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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 29)
July
30, 2001
People Who Live In Ice Houses Edition
This week's number one, Governor Mike Huckabee, has truly
reached new heights of idiocy. But to be fair, the rest of
the pack is doing their best to keep up. Trent Lott (3) returns
for a third straight week, giving him the much-coveted Idiot
Hat-trick, and George W. Bush's super-succesful trip to Europe
earns him the number four slot. Katherine Harris slips from
the last week's top spot to the number five position this
week, and John Ashcroft (6) and FOX News (7) make long-awaited
comebacks. As always, don't forget the key.
Enjoy!
 Mike
Huckabee 
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Mike Huckabee, Governor of Arkansas, is not exactly well
known for his smarts. Previous gaffes have included calling
his own state a banana republic, and praising a website that
joked about killing Bill Clinton. But a report in last week's
Knoxville News-Sentinel has given Governor Mike a
big push all the way to the top of this week's chart. The
News-Sentinel revealed that Huckabee was recently tricked
by a Canadian broadcaster into believing that Canada's Parliament
building was actually made out of ice, and recorded a message
of support to the Canadian people. "Hi, I'm Mike Huckabee
of Arkansas," said the Governor without a hint of irony,
"wanting to say, 'Congratulations, Canada, on preserving
your national igloo.'" And before you start sending us
e-mails suggesting that "surely nobody could be that
pig-ignorant" - we didn't
make this up.
 Philip
Giordano
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- While America continues to be violently bludgeoned about
the face and neck with news of who Gary Condit was boinking,
Republican child-molesters are quietly going to jail. Last
week, according to the Hartford Courant, Mayor Philip
Giordano of Waterbury, CT, was arrested by the FBI for "using
an interstate facility to entice a minor to engage in sexual
activity, and conspiracy to use an interstate facility to
entice a minor to engage in sexual activity." Real nice.
The good news is that Giordano is being held without bail
and faces up to ten years in prison. But how about a side
of idiocy to go with your plate of scumbag? The mayor announced
last week that "he would not seek a fourth, two-year
term." Um, no kidding.
 Trent
Lott
Last week: 3 Weeks
on chart: 9 - Does this man have no shame? Let's
set aside for a moment his amusing comments last week on how
the media should start asking questions about Tom Daschle's
hair - obviously he fails to spot the difference between Daschle's
thick, powerful, full-bodied man-mane and his own flimsy,
spray-on slaphead-protector - and turn quickly to more important
matters. Here's the story: Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) wants
the Department of Transportation to set up more stringent
safety checks on Mexican trucks before the border is opened
to them. This caused Trent to suffer an apoplexy, and contradictory
to the much-beloved Republican mantra that it's the Democrats
who are perpetrating race warfare, he appeared on a bunch
of talk shows claiming that Democrats are "anti-Hispanic"
and "anti-Mexican." Gee, that's going to go a long
way towards "bipartisanship" and "changing
the tone," ain't it? Those GOPers aren't anti-Hispanic
though. They're perfectly happy to let Mexicans into America.
Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Mexican trucks into America.
 George
W. Bush
Last week: 6 Weeks
on chart: 21
- Anyone who saw George W. Bush's meeting with the Pope last
week would have pondered this question - was he literally
scared stiff, or had he just shat his pants? Regardless, George
suffered a public ear-bashing from His Holiness on the subjects
of stem-cell research (which George may or may not be in favor
of) and the death penalty (which George is not only in favor
of, but has taken out for drinks, bought dinner for, and attempted
to have sex with). Earlier in the week, Bush suffered the
ignominy of massively unfavorable coverage in the British
press after leaked information revealed that Tony Blair was
forced to explain global warming to him v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
But no matter. At least George still has a soul-mate in Vladimir
Putin. So let's recap... he was smacked down by the Pope,
patronized by the British Prime Minister, and solidified his
position as the ex-KGB chief's bitch. It all adds up to another
successful European trip for George W. Bush!
 Katherine
Harris
Last week: 1 Weeks
on chart: 7
- In a statement two weeks ago, Katherine Harris responded
to the New York Times report which called her a great
big lying cheat: "I administered Florida's election laws fairly,
consistently and evenhandedly throughout the election controversy.
The proof of this fact is in the New York Times article
itself, which quotes both the Bush and Gore camps as having
complained about the law I cited in my public statements."
See that? The New York Times actually exonerated
Katherine. Funny, then, that last week Harris accused the
NYT of making a "libelous charge" by reporting that the GOP
set up a "war room" in her office during the recount
process. Libelous, eh? That's quite an accusation. Tell you
what, Katherine - I've got a challenge for you. Put your money
where your mouth is. Come on, get those libel lawyers fired
up! I'm waiting... (but I'm not going to hold my breath).
 John
Ashcroft
RETURN! Weeks
on chart: 7
- And so it comes to this. Last week, on the order of John
Ashcroft, a Houston reporter was jailed - yes, jailed - for
refusing to turn over notes and tape recordings, which would
have identified her confidential sources, to federal prosecutors.
And here's the ironic icing on the cake - the hearing was
closed to the public at the government's request, the transcript
was sealed, and the name of the judge who sentenced her for
contempt of court has not been made public. Looks like the
Bush administration has been getting some tips from their
new pal, Vlad Putin. So do you think that this will shake
the media out of it's coma? We can only hope. Although don't
expect to hear much about this on FOX News - they're already
working on their bid to become America's first state-run news
service.
 FOX
News
RETURN! Weeks
on chart: 3
- Speaking
of FOX News, here's an interesting story from last week. Neil
Cavuto did a piece on Abercrombie & Fitch's catalog (which
features naked models) and brought in Robert Jones of the
"Gay Inclusive Advertising Campaign" to talk about
it. FOX News obviously knows that their audience hates having
the "gay agenda shoved in their faces," and so decided
to whip up a bit of a frenzy by showing, according to GLAAD,
"a line of questioning from Cavuto that, combined with
the sexual on-screen images from the A&F catalog, gave the
segment a sense of lurid innuendo." Meanwhile Robert
Jones made a bizzarely
halfhearted attempt to suggest that Abercrombie &
Fitch weren't using "positive gay imagery." Picture
Billy-Bob crashed out on his sofa, hypnotized by FOX News:
"Hey Lurleen, them gays are shoving their agenda in my
face again! And lookee, they've even got a GAY who don't like
it!" But here's the fascinating punchline: after GLAAD
did a bit of investigating, they discovered that the "Gay
Inclusive Advertising Campaign" doesn't exist. That's
right - FOX News were reporting the views of a man from a
fictional organization. So what's the story? Did they just
fail to check the credibility of Robert Jones? Or did they
just invent the organization for their own purposes? Either
way, it's further proof that you can't believe anything FOX
News tells you.
 The
Department of Defense
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Last week we all heard about how fabulously
successful the anti-ballistic missile test was. See, we had
no trouble shooting down that test nuke - what more proof
do you need that the system is going to be an unmitigated
success? The test was loudly trumpeted by the DOD as proof
that the anti-ballistic missile system was on track. But days
later it was quietly revealed that the test nuke carried a
beacon which constantly relayed its position to the interceptor
missile, making it just a teensy bit harder to miss.
So lets hope that when those "rogue nations" start
flinging ICBMs in our direction they have the good courtesy
to let us know in advance the exact date and time of the launch,
and make sure that they put a homing beacon inside so that
we can shoot it down. Surely anything else would be unsportsmanlike.
 Crittenden,
Lideen, Olson, and O'Beirne
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Danielle Crittenden, Barbara Lideen, Barbara
Olson, and Kate O'Beirne did their bit for the Bush administration's
"Great Leap Backward" last week, appearing in an
article
in Britain's Daily Telegraph to bemoan the rotten
state of feminism in America. These four rich, privileged
Republicans had the gall to ask America to "take back the
vote - we've used it unwisely. We'd like to give it back to
our husbands." Ha ha. Susan B. Anthony must be writhing in
her grave. The whoresome foursome went on to explain that
Bush would have won by a landslide if women hadn't been allowed
to vote (hmm, yes - and he would have won by a landslide if
blacks or gays hadn't been allowed to vote too. Screw it -
we should just not let Democrats vote and be done with
it). Barbara Olson went on to explain why George W. Bush is
so much better than Bill Clinton: "Look at Bill Clinton's
mother, as opposed to George W's mother. Is your mother a
barfly who gets used by men? Or is your mother a strong woman
who demanded respect for her ideas and always received it?"
Perhaps this could be more honestly rephrased as: "Look at
Bill Clinton's mother, as opposed to George W's mother. Is
your mother a poor single mother who had to work hard and
fight for everything she ever had, and still managed
to overcome that adversity to raise a son who became president
of the United States of America? Or is your mother a privileged
trophy-wife who married into a millionaire's family and raised
a son who drank till he was 40, lived his entire life relying
on his family name to get him out of trouble, and had the
presidency bought for him by a bunch of his father's friends?"
 Tina
Rivera
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- And finally, a story which was sent to us by
an alert reader last week. Tina Rivera writes in an article
on the site familynook.com,
that "there are no ways for us to prevent our children
from seeing lewd and sexual images as they walk down the street."
Yes folks, she's talking about Victoria's Secret. "You
can imagine how shocked and disheartened I was to see...huge
posters of a naked woman, who only covered herself with her
hands," writes Tina of a visit to the local mall. Apparently
Tina had an unfortunate experience with a porno mag when she
was younger, which has "been embedded in my brain for
over twenty years," and causes her to gag at the site
of the female body. But that's not the worst of it: "As
my family and I walked past Victoria's Secret, my six-year-old
caught sight of the life size posters in their windows. I
was devastated when I saw the look on his face as he ogled
the woman." Cheer up Tina, at least he's not gay! See
you next week...
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