The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 33)
August 27, 2001
Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass Edition

Two famous North Carolinian racists top the chart this week. First up is Don Davis, who failed to see any harm in sending out a bit of White Supremacist e-mail to his colleagues in the NC state House. Second up is Jesse Helms, and as a mark of respect for the old ratbag - I mean, retiring senator - we've compiled a small retrospective of some of his best quotes. Further down the list we find George W. Bush (5) getting a little tired and confused, and Christie Todd Whitman (6) getting a little snippy. Bringing up the rear are daddy's boys Strom Thurmond Jr. (8) and Eugene Scalia (9), and let's not forget Orrin Hatch (10), songwriter extrordinaire. Enjoy - and as always, don't forget the key.

Don Davis
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - You asked for it, and you got it. Overwhelmingly nominated this week, and rightfully so, state legislator Don Davis of North Carolina pushed everyone's buttons. So what's the story? Well, if you haven't heard by now, Don Davis did something that we've all done from time to time: he received an e-mail which he thought would be of interest to others, and forwarded it. Unfortunately, the e-mail, which Davis forwarded to every member of the state House and Senate, said, "Two things made this country great: White men and Christianity." The message went on to say that all of America's current problems "can be directly traced back to our departure from God's Law and the disenfranchisement of White men." Uproar ensued. After initially stating that "there's a lot of it that's truth," Davis realized his huge political gaffe and proceeded to release a statement of pure, unmitigated balderdash: "I am not now nor have I ever been a racist." Um, whatever.

Jesse Helms
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - Speaking of insane North Carolinian racists, it's with a heavy heart we bid adieu to Jesse Helms, who announced last week that he would not be retiring in 2003. To commemorate Helms's 30 years of idiocy, here are a few choice quotes from the golden years of "Senator No," courtesy of The Hotline. On Clinton-era HUD appointee Roberta Actenberg: "She's not your garden-variety lesbian. She's a militant-activist-mean lesbian." On Bill Clinton visiting North Carolina: "Mr. Clinton better watch out if he comes down here. He'd better have a bodyguard." On AIDS: "We've got to have some common sense about a disease transmitted by people deliberately engaging in unnatural acts." After debating Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun on the "virtues" of the Confederate Flag: "I'm going to sing 'Dixie' to her until she cries." During a debate on investigating Mexican corruption: "All Latins are volatile people. Hence, I was not surprised at the volatile reaction." From a direct mail fundraising appeal: "Your tax dollars are being used to pay for grade school classes that teach our children that CANNIBALISM, WIFE-SWAPPING, and the MURDER of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior." And finally: "The New York Times and The Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals..." Ah, Jesse, you will be sorely missed. And don't let the door hit you in the ass and knock your false teeth out when you leave.

Linda Tripp
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - You know how conservatives are always telling people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, get a job, and stop asking for handouts? Well perhaps Linda Tripp should take their advice. In a recent letter to GOP supporters, Tripp grovels pitifully for cash donations towards her "defense fund" (she apparently has $2 million in legal fees), whining, "I won't make $100,000 per speech. I didn't run for Senate. I'm not selling purses." Well pardon me, but boo-fricking-hoo Linda. Perhaps if you got off your fat ass and found a job, instead of lounging around fanning yourself with plastic surgery bills and sighing "woe is me," then your former GOP buddies would feel a little more sympathetic. Let's face it, they owe you. It must feel pretty rough for Tripp to be left out in the cold by all those people who hailed her as a hero during impeachment. But then, what did she expect? That's the friendly GOP - use people to further your political agenda till you don't need them any more, then pretend you never even heard of them (are you listening, Katherine Harris?) Still, it's a crying shame Linda didn't figure that out beforehand.

Ann Coulter
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Perhaps Linda Tripp should ask Monica Lewinsky for a handout - because according to Ann Coulter, Lewinsky would be dead if it weren't for the good graces of her best friend Linda. One of our readers was listening to the Sean Hannity radio show last Wednesday, and heard guest Ann Coulter spew forth the following indefensible gobshite: "If it wasn't for Linda Tripp, Monica Lewinsky would have ended up just like Chandra Levy." Yes folks, you heard right. And it's true because Bill Clinton is a proven murderer just like Gary Condit. Gee, I wonder if we can expect to see Ann Coulter making a big donation to the Linda Tripp defense fund?

George W. Bush
Last week: 10 Weeks on chart: 25 - From The New York Times, here's yet more proof that Bush is an incoherent ignoramus (as if you needed it). At a GOP fundraiser last week, Dubya attempted to show how concerned he was about energy conservation, and started banging on about "vampire" devices. For those of you who haven't heard the term before, a "vampire" device is a piece of electronic equipment which continues to draw an electrical charge even when it isn't being used - for example, a cell phone charger, a VCR, or a television. But if you listened to our eloquent president explain it, you may still be at a loss: "A vampire is a - a - cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone." Give the guy a break though - it was getting close to his bedtime, and we know he gets confused after dark. We hear that a sleepy Dubya later went on to ask aides, "So tell me again why Count Chocula needs a cell phone?"

Christie Todd Whitman
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - Poor old Christie. We reported months ago (see Idiots 10, 11 & 12) that she wasn't feeling too happy with her role at the Environmental Protection Agency - now it seems that the grumblings are becoming louder. The New York Times Magazine reported last week that Christie Whitman has "the most thankless job in Washington." Formerly "the brightest star" in the GOP, Whitman now "visits toxic-waste sites" (including the White House). According to poor Christie, Colin Powell has been picking on her at meetings, calling her a "wind dummy." What's a wind dummy? Well apparently the military tosses wind dummies out of planes before parachute jumps, to check which way the wind is blowing. Sounds like an apt description! During the interview, Whitman was asked why she wanted the job in the first place. She snapped, "I didn't say I wanted the job. I said I took it." Ooooh! Touchy!

Katherine Harris
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 10 - The dirt keeps rolling in. Last week the Palm Beach Post revealed that Ms. Harris attempted to have the state of Florida pay $12,000 to Adam Goodman, a Republican operative who was working out of her office during the recount. Obviously it was highly inappropriate for Katherine Harris to have been seeking advice from a partisan political consultant in the first place (considering she was supposed to be representing all of Florida's voters, not just the Republicans) but in defending herself Harris made it clear that Goodman was an unpaid volunteer. Not through want of trying though. In an April 9th letter to Goodman, Harris wrote, "As we discussed in DC - You said $12,000. I am not trying to be weird about this because I want to pay you what you deserve, but they have been working on this since I returned. Now you say $20,000. I am confused - they will be, too. This is a delicate matter." So who are "they" exactly? Here's a clue: if news like this keeps leaking out, "they" are going to drop Katherine Harris quicker than a greased Linda Tripp.

Strom Thurmond Jr.
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - To get a top job in the Bush administration, you need three things: experience, maturity, and impeccable qualifications. And if you don't have any of those things, then don't worry - there's always nepotism. When Congress returns, Strom Thurmond Jr. will almost certainly be appointed to the post of U.S. Attorney, despite the fact that the 28-year-old is only three years out of law school. But considering that his dad is the senior senator for South Carolina, well hell, what else do you need to know? GOPers are of course more than satisfied with the chronically underqualified young lawyer, because despite his desperately slim resume he's got a familiar name which is easy to remember. And that's what's important.

Eugene Scalia
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - If you liked the nomination of Strom Thurmond Jr., you'll LOVE the nomination of Eugene Scalia, friend of the working man and son of conservative supremo Antonin. Yes, it seems that affirmative action is a-okay with the GOP when you're talking about rich white men (or perhaps this is the "affirmative access" that Bush waffled about during the debates). The New York Post reported last week that Eugene, the nominee for Labor Department attorney, will be up before the Health, Education and Labor Committee in September. However, Eugene won't quite get the free ride that Strom Jr. is getting - he faces a tough time over some comments he made recently. But hey, so what if he said that "Ergonomics is quackery" - it's not like the poor guy's ever had to actually do any hard work in his life before, so how would he know? Be fair. Although it's lucky for him that his daddy was in charge of deciding who won last year's election, otherwise he probably wouldn't have been nominated at all. Hmm.

Orrin Hatch
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally, who would have thought that as well as being a scrunched-up little Senator from Utah, Orrin Hatch is also a smash hit songwriter? Yes, you heard right - and Hatch's latest work is to be featured in the new Jerry Zucker movie, Rat Race. That's Rat Race, the movie which features a guy squirting milk from a cow's udder into another guy's face, as all three dangle beneath a hot air balloon. Anyway, Hatch's song is called "America Rocks," and goes a little something like this: "America rocks! America rocks!/ From its busy bustling cities/ To its quiet country walks/ It's totally cool, it's totally hot/ I mean it's like right there at the top." Bruce Springsteen eat your heart out. Interestingly, Jerry Zucker's daughter suffers from juvenile diabetes, and Orrin Hatch is an advocate of stem cell research. The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that when asked whether his position may have influenced Zucker's decision to include his song in the movie, Hatch replied: "I don't think so." Then, after a pause: "It may have been a factor." See you next week!

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