STOCK MARKET WATCH -- Friday, 6 December 2013

[Demeter]

30. Drone On! by Tom O'Donnell

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/shouts/2013/12/drone-on.html?utm_source=tny&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=borowitz&mbid=nl_Borowitz%20%287%29



It seems like every time you open the paper or accidentally see a foreign news broadcast, people are talking about drones. Just Google “drone” and look at the sheer number of results. Don’t actually look at the results; look at the number of results. Yes, drones are a certified international phenomenon. (Just like the Beatles!) But as ubiquitous as they are overseas, unmanned aerial vehicles are currently underutilized here on the home front. No matter what your business or personal needs are, though, we feel confident that drones are the solution.

1. Book Delivery:You’ve placed your order; now it’s time to step outside onto your lawn. Soon, you hear a high-pitched clicking noise somewhere in the sky, miles above your head. You don’t see anything, but that sound means it’s time to dive out of the way. Now check the crater where you were just standing: it’s the new Clive Cussler! This is the future of the publishing industry.
   
   
2. E-Book Delivery: Our drones can also be used to easily drop proprietary e-readers on a populace that is generally unwilling to make the switch. Targets will find it much harder to complain about how e-books “aren’t tactile enough” while their roof is pelted loudly with hundreds of Kindles.
   
   
3. Pizza Delivery: Thirty minutes or less? Try receiving your pizza in thirty seconds or less, courtesy of a Joint Direct Attack Munition that has been specially modified to shoot pizzas at four thousand miles per hour (this keeps them warm). Don’t forget to thank your deliveryman. Just because he’s sitting at a computer in Arlington, Virginia, doesn’t mean he can’t hear you. He can hear you. He can always hear you.
   
   
4. Home Security: Want to know where your kids are? How about your wife? How about your wife’s new boyfriend? How about his wife and kids, who don’t even know anything about any of this? How about his parents in Indiana? Wouldn’t they be pretty disappointed to learn that their only son is making a mockery of the marriage vows he swore before God and man? What if a drone left them a note that explained everything, and we mean everything? Wouldn’t that make your home more secure?
   
   
5. Special Events: Do you wish there was an easier way to liven up a child’s birthday or bar mitzvah? Maybe you should call Droney, the loveable drone with the rad attitude! By placing a simple clown nose and a pair of sunglasses onto one of our drones, we can instantly create an adorable character that will delight children of all ages. Your kids will laugh as Droney does loop-de-loops or just hovers ominously above the party, making strangely little noise. Droney loves to play games, too, like hide-and-seek or pin-a-single-large-tail-somewhere-in-the-general-vicinity-of-the-donkey.
   
   
6. Pet Care: Taking your dog outside at all hours of the day is a hassle. Why not let us do the work? Simply attach your pet’s special nylon harness to one of our unmanned aerial vehicles and let us “walk” him around the block several hundred times in the same five minutes it would take you to do it once. In terms of sheer mileage covered, it’s a no-brainer. Not recommended for older pets.
   
   
7. Dentistry: Need a troublesome tooth removed? No problem. Just stand by an open window and smile, fully exposing the tooth that you have clearly marked with a large red X. Do not move your head. Do not stop smiling.

These are just a few potential applications of drones in the private sector, but the possibilities are limitless. I truly believe that that in the next three to five years, the use of unmanned aerial vehicles will revolutionize every aspect of the way we do business in this country. And I’m not just saying that because there are dozens of them silently watching me deliver this presentation from an altitude of six thousand feet! --- I’m smiling but that wasn’t a joke. I need all of you to clap. For the love of God, everyone clap.