeek Mar 2012 #47

Yep. Fix it so the motherfucker can't kiss anyone for a month or two. cliffordu Mar 2012 #61

This is just sad siligut Mar 2012 #27

It is, and this is pipi_k Mar 2012 #40

Aw, pipi, I'm sorry siligut Mar 2012 #41

The problem is almost always two sided Major Nikon Mar 2012 #44

Take an objective look. Sugarbazooka Mar 2012 #32

Haven't looked at the other replies, elleng Mar 2012 #33

If she needs some "space" give it to her. mysuzuki2 Mar 2012 #34

"space" is not what they need IF she wants to work this out dana_b Mar 2012 #39

I say stay out of it. nolabear Mar 2012 #45

This is the best advice IMHO. auntAgonist Mar 2012 #46

One unanswered question DFW Mar 2012 #48

He's married. trof Mar 2012 #54

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #58

In that case DFW Mar 2012 #60

honestly, who would want a pos that would not only do this to her man, but another woman seabeyond Mar 2012 #73

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #78

with ya. i can understand a mate falling out of love. but to do it with a married person... seabeyond Mar 2012 #79

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #80

Any answer you read on here is completely worthless jobycom Mar 2012 #49

Um, NO. A BIG, FAT NO FREAKING WAY! IndyJones Mar 2012 #50

I suspect its too late, but I would try to save things while protecting myself NOW dr.strangelove Mar 2012 #56

He needs to get a job. PassingFair Mar 2012 #57

I totally agree with this. LaurenG Mar 2012 #59

I would suggest a marriage counselor before a lawyer. Rosie1223 Mar 2012 #62

Maybe he should find a plaything of his own. kaitcat Mar 2012 #63

I can't think of a case where pipi_k Mar 2012 #67

Oh wow. I'm so sorry for bringing up that painful memory for you. kaitcat Mar 2012 #70

Oh no... pipi_k Mar 2012 #72

Thanks for that. kaitcat Mar 2012 #95

Nothing teaches us like experience. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #98

Thank you. kaitcat Mar 2012 #99

The Buddhists are right about the need for compassion. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #110

I wish I could give him a hug, buy him a drink ..... whatever. dawg Mar 2012 #64

I'm going to give you advice, and it will not be popular OmahaBlueDog Mar 2012 #65

Um... pipi_k Mar 2012 #66

I agree. You were more bold than I but yes. nolabear Mar 2012 #84

Well, that seems to make four of us versus the thread OmahaBlueDog Mar 2012 #101

I'll give you a "yes, but..." GliderGuider Mar 2012 #97

Ayayayayay....... OmahaBlueDog Mar 2012 #100

I'll expand it out a bit GliderGuider Mar 2012 #102

He should get a lawyer geardaddy Mar 2012 #68

I think your wife needs to sit down with her friend and knock some fucking sense in her head. HopeHoops Mar 2012 #74

Very sad all around Carolina Mar 2012 #77

I think plcdude Mar 2012 #81

does he want the marriage to continue? irisblue Mar 2012 #85

does he want the marriage to end? irisblue Mar 2012 #86

He'd still like to make it work. trof Mar 2012 #88

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #89

The daughters are 5 and 2. He has legal advice. trof Mar 2012 #91

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #92

My son got full custody and gets child support.. OriginalGeek Mar 2012 #124

this is all from all my painfully and expensively acquired knowledge irisblue Mar 2012 #87

Update. (I had no idea this would attract so many replies. Guess I hit a nerve?) trof Mar 2012 #90

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #93

btw... seabeyond Mar 2012 #94

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #105

It's very hard to say looking at it from the outside Major Nikon Mar 2012 #103

Nobody can know what's in someone else's heart, so I won't dump on either of them. But GliderGuider Mar 2012 #96

Let me tell you about my friend. no_hypocrisy Mar 2012 #104

LAWYER UP IMMEDIATELY. TODAY. Ikonoklast Mar 2012 #106

grrrrr supernova Mar 2012 #107

I would start seeing a counsellor with the wife. They have kids and she owes them that much. applegrove Mar 2012 #114

Tell him to avoid getting any advice from strangers on a message board. n/t Lil Missy Mar 2012 #115

Shoot the hostage. Take him out of the equation. Orrex Mar 2012 #117

^^^^^^^^thread winner^^^^^^^ Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #123

lawyer up now, and protect the assets for the childrens' sake grasswire Mar 2012 #119

Get a lawyer. BiggJawn Mar 2012 #120

What she means is.... mackattack Mar 2012 #126

I'm a marriage counselor and I read all of the replies Happyhippychick Mar 2012 #127

get a lawyer to screw the one who's working? i don't get it pitohui Mar 2012 #128

"he's fucking around while she's working" ScreamingMeemie Mar 2012 #129

That's not fair. dawg Mar 2012 #130