That's it. I'm done. Sick of this shit. All of my nope, I am OUT!!! Completely fed up! GBCW! [View all]

[Scootaloo]

Yesterday, I stopped by the store on my way back from work. Grabbed a bunch of things, 'cause Fridays are my day off and I plan to sit on my ass the whole damn day being completely unproductive (don't judge me, you pull 13 hours on a factory floor, tell me if you want to do anything the next day.) Among the items of my purchase was a 10-pound sack of taters. Nothing special, just a bunch of russets, 'cause I'm Irish and these tubers are equal parts dietary staple and leatherman tool. I go through a lot of them.

Today, I decide, hey, it's pommes du terre o'clock, and go to slice one up for skillet fries.. .And I notice on this bag... this bag of russets, a sack of unwashed, gritty-like-batman-reboots root vegetables...

GLUTEN FREE!

This shit needs to stop. It needs ot stop now. I don't begrudge people with celiac disease. I don't even begrudge the fad-hoppers (I do judge them though. I judge them harshly!) but... But potato merchants, why are you putting GLUTEN FREE! on my taters?I forgave you when you put it on my cherry juice 'cause, I dunno, maybe you make something in your juicing plant that uses wheat, I don't fucking know.

But what I do know?
THESE: DO NOT EVER HAVE GLUTEN ANYWAY.

Now, root peddlers, I'm not accusing you of dishonesty. If anything you are being totally truthful. I just think that labeling your starchbombs as "gluten free" is on the same level as PepsiCo labeling aquafina as "fat free!" You know? Unless Coke is bottling Dasani with chunks of bacon in it, PepsiCo doesn't need to tell me that their water is fat-free. Similarly, I do not need to be told that a potato is free of that old devil gluten. Just as I do not need to be told that celery is "Vegan-friendly" or that salt "may contain sodium."

This has been the straw that broke my back. They've taken my potatoes. There's no turning back now. I'm on a path of glory. If you see on your TV that an unknown assailant has been wonking Whole Foods shoppers with a baguette, you know who it is. Wish me well, DU'ers!