Atheists & Agnostics

onager

(9,356 posts)

5. There once was a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

Wed Feb 22, 2012, 10:44 PM

Feb 2012

Mary was a round young virgin.

God cruises around Heaven in a vintage Plymouth. ("He drove them from the Garden in a Fury.&quot

The apostles preferred more fuel-efficient, if crowded, Japanese transportation. ("They left in one Accord.&quot

Jesus didn't much like fig trees.

According to Jesus H. Christ Hisself, one of the worst sins is calling someone a "fool." You can go straight to Hell for that. Naturally, with the Buy-bull's usual consistency, just a few verses later Jesus calls the Pharisees...fools!

The leopard cannot change his spots. Therefore slavery - a natural God-given condition of Certain Races, until we fallible human beings screwed everything up and started emancipating people. (I was raised as a Southern Baptist.)

And as a former Southern Baptist, I could be here all night...

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Funny things I learned in church [View all] OriginalGeek Feb 2012 OP

not really the Church teaching me, but ... zbdent Feb 2012 #1

lol, I think that's a fair life lesson OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #2

LOL RKP5637 Feb 2012 #30

Christian against Christian battles at my church.... Curmudgeoness Feb 2012 #3

Oh for sure we learned all that OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #7

Kinda gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling, Curmudgeoness Feb 2012 #22

Well, I wasn't evil, so to speak ... but Santorum seems to be ... zbdent Feb 2012 #13

LOL, No, on Fridays, it is Curmudgeoness Feb 2012 #21

That Judas's full name was frogmarch Feb 2012 #4

There once was a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. onager Feb 2012 #5

David was a biker OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #8

I used to know a bunch more of these OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #29

My church taught me that burning to death was too good for me FiveGoodMen Feb 2012 #6

We had to watch a movie called "The Burning Hell" OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #9

How awful. I'd say that showing kids frogmarch Feb 2012 #10

I was maybe 13 or 14 when we saw it OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #11

Sorry you had to endure that! frogmarch Feb 2012 #12

Thank you OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #14

He sounds like a real piece of work, frogmarch Feb 2012 #15

In the last 15 years OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #16

Ohhh, sorry your mom frogmarch Feb 2012 #20

What the peace sign means. Neoma Feb 2012 #17

lol that makes sense OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #18

Garfunkle's solo albums I could understand, just on principle... Neoma Feb 2012 #19

My church preached against tobacco use OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #28

I thought it was supposed to be the dove's footprint? Taverner Feb 2012 #46

Oh, good grief, so many. iris27 Feb 2012 #23

I graduated in 81 from a christian high school OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #24

Yeah, I don't know of many other "escapees" from my school, either. iris27 Feb 2012 #26

Ooh yeah, my brothers don't engage in open hostility OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #27

The penis statues they frogmarch Feb 2012 #25

Not in church, but from a religious type - when you die, you get to take all of RKP5637 Feb 2012 #31

lol! Heaven Cents! OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #32

How about, "In God we Trust, Inc." Deposit your "Heaven Cents" now. Limited time RKP5637 Feb 2012 #33

We're gonna be RICH! OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #36

50/50 sounds good to me! We can sell stock too, get the relatives to buy our bank stocks!!! RKP5637 Feb 2012 #37

A dead guy on a stick is going to save us. HopeHoops Feb 2012 #34

My wife punches me in the arm OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #35

As someone once said someplace, "if" "if" "If" Jesus ever returned, about the last thing RKP5637 Feb 2012 #38

"HE hates these CANS! MORE CANS!" HopeHoops Feb 2012 #40

Well, just pray harder, that's sure worked well for the end of wars, health problems and RKP5637 Feb 2012 #39

That I am going to hell because I am incapable of blind faith. Odin2005 Feb 2012 #41

That mental illness doesn't really exist MountainLaurel Feb 2012 #42

"Birds of a feather should flock together" OriginalGeek Feb 2012 #43

I never went to church formally, but I'd accompany my friends. pink-o Feb 2012 #44

LOL I remember that: "the broken cross" Taverner Feb 2012 #45

kick laconicsax Mar 2012 #47