I'm having a manic episode and I can't stand it

[hunter]

18. The letter thing never worked for me...

... as I'm likely to deliver such letters personally, any time, 24/7, even if I have to drive all night and a day.

My later teens and young adulthood were a time of burning bridges and tossing hand grenades back across the river just to make sure the message was received.

It later evolved into a kind of recklessness, self inflicted wounds that let me know I was still alive.

I think one of the more positive things I ever did was work as a day laborer, loading and unloading trucks. I once flunked organic chemistry because of that, since I missed too many classes, but at the end of a day loading and unloading trucks I hurt so much I knew I was alive, and $60, a couple of times a $100, deposited in Crocker's bank.

Having severely abused my young body in the 'seventies and early 'eighties, I don't have to do anything at all now to hurt but get out of bed. I'm the fucking tin man without an oil can. Still, that pain wasn't enough to keep me out of the psych ward last year. (My new meds are helpful. I'm not hearing voices, nor am I thinking it would be a good idea to study big sharks up close without a cage. In the dark.)

I've two siblings and a kid who deal with whatever this OCD/Depression thing is in the same way: punishing physicality. It wasn't until I was locked up last year that I realized I wasn't any different than people who cut themselves.