Now I lay me down to sleep...

[Control-Z]

66. It is a sick and twisted prayer.

From as young as I can remember my sister and I were made to say that prayer. We were taught to include, "god bless" mommy, daddy and each other at the end of the prayer. So, starting at a very young age, I went to bed each night in fear that one of us would die in our sleep. I realized that fear at the age of 7 when my mother did, in fact, die.

My father still made us say that prayer after my mother died. I believed I was cursed and became terrified of sleeping, sure that I would die, or that my sister or father would, if I slept. I prayed harder and longer each night, certain that I would be punished with death if I didn't. And at the end of my prayers, when I said god bless mommy, daddy, sister... I started adding the names of everyone I could think of that I loved and didn't want to die.

The list grew over the many long and sleepless nights - when I would remember yet another someone I loved who needed to be on it - until it was so long it took me hours to finish praying. If I accidentally skipped someone on the list I would have to start the prayer over. If I started dozing off before I got through the list, I had to start over. I made bargains and new conditions for years and years. It was a nightly hell of crippling, ritual prayer - begging for my life, and for the life of everyone I loved or even ever met.