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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 32)
August
20, 2001
Swimming With The Sharks Edition
Leaping Limbaughs! The media world was abuzz last week with
the news that CNN (1) has thoroughly debased itself by grovelling
at the feet of Rush. That's Rush (2), the man who blames the
current upsurge in shark attacks on anyone who didn't vote
for George W. Bush. Elsewhere on the chart we have Kimberly
Strassel (4), cockfighting afficionado and Clinton-hater,
and Dick Cheney (6) who appears to want to eat himself to
death. Bringing up the rear are Drew Lewis (9), ex-Secretary
of Transportation and now also ex-transportation, and George
W. Bush (10) who has simply gone mad. Enjoy - and as always,
don't forget the key.
 CNN 
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Well well well. Two weeks ago Walter Isaacson, the head
of CNN, was tooling around Capitol Hill on a mission to make
his news network more right-wing than it already is (see Idiots
30). Funnily enough, all the congressional Republicans he
grovelled to must have given him the same piece of advice
- hire Rush Limbaugh. Last week it was revealed that CNN had
indeed approached Limbaugh, although the Fat One was apparently
unwilling to commit at this point. So here it is, folks -
the end of CNN's long and desperate slide from serious news
network to third-rate infotainment cable channel. Remember
the heady days of the Gulf War? Ah, it was the best of times
- 24-hour live feed from Baghdad, cruise missiles zipping
by, Christiane Amanpour in combat fatigues as flak burst in
the night sky - and now they've been reduced to fellating
a fat, fraudulent windbag just so they can out-nazi FOX News.
Pathetic.
 Rush
Limbaugh
RETURN! Weeks
on chart: 7
- And lookee here, it's the fat, fraudulent windbag himself!
One of our readers reported that Pigboy was making some really
quite outrageous statements on his show last week, blaming
the recent increase in shark attacks on - you guessed it -
liberals. "But... but... but...!" I hear you stammer.
Yes, you heard right - it's all the fault of those damn liberal
Environmentalist Wackos don'tcha know, stupidly allowing the
sharks to breed freely in their natural environment instead
of wiping them out in a fish-murdering frenzy of biblical
proportions. What is the world coming to when people can't
enjoy a dip in the ocean without having to commit a spot of
inter-species genocide, eh? Although I can understand why
Rush is more concerned about this than most people - I'm sure
a shark could easily mistake him for an elderly sea-lion,
or possibly a baby sperm whale. Tasty.
 ANWR
Drilling Proponents
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Isn't
it amazing how the proposed ANWR drilling will take place
in an area only one-fifth the size of Washington's Dulles
airport (a figure oft-repeated by Dick Cheney), and yet will
employ 700,000 people (according to Alaska Senator Frank Murkowski)?
Yes, it is truly amazing. And, amazingly - untrue. Here's
how it works - in 1980 Congress set aside 1.5 million ANWR
acres for drilling, but Republican Congressman John Sununu
of New Hampshire managed to get an amendment added to the
energy bill which would limit drilling to just 2,000 of those
acres. There's your Dick Cheney figure. But what proponents
of drilling fail to mention is that that the 2,000 acres is
spread out over the entire 1.5 million acres. According
to a recent Time article,
"Each drilling platform can take up as little as 10 acres.
The pipelines are above ground. For space purposes, the amendment
counts only the ground touched by the stanchions holding up
the pipe." Oh, and of course road widths are conveniently
left out of the calculation. According to a Sierra Club spokesman,
"It's like a fishing net. If you count just the space of the
string's width, that's small. But if you open up a fishing
net and count the area it covers, that's much larger." And
what of the 700,000 new jobs? Well to put it bluntly, it's
bullcrap. That figure comes from an eleven-year-old study
commissioned by, you guessed it, the American Petroleum Institute.
But of course, they won't tell you about this on the nightly
news - unless, presumably, someone is caught having sex with
a moose.
 Kimberley
Strassel
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- An astute reader spotted this fascinating story last week
at ConWebWatch.com:
unbeknownst to most people, the Wall Street Journal
will stoop so low to attack a Clinton that they will even
defend the barbaric practice of cockfighting. Two weeks ago,
regular columnist Kimberley Strassel wrote an article in the
WSJ blasting Senator Hillary Clinton for aiming to "strangle
America’s game fowl industry." You see, cockfighting
is banned in 47 states, but breeding birds for the
"sport" is legal everywhere. Strassel claimed that
Clinton's bill would ban interstate transportation of fighting
birds, depriving breeders of their livelihood, and trampling
on state's rights. But not only does Strassel have to glorify
cockfighting in her attempt to smear Senator Clinton, the
truth is that Clinton didn't even author the bill - it has
been worked on for the last three years by Senator Wayne Allard
of Colorado, a Republican. Hillary was one of 29 senators
who co-sponsored the bill, adding twenty amendments which
had nothing whatsoever to do with cockfighting. But to hear
Strassel tell it, you'd think that a power-crazed Hillary
was single-handedly trying to destroy the livelihoods of honest,
hard-working red-staters. Don't take our word for it - read
the ConWebWatch article.
We guarantee you'll like it.
 Utah
Republicans
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Ha ha! The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that
some Utah GOPers will be feeling a little underprotected
at their party convention this August. Because Dick Cheney
is expected to attend the conference, security will be a little
tighter than normal - which means that attendees won't be
allowed to bring their guns into the exposition center. They
are - surprise - pissed off. Women Against Gun Control founder
Janalee Tobias said, "I know there are a lot of people
who are a little upset about this. It makes them feel uncomfortable
to be without their gun." Ah yes. But the question remains:
why do Salt Lake GOPers feel that they're going to need their
guns at the party conference anyway? One popular theory is
that it's because they're a bunch of slack-jawed, square-dancing,
banjo-duelling yokels. But Democratic Underground would of
course never endorse this opinion.
 Dick
Cheney
RETURN! Weeks
on chart: 12
- Doctor's orders? Pah! Fresh from having a portable defibrillator
plugged into his ailing ticker, the veep has decided that
real men don't eat vegetables (unless they're deep fried of
course). According to the New York Times, Death Wish
Cheney was spotted at his wife's 60th birthday party last
week tucking into a hearty plate of steak and battered onion
rings. Perhaps it's his way of saying he's tired of being
Dubya's babysitter, or perhaps he just can't get enough of
that sweet red meat. Here's my prediction for the first line
of Dick's obituary: "Richard B. Cheney, former vice-president
of the United States of America, loved his grease - perhaps
a little too much."
 Jane
Swift
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Perjury
by an elected official? Surely this is grounds for impeachment!
Yeah - in your dreams. How about a $100 fine? That's what
Massachusetts Governor Jane Swift got when it was revealed
last week that she and her husband, Charles Hunt, lied on
their 1994 marriage application by saying he had been married
only once before, when in fact he had been married, um, three
previous times. According to the Boston Globe, Swift
said that they were trying to keep her husband's "private
life private," and they obviously "made a misguided
decision." She's a Republican, so that's okay. See how
this works?
 Donald
Rumsfeld
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Help is on the way! ABC News released
details of Rumsfeld's defense plans last week, which include
eliminating a carrier battlegroup (6,000-8,000 sailors, 80
airplanes, three to five support ships), 15,000 troops based
in Europe, 30,000 troops from the National Guard and three
fighter squadrons (about 70 planes and more than 1,000 people).
Help is on the way! After Bill Clinton was constantly bashed
by Republicans for shrinking the U.S. military, the Pentagon
has now decided that "it is essential to cut forces if
the United States is going to realistically meet overseas
commitments." Help is on the way! The cuts are needed
to pay for the administration's proposed (and highly dubious)
missile defense system, and the new F-22 fighter (which was
incidentally designed to fight wars against the former Soviet
Union). Help is on the way! Yep, sure it is - as long as you're
Lockheed-Martin and not the average U.S. serviceman.
 Drew
Lewis
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1 - As well as having a name made up
of two characters from The Drew Carey Show, Drew Lewis
also used to work for Ronald Reagan as Secretary of Transportation.
Lewis was so good at his job that he was replaced by Elizabeth
Dole in 1983. But ironically, the ex-Secretary of Transportation
seems to have a bit of a problem with... transportation. Last
week, Drew Lewis was arrested for drunk driving after he flipped
his Lincoln Navigator while... um, leaving his driveway. Lewis's
second faux pas occurred when he told the police officer who
responded to the accident that he was "too drunk to get
out," according to the Allentown Morning Call.
Lewis faces thirty days in jail if convicted, which he won't
be, because he used to be Secretary of Transportation. But
surely the real question is: I don't care how drunk you
are, how the hell do you flip a Lincoln Navigator while leaving
your driveway?!?!
 George
W. Bush
Last
week: 10 Weeks on chart: 24
- And finally, just a few weeks ago George W.
Bush insisted on adding a new item to the West Wing mess menu
- peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (with three different
kinds of jelly, naturally). But now the New York Daily
News reports
that Dubya will "not stop until he makes the mess look like
the inside of a Sizzler steakhouse." Yes, peace in the Middle
East may be a toughie, but when it comes to his lunch Dubya
knows exactly where he stands. Last week he called for a salad
bar to be installed in the mess, complete with a "see-through
plastic sneezeguard." Perhaps he just wants to prove
that, despite all appearances to the contrary, his policies
are indeed more effective than wet lettuce. Or is there an
ulterior motive for installing a salad bar? The New York
Post revealed last week that Dubya never leaves home without
a copy of his favorite book of all time, The Very Hungry
Caterpillar (go here
and search for "hungry caterpillar" for the story).
Laura Bush claimed two years ago that the book was Dubya's
favorite "from childhood," despite the fact that
it was written in 1969, one year after he graduated from Yale.
Anyway, according to the Post, Bush's handlers always
have a copy of the book on hand, and he has been "spotted
turning its pages" on trips to New Orleans, Phoenix, San Diego
and elsewhere. So could it be that the secret motive behind
Dubya's salad bar scheme is... to attract a very hungry caterpillar
all of his own? See you next week!
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