... I'm really good at "explaining" my depression, or when things get really wild, my hallucinations and paranoia.
When I'm heading to my worst place my ability to judge my own mental state is the first thing that flies out the window.
But severe depression is just severe depression, no explaining necessary. For me depression is random shit that falls out of the sky, good times or bad. It's brain stuff no different than lung stuff like asthma, or heart stuff like arrhythmias, or high blood pressure, and all the other random medical stuff I've experienced.
At times I've found psych meds helpful, but I've also had meds fade. Sometimes I've quit psych meds cold turkey, against medical advice (a couple of times with terrifying consequences) because I didn't like the side effects.
Meds can be a merry-go-round but that's often better than the alternatives.
I've got some stories I don't tell here on DU, including my most recent lockup in the psych ward (I hear dead people and some of them are not nice...)
Somewhere along the line I just learned to roll with it and forgive myself for the times I've been much worse than a useless person.
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