The Caucasian's Guide To Black Churches [View all]

[tishaLA]

<...> The first time I visited a Presbyterian church, I was floored. Even the most well-dressed worshippers wore wrinkled Dockers and boat shoes. I felt like it was so disrespectful to Jesus, but you know what they say: “White folks will wear Umbros to Easter Service.”

At Black churches, one must dress impeccably in CHURCH clothes. (Black children are taught at an early age the four classes of clothes: School Clothes, Play Clothes, Work Clothes, and Church Clothes.) Men’s church suits have twice as many buttons as business suits and don’t come in colors as much they come in flavors: There’s Skittles Green, Peach Faygo Pink, Grape Jolly Rancher Purple. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look no further than mustachioed comedian, game-show host, and bullshit-spreader Steve Harvey, who has managed to milk a fortune from his line of church suits. You can sometimes spot an out-of-habitat church suit at formal events, too, like when NFL players become commentators, or when deacons have court dates.

Women’s church dresses are simultaneously demure and racy. They are tailored to show less cleavage than usual and fall below the knee, but still highlight the roundness of the female buttocks. You see, once a woman attends church for 22 consecutive Sundays, her booty begins to get rounder, and her dress will show it. After about 20 years of Sundays, these women become church mothers, and all their dresses are then required to have sequins or rhinestones on them. I’m pretty sure there’s a bible verse about that. Sister Wilma showed it to me one time, but I forget where. <...> Deadspin