Anyone here been through relationship counseling w/ your partner?

[Dora]

Did it work?

We were told at the onset of this counseling experience that "things will get worse before they get better." At the time, he and I both chuckled and gave thanks for the warning. Well, I'm not feeling very thankful today. I feel tired and beaten down, and I think he does too, but I am incapable of empathy right now.

Somebody please tell me that it does get better.

[Longhorn]

1. We did some family counseling.

A few years ago, we were concerned about our oldest daughter. Her sisters were telling us that she was in an abusive relationship. She was an adult so we certainly couldn't order her to break up -- not that that would have worked on a teen, either. Her sisters were talking to us about her -- she would retaliate by telling us stuff about them. Our son was also starting to give us trouble. We frankly didn't know how to keep all of this from tearing the family apart. The focus of the counseling was on the oldest, though. We kind of tricked her into coming by telling her we wanted to work on our relationship with her (she wouldn't have agreed to come if she knew we were mostly worried about her relationship with her fiance.) However, the "trick" was on us because we did end up working on our relationship, not only with her but with all of our children. We had a few sessions with the entire family and we paid for a few sessions for our daughter alone with the therapist, who invited the fiance to join them on one occasion.

Yes, I agree that it gets worse before it gets better. A lot of issues were brought up and feelings were discussed that were hurtful. Even though you know you bear some responsibility -- that it is never completely the others' fault -- it still hurts to hear the complaints. At first, it wasn't apparent that the counseling was helping, since everyone seemed to get angrier than before. But we were able to agree to some ground rules as a family, such as keeping Dad and me out of sibling squabbles and being honest with one another. Though our daughter will probably never admit that counseling had anything to do with it, she eventually broke up with her fiance (we found out that it wasn't a physically abusive relationship, that they were equally verbally abusive to one another.) The counseling helped us transition from a family of parents and children to a family of adults.

Counseling doesn't guarantee the desired results, of course, but it can help you define the issues and make a plan for resolving conflicts. Some things cannot be resolved but even then, a person who has learned to be honest with himself and his feelings is still in a stronger place, even if the relationship doesn't make it. I don't regret the time or money we spent and I do feel like our family is better for it, as painful as it was.

Good luck! I hope everything works out for both of you! :hug:

[Dora]

2. Thanks, Longhorn.

I'm feeling a little bit better now.

[latebloomer]

3. Worked for us!

My husband and I have had years of counseling. At first, yes, it can seem worse instead of better, because so much tends to fester in a relationship where two people don't know how to communicate with each other, and it can be painful to bring it all out.

But we found that it vastly improved our relationship, and we kept going for a long time after the crisis had passed, just because it was so good to have a weekly forum to talk about what was going on.

Can't guarantee what will happen in your particular case-- I have known couples who decided in the course of counseling to split up. At least it became clear that it wasn't going to work, instead of languishing in misery for years, and they were able to move on.

Good luck to you!!