jmowreader
jmowreader's JournalSpurious News: "Melania" named exclusive in-flight movie of Spirit Airlines!
DANIA BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- This afternoon, Dave Davis, CEO of ultra-low-cost air carrier Spirit Airlines, announced a historic pact between his airline and the White House that has made "Melania" the only movie that will be shown aboard Spirit flights.
"It was either that," said Mr. Davis, "or surrender 100 of our jets for ICE deportation flights. Since we only have 102 jets in our fleet...welcome, Melania!"
Mr. Davis explained that there are two "tiers" for Spirit's passengers to enjoy the First Lady of the United States' groundbreaking movie. "Our guests can relax in comfort and view 'Melania' in its entirety at no charge. Or, they can pay us $20 and not have to watch it."
I just learned President John Adams' dog was named Satan
Two hundred thirty-six years later, the president himself is Satan.
Don't believe the "I will keep the steel" story
Trump plans to close the Kennedy Center, tear it down and rebuild it. The last I checked the Kennedy Center doesn't need to be torn down, but Trump's going to do it anyway.
Today he claimed that he won't tear it all the way down; he plans to keep the steel framework and some of the marble.
In 1979, Donald Trump bought the bankrupt Bonwit Teller's flagship department store because he needed the land to construct Trump Tower. The Metropolitan Museum of Art asked him for the art deco friezes on the face of the building; after promising them to the museum he ordered them all destroyed with jackhammers.
If you don't think this asshole will do the same thing to the Kennedy Center, think again. And I assure you, when the new building is constructed, assuming it ever is, it will be named the Trump Center for the Performing Arts.
Spurious News: Trump declares war on eight South American countries over "MELANIA" disaster
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Today, King Donald Trump ordered the Army's XVIII Airborne Corps and III Armored Corps, the US Marine Corps' 1st and 3d Marine Divisions, the US Navy's six-ship George H. W. Bush Carrier Strike Group, and the US Air Force's 843d Bomb Wing to prepare to invade and occupy the South American nations of Bolivia, Brazil, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Peru, Suriname and Venezuela. King Donald had attacked but not occupied Venezuela in January 2026; this deployment will see two US Army infantry brigades, one Marine Corps infantry brigade and four B-52 bombers permanently stationed in that oil-rich but cash-poor dictatorship.
Trump's justification for going to war is the unprecedented but not unexpected box office failure of the Amazon MGM Studios documentary "MELANIA." The film in question, which tells the story of First Lady Melania Trump's 20-day preparation period leading up to King Donald's 2025 inauguration, cost $70 million to make, earned only $7 million in its opening weekend, and is listed on the Internet Movie Database with a special ratings-star widget that doesn't allow you to choose to give the film more than one star.
"It is the Amazon's fault that everyone in America didn't go to MELANIA this weekend and bask in the glory that is the greatest First Lady in American history," wrote King Donald on his Truth Social network. "An act of disrespect of this nature cannot go unpunished. The greatest military ever will give the Amazon a lesson they'll never forget."
Gustavo Petro, president of Colombia, immediately responded to Trump's saber-rattling threat. "Dear Pendejo, we didn't make that shitty movie. The American company Amazon did. The only thing we and they have in common is the name. So chinga du madre, estupido gringo."
General Kenneth Wilsbach, Chief of Staff of the Air Force, also responded to Trump's threat. "Good luck getting the 843d Bomb Wing to go down there. It doesn't exist. It never has existed. The 843d Bomb Wing was General Ripper's unit in Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove. During World War II there was an 843d Bombardment Squadron (Heavy), which was formed in 1943 and disbanded in 1944. We're not going to reform it because that moron is pissed off no one wanted to spend fifteen bucks to see his wife buy shoes and get her makeup done before an inauguration that shouldn't ever have happened."
Lieutenant General Gregory Anderson, Commanding General of XVIII Airborne Corps, confirmed he sees this order as despicable. "You know that shit that got stirred up over Senator (Mark) Kelly telling the troops not to obey illegal orders? Attacking eight countries who did nothing to you because you're mad no one wanted to go to a movie about his wife is about as illegal as orders get. But that's okay, I already called the White House and told them we couldn't go because we're washing our hair tonight." Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth immediately transmitted to the commanding generals of every Army base in the Continental United States an order that all soldiers will be shaven bald by the end of the day so they don't have to worry about washing their hair.
Proof climate change exists
I live 105 miles by road from the Canadian border. As I type this, there's not one flake of snow on the ground. We're getting precipitation on a regular basis, but it's all rain.
This is a picture taken today of Bowman Gray Stadium in Winston-Salem, NC, which is a combination football stadium and auto racing track renowned for being NASCAR's first weekly track. They were supposed to run the annual Clash, an all-star race that's the first competitive event in a NASCAR season, on Saturday night. They have officially moved it to Wednesday night because Goodyear doesn't make snow tires for stock cars.
The world has seen this before
I’m thinking Robespierre, the Law of 22 Prairial, and the Reign of Terror.
You know how it wound up: after Robespierre had his greatest ally, Danton, guillotined the revolutionary government decided they’d had enough of Robespierre’s shit and summarily executed Robespierre and his minions.
Remember when they said we all needed guns to protect us from tyranny?
Turns out the tyrants just take your gun out of its holster.
Spurious News: Norwegian Nobel Committee responds to Trump's Nobel-Greenland claim
OSLO, NORWAY (Spurious News Network) -- On January 19, King Donald Trump, doing business as the president of the United States, admitted he plans to invade the Danish autonomous territory of Greenland because he didn't get the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize.
Jørgen Watne Frydnes, the chairperson of the Norwegian Nobel Committee that awards the Peace Prize, responded: "Now you know why we didn't give it to him!"
Spurious News: European Union announces plan in case Trump invades Greenland!
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM (Spurious News Network) -- This morning, European Union President Ursula von der Leyen announced its plans in case United States King Donald J. Trump carries out his plan to invade and attempt to annex the Danish autonomous territory of Greenland.
"The European Union views any attempt to attack one of our nations or territories as a crime against humanity. We find it especially disgusting that the nation who plans to do it was once our greatest ally. If it happens, the European Union will immediately halt shipments to the United States of surgical anesthetics, repair parts and major end items such as automobiles and industrial machinery. Further, we will not resume supplying these items to the United States until every member of Trump's government has been removed from office."
Reaction in sectors of the US economy that would be affected by these embargoes was dramatic.
"Oh...shit. Tell me this isn't happening," said Theodore deWeese, MD, dean of Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "Every drop of anesthetic used in the United States comes from Germany. We'd have to return to using ether, which is a terrible drug for many reasons - not the least of which is it's so flammable they start engines on it. Or we'd have to transfer patients to hospitals in other countries, an impossible task in many cases - if someone in Georgia presents with an appendix on the verge of bursting, you don't have time to send him to Toronto to have it taken out."
Chris Brooks, President and Managing Director of manroland Goss Americas, a manufacturer of newspaper presses, pointed out the Constitutional implications of such a move. "The First Amendment to the Constitution states that freedom of the press will not be infringed. A lot of the parts that go into our presses are made in Germany. If a newspaper can't print papers because they can't get parts thanks to fuckin' Napoleon's little brother over there thinking he can conquer other nations, that sounds pretty damned infringing to me."
Sean Ramezani, General Manager of Beverly Hills BMW, says invading Greenland will hurt Trump's party in the upcoming election. "The customer base of the four primary German luxury auto brands - BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Audi and Porsche - is heavily skewed toward Republicans," said Mr. Ramezani. "Democrats with enough money to buy cars this expensive lean toward electric cars like Teslas. If you tell a Republican that she can't get her $60,000 car fixed or buy a new one because of something idiotic a Republican president did, there's a pretty good chance she'll change to being a Democrat."
Spurious News: Trump administration plans to "Trickle" viewers into Melania Trump biopic!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- On January 30, Amazon intends to release "Melania," which the Internet Movie Database describes as "An intimate chronicle offers a rare glimpse into the life of Melania Trump, exploring her role as First Lady and her relationship with the President," in movie theaters nationwide.
According to Manohla Dargis, chief film critic for the New York Times, "if Bialystock and Bloom had made this instead of 'Springtime for Hitler,' their plan would have worked."
Amy Nicholson, film critic for the Los Angeles Times, is even harsher in her criticism of the new movie. "It's enough of a bomb that Northrop Grumman is going to start selling DVDs of it to the Air Force to drop on the enemy."
Not even King Donald Trump's strongest supporters plan to watch the movie. Since there is a strong possibility "Melania" will make absolutely no money at all, shadow president Stephen Miller has created a plan to fill the seats of theaters across America.
"What we've done is to create an entire marketing campaign about a new movie called 'Trickle: The Dick Trickle Story.' I don't know who he is but a lot of people think he has a funny name for some reason. Anyway, we've got five minutes of film about this guy that looks like it's the start of a movie. When the audience gets in there, while the film about Dick Trickle is playing we'll be using bike locks to lock people into theaters, and then we change to showing 'Melania.' Everyone will love it.
Or not. According to Motor Racing Network chief turns reporter Dave Moody, "Dick Trickle is more of a footnote in NASCAR than anything. On the short tracks in Wisconsin, where he came from, he was absolutely unstoppable once he got a good engine. He won more short track races than anyone in history. But then he came Cup racing and it all fell apart on him. He made Rookie of the Year in 1989 and then...nothing. It was so bad he and NAPA made a commercial making fun of his record. You've got Dick sitting there in his firesuit all dolled up telling you that you can win lots of money by picking the winner of the last race of the season then told the fans it was going to be him. Next thing you see is this card pop up pointing out Dick is 0-for-273 in Cup races. Not even very long-term NASCAR fans care enough about Dick's life story to spend fifteen bucks to see a movie about it. The worst part is how disrespectful to Dick it is to do this to him."
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