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kaitcat

(193 posts)

95. Thanks for that.

Fri Mar 16, 2012, 11:56 PM

Mar 2012

Some things are always there, though, no matter how much time passes. I'm grateful you have found a way to handle such heartbreak.

What I didn't say before and probably should have is the fact that I have been "companioning" with a married man for about 16 years now. I'm not married. I have zero desire to take him for myself or disrupt his "real life" in any way. I'm happy if I see him twice a year or every two weeks. It's always up to him. I don't know his last name, don't know where he lives, works, have his phone number or address. It works for us. The last time I saw him, I think I scared the stuffing out of him with my exploration in my 40s of the crazy things I I want from him. This gives me a somewhat perverted perspective on the OP I think, sets me up to be judged when most of the time I don't have the patience for that.

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130 replies

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What would you do? (marital 'infidelity'?) [View all] trof Mar 2012 OP

leave her, fast boston bean Mar 2012 #1

"where there is smoke, ..." madinmaryland Mar 2012 #2

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #3

I believe people pipi_k Mar 2012 #4

this is my take. to stick around with someone treating you like that boston bean Mar 2012 #8

But people here pipi_k Mar 2012 #10

Of course it's just advice. boston bean Mar 2012 #12

But it's not merely pipi_k Mar 2012 #14

who knows??? boston bean Mar 2012 #15

me. too. seabeyond Mar 2012 #26

Yup me too seabeyond and boston bean. My husband and I had that convo before we were even married riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #35

We had the same discussion. boston bean Mar 2012 #37

We've had that discussion, too. You are in our you're out. No sitting on the fence. IndyJones Mar 2012 #52

It's sad when people pipi_k Mar 2012 #36

Nothing happens in a vacuum, you are right. boston bean Mar 2012 #38

Cheating is just a symptom of marriage problems, not the actual problem itself Major Nikon Mar 2012 #42

That is true, but that doesn't mean boston bean Mar 2012 #55

The hardest part is coming to terms with what caused the breakdown of the marriage Major Nikon Mar 2012 #75

seeking solace outside the relationship, is a what is wrong, no matter what! boston bean Mar 2012 #76

Actually in the vast majority of cases that's just a symptom and not the actual problem Major Nikon Mar 2012 #82

I understand they get past it. He needs to let her know this is unacceptable. boston bean Mar 2012 #83

Major Nikon, you speak the truth. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #108

There's a lot of new information regarding what makes for good relationships Major Nikon Mar 2012 #111

Thanks for that excellent piece! GliderGuider Mar 2012 #112

Yikes the Horse Whisperer is not about contempt! It's about working with an animal's instincts riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #113

There are plenty of parallels that can be drawn Major Nikon Mar 2012 #118

You tried to make an analogy using alpha/beta relationships, applying them to a marriage partnership riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #121

Hogwash Major Nikon Mar 2012 #122

Not sure if this is relevant, but in the book The Horse Whisperer, the main female character classof56 Mar 2012 #125

She needs to make a choice and until she does, she should move out. She made a vow and she's IndyJones Mar 2012 #53

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #69

I agree. You are a doormat or you're not. If he lets her go down that path, he loses respect and IndyJones Mar 2012 #51

He's seeing a shrink. He's asked her to go to family therapy. trof Mar 2012 #9

We're getting pipi_k Mar 2012 #16

Sounds like she's not willing to admit she's part of the problem Major Nikon Mar 2012 #43

He's probably scared. Wait Wut Mar 2012 #5

CALL A LAWYER RIGHT FUCKING NOW! ohiosmith Mar 2012 #6

+1 Gormy Cuss Mar 2012 #17

Or to look at his options for proactively doing so quakerboy Mar 2012 #71

i think.... an i dont know cause havent experienced seabeyond Mar 2012 #7

Yep. See a lawyer. Taverner Mar 2012 #19

we always have seabeyond Mar 2012 #23

Honestly, I think despite our views on vice, we mostly agree Taverner Mar 2012 #25

i was telling a friend seabeyond Mar 2012 #28

I love love love Salmon Taverner Mar 2012 #29

and i miss calif and all the fish i got there. nt seabeyond Mar 2012 #30

Whaddya want? Taverner Mar 2012 #31

1. Get a lawyer. Today riderinthestorm Mar 2012 #11

Self esteem? IT is not about self esteem. Drahthaardogs Mar 2012 #116

If you mentally change the genders of the parties Moondog Mar 2012 #13

infidelity is not a gender issue. denbot Mar 2012 #20

I'm not suggesting that he leave the home. Moondog Mar 2012 #22

Get a lawyer indeed Taverner Mar 2012 #18

I guess an open marriage is out of the question. MrScorpio Mar 2012 #21

Those are hard enough to negotiate going in, let alone after the papers have been signed. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #109

he needs to punch a motherfucker in the face. KG Mar 2012 #24

Seriously this. OriginalGeek Mar 2012 #47

Yep. Fix it so the motherfucker can't kiss anyone for a month or two. cliffordu Mar 2012 #61

This is just sad siligut Mar 2012 #27

It is, and this is pipi_k Mar 2012 #40

Aw, pipi, I'm sorry siligut Mar 2012 #41

The problem is almost always two sided Major Nikon Mar 2012 #44

Take an objective look. Sugarbazooka Mar 2012 #32

Haven't looked at the other replies, elleng Mar 2012 #33

If she needs some "space" give it to her. mysuzuki2 Mar 2012 #34

"space" is not what they need IF she wants to work this out dana_b Mar 2012 #39

I say stay out of it. nolabear Mar 2012 #45

This is the best advice IMHO. auntAgonist Mar 2012 #46

One unanswered question DFW Mar 2012 #48

He's married. trof Mar 2012 #54

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #58

In that case DFW Mar 2012 #60

honestly, who would want a pos that would not only do this to her man, but another woman seabeyond Mar 2012 #73

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #78

with ya. i can understand a mate falling out of love. but to do it with a married person... seabeyond Mar 2012 #79

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #80

Any answer you read on here is completely worthless jobycom Mar 2012 #49

Um, NO. A BIG, FAT NO FREAKING WAY! IndyJones Mar 2012 #50

I suspect its too late, but I would try to save things while protecting myself NOW dr.strangelove Mar 2012 #56

He needs to get a job. PassingFair Mar 2012 #57

I totally agree with this. LaurenG Mar 2012 #59

I would suggest a marriage counselor before a lawyer. Rosie1223 Mar 2012 #62

Maybe he should find a plaything of his own. kaitcat Mar 2012 #63

I can't think of a case where pipi_k Mar 2012 #67

Oh wow. I'm so sorry for bringing up that painful memory for you. kaitcat Mar 2012 #70

Oh no... pipi_k Mar 2012 #72

Thanks for that. kaitcat Mar 2012 #95

Nothing teaches us like experience. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #98

Thank you. kaitcat Mar 2012 #99

The Buddhists are right about the need for compassion. GliderGuider Mar 2012 #110

I wish I could give him a hug, buy him a drink ..... whatever. dawg Mar 2012 #64

I'm going to give you advice, and it will not be popular OmahaBlueDog Mar 2012 #65

Um... pipi_k Mar 2012 #66

I agree. You were more bold than I but yes. nolabear Mar 2012 #84

Well, that seems to make four of us versus the thread OmahaBlueDog Mar 2012 #101

I'll give you a "yes, but..." GliderGuider Mar 2012 #97

Ayayayayay....... OmahaBlueDog Mar 2012 #100

I'll expand it out a bit GliderGuider Mar 2012 #102

He should get a lawyer geardaddy Mar 2012 #68

I think your wife needs to sit down with her friend and knock some fucking sense in her head. HopeHoops Mar 2012 #74

Very sad all around Carolina Mar 2012 #77

I think plcdude Mar 2012 #81

does he want the marriage to continue? irisblue Mar 2012 #85

does he want the marriage to end? irisblue Mar 2012 #86

He'd still like to make it work. trof Mar 2012 #88

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #89

The daughters are 5 and 2. He has legal advice. trof Mar 2012 #91

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #92

My son got full custody and gets child support.. OriginalGeek Mar 2012 #124

this is all from all my painfully and expensively acquired knowledge irisblue Mar 2012 #87

Update. (I had no idea this would attract so many replies. Guess I hit a nerve?) trof Mar 2012 #90

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #93

btw... seabeyond Mar 2012 #94

This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #105

It's very hard to say looking at it from the outside Major Nikon Mar 2012 #103

Nobody can know what's in someone else's heart, so I won't dump on either of them. But GliderGuider Mar 2012 #96

Let me tell you about my friend. no_hypocrisy Mar 2012 #104

LAWYER UP IMMEDIATELY. TODAY. Ikonoklast Mar 2012 #106

grrrrr supernova Mar 2012 #107

I would start seeing a counsellor with the wife. They have kids and she owes them that much. applegrove Mar 2012 #114

Tell him to avoid getting any advice from strangers on a message board. n/t Lil Missy Mar 2012 #115

Shoot the hostage. Take him out of the equation. Orrex Mar 2012 #117

^^^^^^^^thread winner^^^^^^^ Tuesday Afternoon Mar 2012 #123

lawyer up now, and protect the assets for the childrens' sake grasswire Mar 2012 #119

Get a lawyer. BiggJawn Mar 2012 #120

What she means is.... mackattack Mar 2012 #126

I'm a marriage counselor and I read all of the replies Happyhippychick Mar 2012 #127

get a lawyer to screw the one who's working? i don't get it pitohui Mar 2012 #128

"he's fucking around while she's working" ScreamingMeemie Mar 2012 #129

That's not fair. dawg Mar 2012 #130