The real reason Trump wanted a white rapper to play the pre-cage match concert...

Spurious News: To get on $250 bill, Trump declares himself dead!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump has directed the United States Treasury to produce and issue, in honor of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States, a $250 bill bearing a likeness of himself.

A federal law, 31 USC 5114(3)(b) clearly states, "only the portrait of a deceased individual may appear on United States currency and securities."

Trump has found a solution to this conundrum: he has declared himself legally dead.

A newly issued executive order declares, "I, President Donald J. Trump, hereby declare myself dead for the purpose of depicting myself on the $250 bill and for no other purpose."

In response, Representative Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) filed a piece of legislation entitled "The Dead Means Dead, Motherfucker Act of 2026."

"In the 1860s, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing was called the National Currency Bureau," said Rep. Crockett. "Its first superintendent was Spencer Clark. Back then they had fractional currency notes, which were like paper nickels and dimes. Congress ordered the National Currency Bureau to make a five-cent fractional note with William Clark's picture on it. Instead, it went to the public with Spencer Clark's own picture on it. Congress got pissed and Representative Martin Thayer wrote a law that said you had to be dead before you could be on our money. This idiot Trump thinks he can put his own face on money when he ain't dead? Ah HELL no!"

The Dead Means Dead, Motherfucker Act is designed to stop this from happening. It has several stipulations, including that at least five doctors who are registered members of a political party the president isn't in must declare him dead, a wooden stake must be driven through his heart and his coffin must be inspected by a bipartisan panel of at least fifty Members of Congress to be sure he or she is in it. It further requires that at least ten years pass before the president may be depicted on any US currency.

"I put the wooden stake thing in there just for fun," said Rep. Crockett. "I figured they'd take it out in committee, but after everyone got a good laugh the Republicans said, 'yeah, let's leave that in there.' A couple of them wanted to have a staking ceremony on national television. That's fine by me, so we put it in the bill."

The Dead Means Dead, Motherfucker Act of 2026 currently has enough sponsors to override an expected presidential veto.

Spurious News: Hunter Biden requests $500 million from Trump's anti-weaponization fund!

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA (Spurious News Network) -- Pearl necklace sales skyrocketed today as King Donald Trump's anti-weaponization fund, which is a $1.6 billion gift from the taxpayers to settle claims that he was wronged after the federal government hauled off the stash of extremely classified documents he was storing in an outhouse, received a rather unexpected request.

"My name is Robert Hunter Biden. The Republican Party and Donald Trump, in his official capacity as President of the United States, weaponized the federal government against me to an extent far exceeding that of any person in the history of the Republic. The worst part is, it wasn't even my fucking laptop that set you people off. As my legal bills to fight the government have sent me into a precarious financial status, my wife and I are living in a van down by the river on the other side of the world. I have recently learned of the existence of an 'anti-weaponization' fund to reimburse individuals who have been damaged by lawfare and government overreach. I believe that, as the most weaponized-against person who ever lived, I am eligible for reimbursement by this fund. Therefore, I request to be paid $500 million so I can pay my legal bills and move out of this damned car."

He attached a picture of a very old Iveco Daily van, captioned "I paid five hundred bucks for this piece of junk. It won't even start. I deserve better than this."

Response from the White House was immediate. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, wearing a $10,000 suit and far more makeup than she usually does, said in a televised press conference, "Mr. Biden, the Anti-Weaponization Fund is denying your request. It is only for people who were punished by your father's out-of-control Injustice Department for trying to convince people President Trump won the 2020 presidential election even though he got stomped at the polls, and for people who were unjustly acted against after they smeared shit on the walls of the Capitol."

Spurious News: Trump brings back cigarette commercials!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- At 11:59 pm on January 2, 1971, viewers of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson were treated to sixty seconds of a chorus of women dressed in Victorian fashion singing the song "American Womanhood is Good." It repeatedly featured the line "women shouldn't smoke" as some of the choir members ducked down to pass around a Virginia Slims cigarette.

It was the last cigarette commercial ever aired on American television.

Until now.

At 12:45 am on May 25, 2026, viewers of NBC's Late Night with Seth Meyers were hit with a barrage of cigarette commercials, all thanks to a previously-undisclosed executive order signed by King Donald Trump that declared restrictions on television tobacco advertising were unconstitutional.

"They say that cigarette commercials encourage children to smoke," said King Donald in a prepared statement. "Kids know they're not supposed to smoke cigarettes, so I can't imagine why they would go against the wishes of their parents and elders to do it. Cigarette commercials only serve to help adult smokers make informed choices as to the cigarette they want to smoke."

Reaction was swift and vocal.

Yolonda C. Richardson, President and CEO of Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids, said, "The guy who tore down half the White House without asking first, painted the bottom of the Reflecting Pool blue and wants to build a 250-foot arch to his own ego would do this. Is it wrong? Of course it is, and it's also illegal - executive orders can't repeal legislation, and those commercials were banned by the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act of 1969. What is he trying to do, get rid of social spending by killing off anyone who benefits from it?"

Even the cigarette companies don't know what to make of Trump's executive order. Vincent Duhem, Executive Vice President for Marketing of Reynolds American, America's second-largest cigarette manufacturer, said, "Cigarettes sell well even without television advertising. We've actually been working really hard to stop underage access to nicotine products, not only our own products but those of our competitors. We won't be advertising on the Internet, television or radio, even though that idiot says we now can. I just called my counterpart at Altria, the biggest cigarette company in the US, and they won't be doing electronic advertising either."

Trump's motivation soon became clear. "Xcaliber International, a cigarette manufacturer in Oklahoma specializing in 'fourth tier' cigarettes, is about to launch the MAGA brand of cigarettes," said an industry insider who spoke on condition of anonymity. "They plan to make several varieties - MAGA, which is their full-flavor variety; Ultra MAGA, which is an extra-strong cigarette containing Perique tobacco; MAGA Lite, which is a lower-nicotine version of MAGA; and Lady MAGA, which is a menthol. I got hold of a pack of MAGAs and they are the nastiest thing I've ever smoked, like they rolled up a dog turd in an inner tube. I've smoked every brand of cigarettes sold anywhere in the world and these are the first ones I've ever come across that made me want to kick the habit. It's really surprising to me that Xcaliber would agree to make these because almost everything they make is good. But President Trump gets a buck a pack in royalties. The only way he's going to convince anyone to buy a second pack of these atrocious cigarettes is to advertise the fuck out of them - and he really loves television commercials."

My father was in a Korean War MASH

He survived the war and died in 2019. He liked the show MASH, but about the only thing he’d talk about when it was on was how few soldiers were in the TV MASH compared to his real one.

Fast forward to 2017. You remember the little ambulances they had on the show. An Army surplus store in Coeur d’Alene had one on display in front of their building, so one day I went up to their house…”Hey Dad, I need to show you something. “What is it?” “You’ll see.” We get there and he got this real weird look on his face. Started going all through it. The owner came out, and when I told the guy Dad used these in the Korean War they talked for quite a while about it. The owner was a Vietnam vet.

I’m still a little sad…there was an air show at Fairchild AFB that I wanted to take him to so he could see the helicopter the Army uses now as an air ambulance but I wasn’t feeling well that day.

Spurious News: Trump names Alexander Bortnikov as Acting Director of National Intelligence!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- The recent resignation of Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has created a vacuum at the highest levels of the Trump Administration. King Donald Trump plans to fill it in the most unusual way.

"I am hereby naming Alexander Bortnikov as Acting Director of National Intelligence," Trump posted on Truth Social, his Twitter clone. "In these troubled times, America needs a highly experienced intelligence professional at the helm, and Director Bortnikov's years at the highest level of intelligence will Make America Great Again!"

The US intelligence community is in an uproar.

"This can't be happening," said Director of Central Intelligence John Ratcliffe. "Does Trump even know who Alexander Bortnikov is?"

General Joshua Rudd, US Army, Director of the National Security Agency, put his head in his hands after hearing the news. "Bortnikov runs Russian intelligence," said General Rudd. "The only thing worse than having a consumer too stupid to understand what you're telling him is having a consumer too dangerous to tell anything to - and that's Bortnikov."

Dr. Christopher Scolese, Director of the National Reconnaissance Office, said "the 'less' function is going to get a hell of a workout." The "less" function enables the sender of an intelligence report to not send it to a particular address on its distribution list by typing the address of the person you want to leave out preceded by the word "less."

Lieutenant General James H. Adams III, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, was very succinct in his reply: "Did Russian intelligence tell Trump they were tired of digging up Ivana's casket or going in his restrooms to get the information he's leaking to them?"

I was just thinking about Kyle Busch's death...

There have been only two drivers in NASCAR Cup since 2001 whose seats had to be filled after they died.

One is Dale Earnhardt, the other Kyle Busch. Both drove for Richard Childress Racing.

We just paid Trump $1.8 billion to accept a get-out-of-jail-free card

We are all painfully aware that the IRS just created a $1.8 billion "anti-weaponization fund" because Trump had a sad that the FBI dismantled the Trump Presidential Library in 2022 by entering Mar-a-Lago and hauling off the truckload of classified information he had stored in a publicly-accessible bathroom.

This is worse: The Acting Attorney General issued a document that I'll reproduce the most important of the three paragraphs:

The United States RELEASES, WAIVES, ACQUITS, and FOREVER DISCHARGES each of the Plaintiffs from, and is hereby FOREVER BARRED AND PRECLUDED from prosecuting or pursuint, any and all claims, counterclaims, causes of action, appeals, or requests for any relief, including injunctive relief, monetary relief, damages, examinations or similar or related reviews, appeals, debt relief, costs, attorney's fees, expenses, and/or interest, whether presently known or unknown, that - as of the Effective Date of the Settlement Agreement - have been or could have been asserted by Defendants against any of the Plaintiffs or related or affiliated individuals (including, without limitation, family or others filing jointly), or parties including trusts, parent, sister or related companies, affiliates, and subsidiaries, by reason of, with respect to, in connection with, or which arise out of (1) any matters that were raised or could have been raised in the Case or the Pending Agency Claims; (2) Lawfare and/or Weaponization; or (3) any matters currently pending or that could be pending (including tax returns filed before the Effective Date) before Defendants or other agencies or departments.

In other words, not only does he get damned near $2 billion of your money, he can no longer be held to account for his creative accounting practices.

Spurious News: The "real reason" the Reflecting Pool paint job isn't finished: "The stencil's not here"

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- The Reflecting Pool is one of our nation's most beloved landmarks. It is a rectangular pool 2030 feet long by 167 feet wide located between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument on the National Mall. Its stunning views have drawn tens of millions of visitors per year since the pool was constructed over a century ago.

In honor of America's 250th birthday King Donald Trump directed Atlantic Industrial Coatings, a Virginia-based painting contractor Trump previously employed to work on swimming pools at his resorts then denied ever having heard of before after the media started asking how a $1.8 million job other industrial coating companies claim can't be done that cheap became a $13.1 million job which other companies claim is way too high, to paint the Reflecting Pool in a shade of blue Trump has used on several of his own projects. The project was supposed to be completed by Independence Day, but Atlantic Industrial Coatings now says it will not be.

Today the firm explained why the job won't be done on time.

"The stencil isn't here."

Unbeknownst to the Architect of the Capital, the Trump administration ordered from a Chinese sign company, as part of the project, a 2000-foot-long, 150-foot-high stencil of Trump's last name which will be painted in white on the bottom of the pool.

Administration officials defended the decision to outsource the creation of the stencil to a Chinese firm. According to Karoline Leavitt, White House Press Secretary, "President Trump ordered the stencil from China because no company in the United States can make anything like that."

This assertion was quickly refuted by a company in the United States. James Rozier, operations manager for Military Wraps Defense Systems, a Lumberton, NC, corporation that specializes in work for the United States Departments of Defense and Justice, said, "There are a lot of sign shops in the United States that have the equipment to make that stencil. We could have made it in a month of 24-hour days if we'd been hired to do it. No American sign shop would do it because of Trump's track record when it comes to paying vendors - you'd have about $200,000 just into materials and Trump has told way too many companies 'I'm not paying this' when the bill arrives. I would have lost my home on this job, and I like my home. Also, there doesn't need to be a name at the bottom of the Reflecting Pool, and everyone would reject the job for that too."

Donald Trump hates this song more than any song in the world. You'll love it!