Fake Eclipse News

Parody alert, for the irony-impaired.

Skeptics Hope Eclipse Prediction Will Lead to Humiliation of Scientific Community.

A growing group of skeptics is eagerly looking forward to August 21st, 2017. That's the day that astronomers have predicted that an eclipse of the sun will be visible throughout North America with the eclipse being total in a narrow swath slicing diagonally across the United States.

"The arrogance of these so-called intellectuals is nothing short of astonishing", says Ken Ham, president of the creationist organization Answers in Genesis and who runs the Creation Museum and the Ark Encounter. "They have websites based on their 'mathematical models' that purport to predict the exact locations where the eclipse will be visible and the exact times of each part of the eclipse, supposedly with split-second accuracy. This from a community that has guessed the age of the Earth to be billions of years, rather than the true age of 6,000 years."

Prominent climate change skeptics have joined in. "For years, I've heard these...scientists testify before Congress about the dire threat of global warming", says Senator James InHofe. "It's always, math this, data that, like that proves anything. I'm really, really happy that these hoaxers have so completely painted themselves into a corner on the eclipse thing. When the sun shines brightly everywhere on August 21st, we can finally get these people out of our hair and run this government on common sense, like the Founders intended."

Conservative theologians have joined the fray. Franklin Graham, son of the renowned evangelist Billy Graham, and Jerry Falwell Jr., son of the late Jerry Falwell, issued a joint statement: "In Genesis 1:1, the Bible says, 'God created the heaven and the earth.' God sets the planets in the heavens in their courses and it is blasphemy for man to try to predict the future in a domain that belongs solely to God." Graham went on to say that the mysterious symbols and obscure ancient concepts in the "higher mathematics" used by scientists resemble the spells of sorcerers and wizards who ultimately derived their power from Satan.

As expected President Donald Trump dived in with a short Twitter message, "Dark in the day? Fake news, just like climate change. They lose bigly when nothing happens."

Members of the scientific community have been strangely silent on this issue, although a staff member at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory who declined to reveal his identity in a telephone interview did state, "Are you f---ing kidding me?"

The thing that surprises me most about the Trump presidency at six months...

...is that there don't seem to be any adults in charge anywhere. I mean, Dubya had Cheney and Rumsfeld. Hate them if you will, but at least you could imagine them having their stuff together enough to act in their own self interest. Priebus was sort of an adult, but in charge? No way. In any case, he's gone now. Sessions might not be a total brat, but he's way over in DOJ and went and got himself shitlisted right away. Kelly might be an adult, but if he's smart he won't bring a lot of his stuff into the office and he'll stick his nameplate on the door with Velcro.

Otherwise, it's all "Lord of the Flies". Whatever happened to the idea of a power vacuum that people rush to fill?

How can anyone be sure a Trump tweet is really him?

What if Twitter gets compromised somehow and a tweet goes out like:

"Fed up with North Korea. ICBMs are flying. MAGA!"

Why didn't Collins or Murkowski switch their vote after McCain committed to travel and vote yes?

I mean, they couldn't change the outcome at that point. They could have spared him the pain and risk of flying. Could it be that they're so principled that they wouldn't change their votes for any reason?

Nah, that couldn't be it. I'm guessing McConnell let them vote against just so McCain could make a hero's entrance and save the day. It couldn't have been more of a circus if all the R senators arrived together in a tiny car.

Advice to Donald Trump: Go Bankrupt.

Liquidate your assets. Pay off your creditors a few cents on the dollar. That would mean that all those shadowy lenders will then have zero claim on you. You'll be free of any hold the Russian oligarchs have on you and you might even be free to do something good for the country, like single-payer health coverage. Think Putin's agents would come after you? You're the President of the United States. You're as safe as it's possible for human beings to make another. And after the presidency? I haven't seen any ex-presidents living in poverty. Have you?

You'd be free. You might even go down in history as one of our gutsiest presidents. So, what do you say?

How long before your Trumpinista friends and relatives...

...start to "remember" how they never really supported him?

Saw a bumper sticker that said "Please Do Not Feed The Fears"

I thought it was a nice thought, but I wonder if it's associated with some religious group or some other thing I wouldn't want to promote.

At what point do we start thinking of America as an occupied country?

Trump's meeting with Putin looked remarkably like a surrender.