The bellyache of a teabagger

"Hi. I'm Frank, and I'm a Tea Party Patriot. I believe in a government so limited it can't interfere in my life choices.

"And ONLY my life choices.

"I was okay with it many years ago when the government decided homos didn't need rights. Hell, I thought it was great: any man who doesn't want to marry a woman and have lots of kids like a patriotic American does deserves everything he gets.

"And I was overjoyed when the government started cracking down on all those dope-smoking hippies. I'm not a hippie. I'll never be a hippie. And if any hippie doesn't want to look like me, work the same kind of job as me, and refuses to smoke cigarettes and drink booze like a patriotic American does, he deserves everything he gets.

"Then I found out the government was looking at my phone records to make sure I wasn't calling any terrorists. Hey! I'm a patriotic American, dammit, how dare the government come after me? So I wrote a letter to my congressman, and a letter to my senator, and a letter to the editor, and stood on a street corner with a sign that says 'Government Keep Your Hands Off Patriotic Americans!'

"While I was doing it, some guy named Martin Niemoller came up and kicked my ass so hard I have to take off my pants to answer the phone. Why would that dirty hippie do anything like that to a patriotic American?

"By the way, these pants are squeezing my head really hard, and it hurts. Can someone help me get them off?"

I worry more about license plate scanners than NSA surveillancw

One of the fun new technologies the cops have is the license plate scanner. AP reports indicate they can be attached to just about anythiing - bridges, buildings, non-police cars - that the police share their take between agencies, and there are very few restrictions on their use.

Since the files these generate can be considered public records, anyone can get them...and it's okay to charge a reasonblee fee for records.

Wrap yer head around this: firms could spring up to datamine these files. And working on the theory itt's already okay to hire the police, why couldn't an abortion protest group pay to have a scanner placed outside the entrance to Planned Parenthood, a corporation looking for an excuse to fire workers pay to put one near a union hall, or....well, you think of one.

Robocop wasn't supposed to be a documentary

So far Rick Snyder hasn't managed to get a cop killed and transplant his brain into a robot, but other than that the privatization theme is coming true.

I wonder when they're going to start building Delta City...

Movies you would like them to remake

Since that's all Hollywood wants to do now...

Mine:
1. The Untouchables. I thought the movie was good...then I read the book Eliot Ness wrote and there are some things in there that would be fun in a movie.

2. Patton, starring Lee Ermey and using the kind of language Patton really used. In Patton's address to the troops he did not use the word fornicating.

3. The Great Escape without the Steve McQueen character Captain Hilts. It's understandable why he was there - higher box office. He didn't add much to the film because the little prima donna didn't want to do anything.

4. A new Heavy Metal movie centered around Ranxerox, the robot made out of copier parts.

and...

5. An animated Starship Troopers. In animation you can do powered armor, you can do a drop the way Heinlein wrote it, you can give cap troopers weapons that will kill bugs...most people would think that if trying to kill bugs with rifles on Klendathu got 125,000 guys killed they'd send them to the outlying systems with howitzers, but noooooo...

Are college loans H1Bs for Americans?

H1B is the work visa for technical people. It's what you use if you need an Indian programmer. H1Bs tie a worker to a company, so you can shit on your H1B staff all you want.

The same is true of college grads with loans, which is most of them. You don't want to miss a payment on those and good jobs are hard to find, so you can put a college loan holder through shit that would make a non-loan holder give you precise details of how he wants you to fuck yourself.

When I see that now it takes a degree to get a job supervising potato washers, I have to think that's their true motivation.

Where Your Cuccinelli Is

In honor of Virginia attorney general Ken Cuccinelli's attempts to re-outlaw normal heterosexual foreplay, I hereby announce the location of your cuccinelli.

The male cuccinelli is the little triangle on the dorsal (bottom) side of the glans penis.

The female cuccinelli is the portion of the clitoris visible through the hood when it is in its usual position. As all women are built differently, the size and shape of the female cuccinelli varies from woman to woman.

Or in legalese, the cuccinelli is the part of a person's sexual anatomy most effectively stimulated by oral sex.

Opinion of "beer and a haircut" sports barbershops?

These barbershops are popping up like weeds in this neck of the woods...for $15 you can get a beer and your hair cut by a sexy female barber. They've got big screen TVs with games of whatever sport is in season right now, sports magazines...your basic man cave with clippers.

I worry a bit about how good a haircut could be if they have to feed you beer before they show it to you, but that's just me. And you?

You know you could make a killing with this business

Service deep fat fryers at county and state fairs and other outdoor festivals. Someone has to do it. It may as well be you.

Start work over Memorial Day Weekend, finish up on Halloween, have enough money to not need to do anything else.

"Sharknado" headed to Blu-ray September 3

So when's Zimmerman moving to Idaho?