What was High School like for you.

[Fearless]

21. Mine was ok I suppose...

Looking back I had it fairly easy in many ways. I was a very early grower and was constantly one of the larger people in my school. Not the largest by any means, the school was of just under 2000 students, but high enough up there that I don't think I ever worried about physical bullying. I suppose I was kind of an outcast. I know that seems to have a pretty standard negative connotation, but I think I've always been a bit of an old soul and fairly introverted to boot. So, I generally kept to a small group of friends, although never really let anyone get very close to me. Which even now is sometimes something I need for periods of time. I was fairly well liked, or at least not hated. I didn't belong to any particular cliques and could move between them pretty easily looking back. I was an honors student who took upper level classes, but loved gym class too. Maybe an odd combination, but it worked well for me. I was fairly athletic I suppose and sure kinda on the smarter side.

In terms of being gay, I wasn't really sure what I was. I had been seriously ill for part of high school and the idea of sexuality never reached the top of the list when I was unsure about my continued health, particularly for a six month or so period my junior year. Girls would flirt with me from time to time and my reaction would vary depending on if I thought they were nice people or not. If I thought they were nice, I was playful, if I thought they weren't I shut them down pretty handily. (One particular instance comes to mind, but I'll let sleeping dogs lie.) I was never attracted to them, but for someone who was fairly anti-social, some attention was well... nice I guess... It was nice to feel wanted I suppose, even if I didn't want them back in that same way. It never led to anything though. Just idle chat and such.

I was then, and have always been fairly masculine. I enjoy sports (watching and playing just about any), love competition, and was graced by a fairly deep voice and a bit of muscle. No one thought I was gay. Hell I didn't even know what I was. I grew up in a conservative Catholic family. Honestly, I really didn't understand the implications of "being gay" until well into high school, and I really didn't focus on them until senior year and then freshman year of college. I didn't refer to myself as gay until college either. There weren't any gay role models in my high school per se. There were some gay guys, but I never really saw a gay guy who was like me. Not to be disrespectful to my less traditionally masculine peers, but coming from a conservative family, reinforced by gender stereotypes, I didn't really feel like I fit in with the more traditionally feminine gay guys who were out in my school.

I don't think I was ever homophobic myself. I never made fun of gay people or compensated for feelings that I had that I didn't understand. To my regret, I don't think I ever defended them either, which if I could do again, I would do a thousand times over. Kids can be such assholes to each other sometimes.

Anywho, I guess this is long enough a trip down memory lane for me. PS, my screen name "Fearless" actually derives from the college period of my life, as I grew to understand who I was and what I wanted. Coming out in a very conservative family was a monumental and frankly frightening decision on my part, but I haven't regretted it a day since. Hence, fearless. To be fearless in driving for one's goals is to be free.

Cheers!
Fearless