TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalQAnon, Zyklon B, and the Rest of the Wingnut Alphabet (Th'Ferret)
Life ain’t bad these days, huh? Sun’s out, stuff’s opening back up, and if you don’t stand downwind, you’ll barely even notice the stench of fascism as it takes root on the American right. Still, before we embark on a richly-deserved weekend of sweet, sweet normalcy, let’s grab a clothespin and take a quick reconnaissance pass, in the name of vigilance.
(Tonight like every night, get this post, in color, with dem links, here: http://showercapblog.com/qanon-zyklon-b-and-the-rest-of-the-wingnut-alphabet/)
So, you’ve probably heard by now, but at the QANon convention, oh yeah, QAnon has conventions now, where they gather in clumps like cancer cells to talk about the civil war they want to start in order to exterminate all the [SLUR REDACTED] and [SLUR REDACTED] and especially the [SLUR REDACTED] and ANYWAY at the QAnon convention, Michael T. Flynn, disgraced traitor, conspiracy theory-spewing nutjob, and (sigh) hero to millions of brainwashed cultists/habitual voters, could not conceal his hard-on while fantasizing about a Myanmar-style coup right here on American soil, because such thoughts are basically Viagra for Nazis.
Louie Gohmert spoke at this same convention (the one for the FBI-designated domestic terror threat), merrily spreading disinformation about the Capitol riot, before moseying back to his day job...writing federal laws. So that’s fun.
Enormous shoutout, wrapped in gratitude and absolutely dripping with admiration, for TEXAS HOUSE DEMOCRATS, who, having internalized the lessons of the great Kenny Rogers, knew when to walk away; like, for example, when freedom-loathing Republicans needed a quorum to ram their despicable voter suppression bill through before the end of the legislative session. Nicely done.
Governor Greg Abbott threw himself a tiny tyrant tantrum in response, threatening to cut off the state legislature’s funding, likely only after triple-checking to see if he could dissolve the body outright, like in the movies. Republican governors never miss a chance to bust out those Generalissimo duds for a quick strut on the balcony, do they? Y’know, see if they can get away with it...see who salutes.
Look! Up in the sky! Why, it’s the Crenshaw-signal! That can only mean some deviant sissypants libtard was being WOKE IN or perhaps even near THE MILITARY, who can deliver us from this calamity?!? Luckily, Danny Boy teamed up with fellow hollow-skulled jingoism dispenser Tom Cotton to launch an extremely serious, not-at-all-silly culture warrior snitch line, somehow failing to anticipate the inevitable avalanche of mockery. This inability to grasp cause and effect on even the most basic imaginable level provides useful insight into the way conservative policymaking always results in disaster, don’t you think?
With the entitled lunkhead certainty born of a lifetime spent using Daddy’s money to get out of trouble, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has apparently taken to telling nearby stooges he expects to be “reinstated” to the presidency by August, based on the spittle-drenched delusions of Sidney “I am literally arguing, in court, right this very minute, that you’d have to be fucking crazy to believe the shit I say” Powell, and the Marat/Sade rejects befouling ballots down in Arizona with their grubby little bath-salts-n’-Cheeto-dust-stained fingers.
And so it seems, with his return to the Klan rally circuit imminent, the Deposed Dotard will resume his fascistic attacks on the nation’s democratic institutions, because he was once again duped by a highly sophisticated deception technique involving Someone on Television Telling Him What He Wants to Hear. Sometimes history is real, real dumb.
Didja see where Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, with sternest of tones and furrowedest of brows, lectured the wicked ol’ U.S.A. for our inhumane maltreatment of those doe-eyed insurrectionists who only wanted hugs and okay fine to lynch the sitting Vice President? Diplomacy by trolling. It’d be funnier if it wasn’t working so well.
Yeah, a really cool thing about the way the world works nowadays is that a fifth-rate shithole fallen superpower, having stumbled onto a distressingly effective strategy to destroy America from within by weaponizing our nigh-limitless supply of credulous morons, can use their official state foreign policy platform to do their propaganda-spreading partners at Fox and Newsmax and OAN a solid, amplifying their disinformation while simultaneously feeding their audience’s insatiable persecution complex. Giggling all the while, no doubt, kicked back in luxuriant recliners, smoking enormous cigars, just waiting for the ol’ stochastic terror machine to work its magic.
Misgauging his might and prowess (as is his custom), Wee Donnie One-Term launched a social media platform of his very own, no doubt fantasizing about the day he’d rub the Facebooks’ and the Twitters’ noses in it, only to fail spectacularly and publicly (as is his custom). We’re told Trump’s primary motivation is fear of being perceived as a loser, and like, maybe somebody should let him know that ship sailed somewhere around the time he lost more money than any other American taxpayer.
Hot on the heels of this latest botched endeavor (if he’s been keeping his punch card up to date, I believe he’s eligible for a free sub sandwich now), Facebook announced Government Cheese Goebbels’ ban will last two years, at which point they’ll consult the Shitty-White-Boy-Terrorism-o-Meter “to assess whether the risk to public safety has receded.” That kind of of optimism is almost enough to get me to click on one of those MeUndies ads. Almost.
From his fashy Florida fiefdom, Ron DeSantis celebrated Pride in the traditional Republican manner; with institutionalized discrimination, and a clear signal to the theocrat white nationalist right that he’ll giddily use any power he’s allowed to snatch in service to their filthiest fantasies of puritanical persecution.
On the first day of Pride Month, Ron-Ron signed into law a shitty little bill mandating discrimination against transgender student athletes. On day two, he vetoed funding for multiple LGBTQ programs, including $150,000 for mental health services for survivors of the Pulse nightclub massacre. Dunno how many more doors there are on his homophobic advent calendar, but the message couldn’t be clearer: a vote for DeSantis is a vote for hate.
It’s precisely this sort of pandering, to the vilest prejudices of the shittiest people alive, that’s made DeSantis, a fungus-crusted toe of a man, complete with brain neatly bisected by a snugly ingrown nail, one of the leading contenders for the GOP’s 2024 presidential nomination, heaven help us all.
Louis DeJoy, somehow still Postmaster General despite abusing the powers of his office in service to a plot to thwart American democracy and destroy it forever, faces an FBI investigation into the campaign finance fuckery that was his audition for the role of Turd Reich apparatchik in the first place. Fuck it, nail the skeevy little freak for jaywalking if you have to, just get his treacherous ass out of office and, ideally, into a jail cell.
I’ve never really been tempted to watch bounty hunter shows, but now that Mo Brooks has turned insurrectionist deadbeat, I’m developing fantasies that need fulfilling. For such an ordinarily vociferous member of the party of personal responsibility, Mo seems curiously reluctant to take credit for his little hate mob TED Talk. Huh.
Seditious bedding peddler Mike Lindell continues to jet down the path to dying, destitute and despised, of a methamphetamine overdose, in Matt Gaetz’s bathtub, and I consider it every American’s patriotic duty to point at him and laugh.
Last blog, I joked that I’d be back in a week to talk about more Nazi shit, which was intended as a harmless bit of comic exaggeration (play the hits, Cap) but then I found out about Arizona Republicans’ latest clever scheme to get around the lethal injection drug shortage: Zyklon B. Yes, THAT Zyklon B. Hey fellas, far be it from me to offer unsolicited advice, but maybe emulate Auschwitz less?
Evangelical doormat Michael Pants lamented that he and his Turd Emperor will likely never “see eye-to-eye” on the events of January 6th, but hey, what’s an attempted lynching between a dimestore Jim Jones and the invertebrate enabler he so casually tossed to a homicidal mob? Watching the poor dolt cling to the hope that he can somehow transform bloodthirsty HANG MIKE PENCE chants into VOTE MIKE PENCE cheers...it’s an impressive degree of delusion, even during these batshit days, when delusion is king.
In a world that’s been disappointingly light thus far on comeuppance for the conspirators who attempted to murder my country, I truly cherish the exquisite timing of Mikey Hairshirt’s finish-line excommunication. Sold a fresh, new chunk of your soul every single dang day, until there was nothing left but a snarling, ironically fetus-like homunculus, on the promise that you’d be first in line to inherit the keys to the cult, but in the end, all you got was stuck with the soggy cracker. Well, chow down, Mike.
As you can see from tonight’s blog, (and, y’know, every one of the hundreds preceding it) everything a voter needs to know about the Republican Party under Donald Trump can be summed up in two simple words: hatred and ineptitude. Meanwhile, the economy keeps roaring back on a wave of sweet, Biden-y competence; say, is that the May jobs report in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
And yet the argument from the right is that their Confederation of Loser Bigots must not only be returned to power, but installed there for all time. The entitlement seems to rise in direct proportion to the bungling, have you noticed that?
Maybe the larger electorate has noticed, too. In a crucial early test, Dems overcame Republican fear-mongering to resoundingly hold the U.S. House seat for New Mexico’s first congressional district, adding the impressive Melanie Stansbury to our battle-tested caucus. Y’know, if these creeps can’t make fear work, they’ll have nothing to run on but their records. Hee.
Welp. Once again, my dad’s theory, that we’ll never be in any danger of running out of assholes, held true. Stay safe out there amongst those assholes, Resisters, many of them are armed, and the fight to preserve democracy needs you.
The One With the Republican Party's Hard Turn Against Democracy (Th'Ferret)
Shots in arms. Money in pockets. Smilin’ Joe Biden’s approval rating holdin’ steady, even rising. Shit, if it wasn’t for all the crazed, violent white supremacists poppin’ up all over the place, we’d be on the brink of the best summer ever. Well, let’s chronicle this shit and get on with the weekend, huh?
(Get all the nooz, in color and with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/the-one-with-the-republican-partys-hard-turn-against-democracy/)
I see Rick Santorum finally got fired from CNN for being openly, casually white supremacist. That would probably be better news in a country without so many powerful media outlets where you can’t get a job without being openly, casually white supremacist. Still, every time one of these creeps gets taint-punted out of polite society, an angel gets his wings.
Anybody else starting to hear Vincent Price’s voice when they read stories describing what pollsters are learning about the actually-we-LIKE-being-Nazis Republican base? That more than half of ‘em still think Tangerine Idi Amin won the election? That, by the millions, they’re becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea of using violence as a handy little America-greatening tool?
Oh, and the cult of QAnon is now as large as a major religion. I would advise against thinking about that as you’re trying to fall asleep.
Life in America is fast becoming this fun lil’ game where you try to get through your day-to-day life without accidentally wandering into one of these maniacs’ line of fire at the moment the maggots finally gnaw through the last cell in the part of the brain that talks you out of homicidal outbursts.
It would be really awesome if I were exaggerating for comic (or even dramatic) effect, but no, little stories like “crazy lady drives SUV into crowded vaccination tent” keep appearing, have you noticed that? The would-be murderess in question here claimed she was “protesting the vaccine.” You can reverse-engineer the way the wingnut media bubble broke this woman’s brain, can’tcha? Lil’ anti-science screeching, lil’ equating-protests-with-violence, and a sprinkle of heavily-publicized-red-state-laws-decriminalizing-vehicular-assault on top. Lots more of this shit to look forward to, folks. Wheeeeee.
Meanwhile Ron DeSantis, in his ongoing quest to prove to MAGA Nation that he and only he is the Fashiest of Them All, signed a demented little law designed to punish social media companies for deplatforming politicians over negligible transgressions like “inciting racist mob violence” and “spreading lethal public health disinformation.” Cool law, Ron.
Republicans’re certainly light on deeply-held principles these days, but expect the years ahead to contain many a crocodile-tear-soaked speech defending the Sacred First Amendment Right to Steal Your Megaphone So I Can Lie Louder. Why lookie here, noted sex trafficker Matthew Louis Gaetz II is already PUBLICLY CALLING FOR MURDER in the name of this entirely-fabricated perceived persecution.
And the path from Straight Fuckin’ Lie to Hey What You Should Do is Go Kill Some Democrats is only gonna keep getting shorter, folks.
Perhaps I’m being unfair. They’ve probably got lotsa principles. Ooo! Here’s one: “Power may only be wielded by our party, and any election results to the contrary, however decisive, are inherently invalid.” And sure, if you nerds want to get all technical about stuff, that’s essentially autocracy, but if you don’t like it, I’m sure we can find a spot for you in a nice, cozy work camp.
In Arizona, Republicans voted to strip the Secretary of State’s office of its powers to oversee elections, but only for the duration of the current term, because Democrat Katie Hobbs currently occupies the post, y’see, having won it in a free and fair election. Hobbs refuses to play ball when it comes to the Big Lie and the poo-flinging howler monkey “audit,” so fuck the will of the electorate that specifically chose her to carry out these duties, right?
Now, gerrymandering allows the minoritarian GOP to seize and hold power in quite a few states, but even so, every now and then, the peasants manage to make their voices heard directly, through statewide ballot measures, and boy howdy, our would-be overlords do not like that shit. So naturally, they’re trying to crush the entire process out of existence, because ruling with the consent of the governed is for CUCKS.
(If you want to see some real Orwell-on-a-meth-bender shit, check out the utterly deranged rationale the Mississippi Supreme Court used to steal folks’ right to govern themselves.)
And then there’s Texas, where the theocrat tyrants runnin’ the joint seem hellbent on translating Pat Robertson’s spank bank directly into legislative text. Abortion laws straight out of The Handmaid’s Tale, gun laws custom-engineered to manufacture mass murder, Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People suppression, even a bit of mindless jingoism thrown in for flavor and still Lt. Governor Dan “Send the Olds to the Soylent Factory Already” Patrick threw a shitfit because his gang of fanatics ran out of time before they could throw any state-mandated anti-transgender discrimination on the campfire.
(By the way, they’re pulling all this culture war crap to chase the liberals out of their steadily-purpling state, to save in turn their precious advantage in the Electoral College.)
San Jose hosted one of the most horrific of 2021’s 232 mass shootings (more by the time you read this, surely), as the nation’s psychotic, domineering gun culture makes up for all those lost months when the global pandemic made it difficult to find crowds large enough to be worthy of slaughter.
Wee Donnie One-Term might not have a political office or a social media platform or a brain capable of figuring out how umbrellas work, but what he does have is a grand jury looking into his history of fiscal fuckery. Seems Manhattan DA Cy Vance has the receipts, (and the tax returns...and Allen Weisselberg’s nuts in a vise...) and you know there’s at least one iPhone screen in Mar-a-Lago cracking to pieces under the panicked pounding of tiny, inadequate fingers attempting to google “an ex-President gets one last pardon, for old time’s sake, right?”
Some folks’re giddy with anticipation, now that Amazon’s acquisition of MGM means Jeff Bezos is (probably) the proud owner of the fabled Apprentice outtakes, allegedly overflowing with footage of Hairplug Himmler openly using slurs instead of his usual dog-whistle-drenched vernacular of plausible deniability. I confess, I doubt the release of these clips would change much; while we’re certainly in no danger of running out of indignant protestations about how maliciously unfair it is to call Republicans racist, you’d have to travel to the most isolated corners of the Amazon (the other one) to find human beings who don’t understand that bigotry is Trump and Trumpism’s SOLE selling point.
There’s something horrifyingly adorable (adorrifying?) about watching once-powerful “traditional” Republicans try to stand up to the out-of-control hate mob their party has become, only to discover every muscle anywhere near the spinal column has atrophied. Minority “Leader” McCarthy managed to sputter out an anemic “hey, couldja do me a solid and stop comparing shit to the Holocaust, Marjorie?” and Q’s favorite congressfreak responded with precisely the sort of grace and contrition any rational person would have seen coming a mile away. I feel like the snake/frog story gets told a lot these days...doesn’t seem to’ve sunk in.
Paul Ryan somehow managed to chirp his own half-assed condemnation of “the populist appeal of one personality,” without the sack to even mention Trump by name, like some sad, trembling, one-chapter Harry Potter character. Gosh Paul, if only you sat on the board of Fox News or somethin’, you might have the power to, I dunno, influence the discourse?
As expected, Senate Republicans successfully filibustered a bipartisan bill that would have created a bipartisan congressional commission to investigate the events of January 6th, 2021.
Hmmm. Naw, that ain’t it. If you truly prefer your coverage so milquetoast, watch Chuck Todd*. Here at Shower Cap’s Blog, we strive for something a little more honest. Let’s try this again:
As expected, Senate Republicans, in open collaboration with their increasingly fascist party’s terrorist wing, abused the powers of their offices and Congress’ arcane procedural Calvinball rulebook to cover up their own complicity in the most heinous terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11, because there is nothing, NOTHING they value over their own greasy grip on power; not the security of the homeland, not the values enshrined the U.S. Constitution, not even the lives of the Capitol law enforcement officers who risked and even gave everything to protect their craven asses from the bloodthirsty mob they themselves incited.
What assholes.
Mitch McConnell allegedly asked members of his caucus to vote no as a “personal favor,” and folks, I feel like if you find yourself in relationships with people who ask you to support terrorist violence in service to overthrowing and ending democracy in America, you should probably be big enough to admit that you’ve made some bad choices. Seriously. Please wander out into the desert to wrestle with your shit ASAP, because the point of no return has become distressingly discernible of late.
In a civilized society, not one of these colluding cowards would be able to so much as order a McFlurry without every decent American for miles shouting SHUT YOUR NAZI WHORE MOUTH, TRAITOR in unison until they slink away in shame.
Meanwhile, insurrectionist tooth jockey/sitting U.S. Congressman Paul Gosar wants to make a martyr of Ashli Babbitt, who got her fool ass killed doin’ all that terrorism she chose t’do. Call me old-fashioned, but when I see elected officials in the United States of America behaving like the leaders of ISIS and al-Qaeda, I get a little peevish. Anyway, I’m sure Minority Leader Chamberlain is far too busy not disciplining Gaetz and Taylor Greene to do anything about the other Nazi in his caucus.
So yeah, the theme this week** is that the whole dang Republican Party, top to bottom, is pretty much done with the whole “democracy” thing. You’re unlikely to find any inspirational cat posters in their offices these days, but if you catch ‘em at just the right moment, you’ll notice the glamor shot of Alexander Lukashenko on the edge of the desk, it’s the one they stare at longingly, whispering “soon, soon.”
Have I brought back the ol’ VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS catchphrase yet? Because y’all really need to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, what with dirtbag authoritarianism bein’ on the rise at home and abroad n’ all.
Lordy, that’s more than enough for now. May your weekend bring beer, brats, and meaningful reflection on the rights and responsibilities of American citizenship. I’ll be back to talk about more Nazi shit in a week. Stay safe out there, friends.
PS - I think maybe the Proud Boys are trying to take over the Nevada state GOP but I wasn’t sure I should mention it. Oh, and an event commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre was cancelled over threats of white supremacist violence. But it would be wrong to teach kids in school that America has a racism problem.
*Do not, under any circumstances, actually watch Chuck Todd.
**Kinda like last week. And the week before that. And the week before that. And...
Ted Cruz's Musings on Masculinity In the Military? Oh, My Wish Came True. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I am absolutely lovin’ vaccinated life, folks. I keep going back to the normalcy buffet for extra helpings...you’d think I’d be full to bursting by now, but it turns out I’m just insatiable for the stuff. So much nicer than 2020’s incessant shitstorm. What’s that? Mold-crazed, psychotically horny, buttless cicadas, you say? Well. Just this once, let’s retreat to the relative sanity of domestic politics...
(Shiny colors and news links found here: http://showercapblog.com/ted-cruzs-musings-on-masculinity-in-the-military-oh-my-wish-came-true/)
Seems that when Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t busy inciting terrorism or pelting co-workers with her own feces, she enjoys engaging in a bit of recreational property tax fraud, how populist! See, Cult45’s highest-ranking clergy are always, ALWAYS cheap (and utterly transparent) grifters, and frankly, I’d love to go back to chuckling condescendingly at the ease at which these rubes are parted from their money without worrying about their ever-increasing potential for genocidal violence.
But it would appear that option is unavailable at this time.
You know something’s up whenever Axios publishes anything that takes longer than fourteen seconds to read, and the latest installment of their Off the Rails (ew, branding) series was an indeed stirring tale of a floundering tyrant in decline, testing the fences to see just how much last-minute shitbaggery the Pentagon would let him get away with. You read it, and you side with the brass, of course, and then you realize you’re cheering for a vast, immovable, utterly unaccountable military bureaucracy with the power to defy Presidents and that’s perhaps slightly less than bangarang, but holy crud, the shit these goons tried to pull during the but-mom-I-don’t-want-a-transition period was FUCKED UP, my friends, and on balance, it’s probably best they were stopped. I think.
Y’all know I’ve been an enthusiastic Biden booster from jump street, but I’ve decided to go full MAGA now that I know about Uncle Joe’s dastardly commu-socialist plot to deny Chick-fil-A the special sauce that makes their garbage food taste extra bigotty. I’m only grateful that a true patriot like Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt took time out of his busy day doing fuckall for his constituents to bring this matter to my attention. MAKE SAUCE AMERICA AGAIN, goddammit.
As Merrick Garland blast-cleans the Department of Justice, we’re learning more and more about the rot that crept in, unchecked, under Barr and Sessions and that toilet fellow, who probably had a name, and perhaps even still does, but honestly, who gives a fuck?
For starters, they not-at-all-autocratically obtained a CNN reporter’s phone records, (hardly the only example of this particular breed of fuckery, by the way) as part of the attempted crackdown on the deluge of leaks that made Government Cheese Goebbels look like a blithering fool but he sure fixed that problem anyway remember when he stood in front of God and whole dang world and said EUREKA DRINK BLEACH?
And then it turned out ol’ Bilious Bill Barr got himself a grand jury subpoena to unmask an anonymous Twitter account dedicated to mocking Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, arguably the most mockable lump of corruption, asininity, and obsequiousness in all creation.
I read that shit, and a wave of sickening nostalgia washed over me; I confess it’d slipped my mind, the way these massive abuses of power were so often perpetrated in service to the pettiest whims of the dumpster flies who swarmed around that fetid turdpile that was allowed to accumulate behind the Resolute desk.
Maybe it’s just because of lingering cartoon stereotypes about German efficiency, but I always assumed Nazis would be, like, unusually competent, y’know? Having lived through the last five years, I understand now, of course they’re gonna be the mouth-breathingest fuckups on the planet, that’s why they need all the lying and violence in the first place. Learning that lesson sure has been fun, huh?
America’s theocratic jackals slobbered extra-menacingly this week as their stalking circle around Roe v. Wade drew tighter than ever, now that the Supreme Court has taken a case that will allow the new, Amy Coney Barrett-infused fanatic majority to strut its newfound freedom from John Roberts’ periodic bouts of common sense. Anyway, if there are any 2016 third party voters out there, please know I’d still truly love to lock you in a Lollapalooza outhouse and roll you down the largest hill I can find.
Rudy Giuliani’s idiot manchild kid is running for Governor of New York, strongly suggesting that addiction to public humiliation is hereditary. It took Son of Cousin-Fucker almost a whole day to self-define as a blowhard who never quite got over the educational hurdle men call “counting,” so maybe don’t hold your breath on that state-level pardon, Dotard. Oh, and bad news, kid, the secret to electoral success was probably on one of the eighteen devices th’feds seized from your dirtbag dad in that raid the other day.
Did somebody say pardon? Because yeah, the New York Attorney General’s investigation into the Trump Organization has gone CRIMINAL, BAY-BEEEEEEE! Details are slight at present, but perhaps all the loose change I’ve been tossing into shopping mall fountains, accompanied by fiercely whispered wishes that I live to see Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot die, destitute and alone, in a federal prison cell, is finally paying off.
Anyway, if I can revisit the theme of “dangerously unqualified idiot thugs running for high office in search of terrifying amounts of personal power,” Mike “the Pink Polo Commando” McCloskey apparently hopes to ride the internet celebrity born of waving a semi-automatic rifle at strangers for having the audacity to Exist Near His House While Possessing Insufficiently White Skin all the way to the United States Senate. The entire rationale behind the campaign amounts to DON’TCHA THINK YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MURDER BLACK PEOPLE IF THEY GET TOO CLOSE TO YOUR LAWN and the skeevy motherfucker STILL might be a better pick than Greitens.
You guys, I don’t mean to cast aspersions, but I’m starting to think maybe 622 or 623 of the GOP’s 3,597 Benghazi hearings may’ve been cynical political exercises rather than good faith attempts to identify and correct flaws in global embassy security. I mention this because “Should we investigate a terrorist attack on our nation’s Capitol or nah?” is the hottest debate going in American politics, and I say “debate” because this shit is somehow controversial, on account of the way one of our major political parties has an active terrorist wing now. Turns out living in history kinda sucks.
Now, on a certain level, I understand it’s unreasonable to expect courage, decency, or a thimbleful of love of country from these cowering collaborators; I simply beg for deliverance from the fucking theatre. Literally everyone understands what’s going on here: you won’t allow a congressional commission to investigate the events of January 6th because doing so would shine a great big ugly spotlight on what your party has become, namely a murderous mob in the thrall of an uncommonly unintelligent game show host. The melodramatic quiver in your voice as you stammer through this latest bullshit excuse for your cravenness embarrasses everyone.
South Dakota Senator John Thune at least admitted his opposition to (checks notes) fighting terrorism is rooted in partisan politics; so points for honesty, if not integrity. Casual disloyalty to the USA aside, one cannot help but chuckle darkly at the Senator’s insistence that the Grand Old Death Cult wants to focus on the issues ahead of the coming midterm elections; Thuney me lad, you are a proud member of the party whose entire policy platform during the last presidential election read “whatever Daddy says he wants,” so why don’t we agree to leave you and your invertebrate colleagues to your boot-licking while the grown-ups keep cleaning up your messes, k?
You knew Kevin McCarthy wouldn’t be able to resist such a perfect opportunity to slather himself in disgrace and dishonor; his decision to not only oppose the creation of a January 6th commission, but to whip his caucus to vote against it resulted in the trademark hodgepodge of dereliction of duty and mortifying defeat that will surely come to define this new McCarthyism, assuming any of us live long enough to record the history of these batguano-drenched times.
(Quick side note: I feel like if you have to flee in terror from questions like “Say, bro, was anybody on your team in contact with that terrorist mob while they were doin’ all that terrorism?” you might not be Speaker material, but I understand standards are different* on your side of the aisle.)
Jokes aside, what’s going on in my country these days is the elected officials of the Republican Party are taking the side of, and all but working in tandem with domestic terrorists because they’re afraid of losing the terrorists’ votes. And I get that being a Senator is fun, and all that power must be intoxicating, but kids, y’all need to sit down with a playlist of songs about looking in the mirror and work your shit out, because the path you are walking ends in bloodshed, and quite a lot of it. Please, please stop, before you set the whole damn world on fire.
No doubt seduced by the raw matinee idol sex appeal of Jim Risch, voters in several rural Oregon counties are trying to secede and join the Holy Idahoan Empire, where Wee Donnie One-Term still reigns as Turd Emperor, and education is a filthy word. Honestly, everyone might be better off if we just let these antisocial assclowns establish their precious Dumbfuckistan someplace, build a great big wall around it, and airdrop a few crates of Trump steaks and MyPillows every six weeks.
The Arizona election “audit” continues, under the watchful eye of the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Understudy Squad. Even better news, this drooling shitweasel clusterfuck has started to inspire wannabe copycat audits, thanks to the unceasing barrage of disinformation pumped into every American home via impotent, overmatched social media platforms and greedy, amoral cable bundlers. Television and the internet had such awesome potential to elevate humanity but, dim-witted apes that we are, we’ve decided we’d rather use ‘em to commit suicide-by-swarms-of-brainwashed-idiots.
Ted Cruz despises America so much, he just couldn’t stop himself from spreading Russian propaganda disparaging the United States Armed Forces as “emasculated,” bold words for a dude who spilts his time between Cancún and an Airbnb up the ass of the dude who called his wife ugly.
Ted has been pulling this shit more or less constantly of late, in a feeble attempt to appear “Trumpy,” which of course won’t work, but I guess they don’t teach self-awareness at Harvard Law, so he’s just going to keep on debasing himself and debasing himself and I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining.
Infrastructure negotiations between the Biden Administration and the Senate GOP hit a snag over the White House’s insistence that the bill actually help the American people, while Republicans hold firm to their longstanding position that the filthy takers should shut their worthless serf mouths unless they’re expressing gratitude that they haven’t yet been shoveled into the furnace aboard some DeVos family yacht like they deserve.
It’s probably not good news when you find out your ex-girlfriend is cooperating with the federal investigation into sex trafficking allegations against you, but I suppose we should ask Matt Gaetz to find out for sure. Yes, Mattward, there’re just loads of similarities between your situation and the allocation of earmarks, but I imagine the jury will find a few key differences.
Fuckin’ YIKES, y’all. I think we’ve earned our weekend. Everybody out there’s already vaccinated, right? I don’t need to be all responsible and shit and use my juvenile platform here to advocate for vaccination, right? We can all just get to our drinking now, right?
*nonexistent
Gas-Hoarding, Protein-Shedding, and Other Uniquely American Mental Disorders (Th'Ferret)
Friends, I am FULLY VACCINATED and living my best life, ushering in a bold new age of cancel culture in horse racing and shedding proteins all over every Real Murican I can find. Things’re so goshdarn shiny n’ happy these days, I can almost forget about the millions-strong army of brainwashed morons trying to destroy my country. Almost.
(If you like news links and bright colors, get this post here: http://showercapblog.com/gas-hoarding-protein-shedding-and-other-uniquely-american-mental-disorders/)
About that protein shedding, yyyyyyyeah, welcome to the latest daffy conspiracy theory pinballing through MAGA Nation’s collective empty noggin. Kudos to whoever dreamed this one up, though, because the Children of the Candy Corn are so worried about the sinister, shedding-prone proteins manufactured by Bill Gates’ Deep State Vaccination Cabal that they’re...god, I can’t even type it...they’re SOCIAL DISTANCING in terror. Some are even talking about, I kid you not, wearing masks to protect themselves. I think this makes it fairly clear that A) there is indeed a higher power and B) it enjoys fucking with us.
To any ungrateful serfs out there reading this, GET BACK TO WORK YA FILTHY TAKERS! Now that everybody’s all vaccinated n’ shit, America’s job creators really have to insist you report back to the galleys, where your starvation wages will probably trickle down, provided you’re quiet and obedient. Seriously, the job market tilted ever-so-slightly in favor of labor for all of twelve seconds before the entire GOP freaked the fuck out, cutting off pandemic-era unemployment benefits wherever they could, but hey, stay mad about potato toy genitals, non-college whites! That’s the REAL fight!
It’s becoming more and more difficult to refrain from kink-shaming Rand Paul over his penchant for mortifying public clashes with Dr. Anthony Fauci. The Senate’s Fakest Doctor accused America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist of lovingly spooning Chinese scientists in Wuhan while they painstakingly crafted COVID-19 by hand, because, well, because he’s a fucking idiot, I suppose. I’ve tried to avoid the whole “GOLLY YOU CAN SURE SEE WHY PEOPLE WANT TO PUNCH RAND PAUL” gag over the years because it’s low-hanging fruit but I mean COME ON.
Well, Wayne LaPierre’s scheme to sneak the cancer upon American society known as the National Rifle Association out of New York (and legal jeopardy) under the cover of bankruptcy has officially failed, which I suppose momentarily takes a bit of the sting out of his more successful life’s work: drenching the nation in blood and grief for the sake of his own personal enrichment. Wayne’s comeuppance was near the top of the list I sent to Santa last Xmas, and I didn’t get the Pokémon cards, so I’m cautiously optimistic here.
Word on the street is, Skidmark Jr.’s now-ex-wife ordered a little somethin’ somethin’ off the Secret Service’s secret menu, nudge nudge, wink wink. One nice thing about moving on from a scion of the Turd Family Robinshart is literally anyone else must seem like an almost otherworldly upgrade. “What I love most about you, dearest, is the way I never have to vacuum cocaine out of your shitty, shitty beard while you’re passed out on the bathroom floor.”
Michigan state Rep. Matt Maddock, quite the starry-eyed little goose-stepper, has a dream, y’all! A dream of a world where Matt Maddock gets to wield the awesome power of the state to grind all those uppity so-called “fact-checkers” to dust beneath his shiny bootheel. Nothing to see here, just a known liar trying to legislate objective reality out of existence. Truly, the states are the laboratories of fascism.
Ron DeSantis vowed to pardon every Floridian who violated local coronavirus health mandates, because hey, is senselessly, selfishly spreading disease and death through your community really a crime? Definitely a good, healthy sign for American democracy, that every ambition-crazed Republican with an eye towards inheriting Cult45’s High Priesthood views “abusing power to elevate members of the tribe beyond the reach of justice” as an essential aspect of the requisite Trump impersonation act.
Well, Liz Cheney has indeed been sent to live on a farm upstate, where at least she’ll have plenty of room to run around and shoot her daddy’s hunting buddies in the face. As expected, soulless opportunist Elise Stefanik oozed into Cheney’s old job, all too happy to execute the position’s recently revised duties: Just Lie, Baby. Lie big, lie loud, lie every single time you open your lying mouth.
Oh, and kiss ass. Suckle those saggy, withered, no-doubt-spray-tanned loser cheeks, Elise. Greatness waits just around the corner. Surely.
Rid at last of Liz’s pesky truth-telling, Kevin McCarthy’s Kraven Kreep Kaucus celebrated with some more Public Nazi Shit, desecrating a House Oversight and Reform Committee hearing with their vile movement’s trademark venomous gaslighting, peppering the Big Lie with ineptly fabricated minutiae, like a bloviating uncle trying to sell you his fish story, only instead of an enormous, nigh-legendary trout, it was America’s two-centuries-and-change-old democracy that barely got away.
Fashy dentist Paul Gosar whined that law enforcement is “harassing” the “peaceful patriots” who erected a gallows in front of the Capitol with the loudly-proclaimed intention of lynching the sitting Vice President. Jody Hice, who dreams of replacing Brad Raffensperger as Georgia’s secretary of state so his increasingly authoritarian party can stop worrying about silly shit like “the will of the electorate,” insisted it was unfair to blame the poor, maligned Trumpist mob for the wackily coincidental death from natural causes of Capitol Police Officer Brian Sicknick, who yes, okay, was the recipient of a chemical weapons attack perpetrated by members of an insurrectionist horde filled with known white nationalists, but NATURAL CAUSES is the point, on the off chance anyone believes any of this horseshit.
Still, I think Georgia’s Andrew Clyde takes the meth-laced cake with his claim that the Capitol Riot was nothing more than a “normal tourist visit.” Perhaps Clyde’s favorite travel agent specializes in vacations where you journey to exotic locales and assault the local constabulary with chemical sprays and blunt weaponry, or perhaps he’s a lying sack of monkey crap working diligently to destroy the American government from within; either way, fuck him with the entire Arms and Armor exhibit at the Met.
The overarching point here seems to be that the white boy terrorists are the Real Victims Here™️, and that insisting upon enforcing the fat stack of laws they broke is, in fact, persecution. It’s all quite silly, even laughable, until you remember it’s part of a coordinated strategy between right-wing media and elected officials to normalize and provoke violence as a viable political tactic to keep an unpopular minoritarian movement in power.
The terrorists themselves agree with the victimhood diagnosis, of course. Some loser Proud Boy (but I repeat myself) angrily denounced the Hemorrhoid Emperor for abandoning his dipshit cannon fodder, excuse me, ‘most faithful supporters’ “on the battlefield bloody and alone.” Son, if, after everything that’s been written about Donald John Trump over the last half-decade, you still somehow expect, of all things, LOYALTY from the guy, prison is the safest place for you; you’d never make it out here in the real world, with all its tricksy con men and pointy corners.
A former staffer is suing Republican Congressdolt Doug Lamborn for refusing to follow COVID-19 safety protocols, even after an outbreak in his office. Lamborn thought the whole thing was a “hoax,” y’see, and slept in the office during its “coronavirus playground” phase, even helping his deadbeat kid save a few bucks on rent by bunking up in a Capitol basement storage space. Taxpayers have to foot the bill to house your offspring AND your highly communicable disease? Not cool, Doug.
If you’re wondering, as any rational being would, just who the fuck elects these used-chewing-gum-from-beneath-the-seats-at-the-bowling-alley-brained shitweasels to Congress in the first place, I imagine we could learn quite a bit from the enthusiastic gas hoarder class that’s sprung up in the aftermath of a ransomware attack on the Colonial Pipeline. Dispatch a battalion of New York Times reporters to Appalachia’s many diners; the dudes you want to talk to can be identified by their jealously guarded plastic bags filled with gasoline.
...not to invoke the Fall of Rome or anything, but it’s possible the can-do American spirit has become terminally diluted with opioids, disinformation, and Trump Vodka.
But yeah, It with a capital I is still Happening Here, all around us, and I guess we all get to just...live with that? Accept it as the price of living in the United States of America now? Hope that the coalition that elected Biden doesn’t allow sweet, soothing normalcy to lull the populace into complacency, allowing the very worst scumfucks humanity has to offer to drag the nation down the dark and violent path to fascist white nationalism in 2022 and beyond? Fun stuff to ponder, no?*
And why? Republicans, why the heck are you lashing yourselves ever more tightly to that deposed, indeed decomposing Nazi clown? Like all his ventures, from his casinos to his airline to his presidency, the Velveeta Vulgarian’s attempt to rebuild his social media platform has proven a humiliating failure. He waddles pathetically around Marm-a-Lago, crashing parties like that creepy old guy who shows up at the karaoke bar every damn night to sing the same fucking Meat Loaf song and hit on women his daughter's age. Outside of Lindsey Graham’s wet dreams, the guy wields no actual power. Maybe cut him loose before you collaborating doofuses start a second civil war?
Even some Republicans are becoming appalled at the gaggle of drooling assclowns conducting the “election audit” in Arizona. Somebody thankfully put the kibosh on the idea of letting these bamboo fiber detectives go door-to-door, harassing voters in their homes, but it seems this idiot subplot will run another few weeks at least. Sigh.
Seems the Heritage Foundation has been helpfully writing state-level Republicans’ racist voter suppression laws for them, a clever division of labor in a movement where elected officials are chosen primarily for their ability to spew bigoted gibberish at the easily misled. Oh, and speaking of:
Without any silly committee assignments clogging up her calendar, Marjorie Taylor Greene is free to roam the halls of Congress, smearing feces on the walls and belching up hate-filled inanities at unsuspecting passerby. Bumping into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is always a special treat for the maggots devouring Marjorie’s brain, of course.
It’s clear this maniac can’t peacefully co-exist with anyone, (outside of child rapists) so it’s time to start considering folks’ safety. Maybe we can find a nice patch of land outside town, she can build herself a cozy little gingerbread house and lure Turning Point USA interns to their doom.
By the way, Matt Gaetz’s creepy sex-trafficking pal Joel Greenberg officially entered into his plea agreement with th’feds, and it seems Joel has quite the tale to tell, but make note that neither Matty Pays-for-Sex nor the Vainglorious MTG have received anything like the Liz Cheney treatment, because it’s not as though they’ve done anything truly reprehensible, like telling the truth, or suggesting, “hey, why don’t we NOT be Nazis?”
Seems that back during the interminable days of the Turd Reich, the goon squad over at Project Veritas teamed up with Erik Prince and a foreign spy in a sad, failed attempt to run a honeypot op on ol’ H.R. McMaster, cuz he called their Turlord a massive fucking idiot, which was taken as proof that the Deep State had a firm grasp of the obvious. Dear lord. Everything is so stupid. I say bring on the dang Visigoths, this culture could use a good decline and fall.
Lordy, that was some week. If I missed anything, I apologize; I’ve been packing for a trip to an out-of-town wedding this weekend, and between that and my shedding proteins, my quarantine brain has been downright overwhelmed. Stay safe out there, Resisters!
*No.
When Liz Cheney Isn't Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You've Made Some Choices (Ze Ferret)
Ah, the sun is shining, flowers have begun to bloom, and even now that second sweet dose o’ Pfizer rewrites my DNA in accordance with Bill Gates’ grand plan. Were it not for the GOP’s steady, methodical march towards authoritarianism, I might’ve burst into song by now; as it is, I don’t imagine I’ll be swapping out my chroniclin’ pants for tap shoes any time soon.
(U want links n’ color n’ other completely magical shit? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/when-liz-cheney-isnt-shitty-enough-for-your-cult-youve-made-some-choices/)
Well, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is still banned from Facebook, for at least six more months, while Mark Zuckerberg ponders the profitability of platforming a terrorism-inciting, white supremacist madman. Pretty cool that a decision of such magnitude lies in the hands of one unelected sociopath, huh?
At least we still get to watch Wee Donnie One-Term get smacked down with each pathetic new attempt to sneak back onto Twitter. There’s just something about watching a Nazi step on a rake that livens up one’s day, don’t you think?
Most men would walk away from a debacle like the Four Seasons Total Landscaping incident confident their place in loser meltdown history was secure, but for Rudy Giuliani, rock bottom was just another trip around the board without passing Go or collecting $200.
Little more than MAGA Nation’s drooling, batshit uncle now, Rudy is reduced to begging his old boss to pay his mounting legal bills, (good luck with that, Cousin-Fucker) because nobody’s gonna whip up an angry mob to keep Dear Leader’s perpetually self-immolating idiot lawyer out of prison, y’know?
Why, the poor traitor can apparently no longer afford to keep his entourage!
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to grieve.)
Mitch McConnell sneeringly informed the world that “one hundred percent of my focus is standing up to this administration,” rough news for anyone hoping Yertle’s long-teased trip hop concept album about the life of John Sherman Cooper would drop this year, and also for anyone hoping the Republican Party might be interested in helping the nation recover from their murderous mismanagement of the pandemic.
Now, the Biden agenda Wrinkly Gamera opposes so fervently has mostly been about controlling the coronavirus and reducing unemployment so far, because I guess supporting life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is a partisan position these days. And that seems shocking, until one ruminates for a moment on the absurdity of the very idea of shared, self-evident truths (about equality, no less) in our current political climate. Anyhoo, if anybody out there has an open sofa in a country where half the electorate isn’t in a death cult, drop me a line, wouldja?
Oregon State Rep. Mike Nearman faces multiple criminal charges for granting lunatic anti-mask rioters access to the state Capitol last December, so they could skip merrily through the halls, spreading COVID-19 and bear mace. Going forward, I guess we need to add some specifics to our elected representatives’ oaths of office; maybe a line or two about I Will Not Aid Terrorist Plots to Attack the Building Where I Work?
(I don’t blame the founders for this blind spot; how’s a culture that’s just working through its powdered wig phase supposed to see the I’mma Spread a Lethal Virus to Own the Libs crowd coming?)
By the way, Nearman caught COVID too, because fucking of course he did.
Tennessee Republicans banned teaching “critical race theory” in public schools, because it’s scandalous to even suggest that there’s any institutional racism in this, our pure, pristine, never-even-mildly-imperfect nation; why yes, the selfsame Tennessee Republicans who felt the need to defend the unjustly maligned honor of that famous anti-racism measure...the Three-Fifths Compromise. I feel compelled to remind everyone that I am somehow not, in defiance of all reason and sanity, making any of this shit up.
Republicans provided further evidence of America’s complete lack of institutional racism over in the Centennial State, where Rep. Richard Holtorf very non-racistly spat a slur directly in his Black colleagues’ faces, right on the floor of the Colorado House. Thank heaven Rich didn’t have to learn about critical race theory in school, right?
And of course, wherever they’re able, Republicans continue their efforts to use the powers of state government to prevent minorities from voting...yeah, kids, if you just get rid of that critical theory stuff, nobody’ll notice you’re racist. That’ll work. Good plan.
Ron DeSantis even signed Florida’s shiny new Jim Crow bill into law in a special ceremony staged exclusively for Fux Nooz, because the path to the 2024 Republican presidential nomination runs through performative acts of white supremacist pettiness, apparently.
Since we seem to have unknowingly embarked on a tour of state-level Republican fucknuttery, we may as well swing by the land of my rearing, the great state of Kansas, where the headline, about state Rep. Mark Samsel getting arrested for kneeing a student in the groin, is merely the lid on a Pandora’s Box of helter-skelter nucking futz behavior I wouldn’t dream of spoiling here. If you click on just one Shower Cap link tonight, make it this one.
We should’ve known there was something off with this latest Arizona recount when the auditors requested a bowl of just red M&M’s with the other colors replaced by candied bath salts, but boy howdy, these weirdos have turned out to be unusually buggy even by the modern era’s shall we say “elevated” standard.
They’re looking for bamboo fibers on the ballots because, you see, the idea is that sinister Chinese operatives smuggled tens of thousands of Biden votes into Maricopa County, and just couldn’t stop themselves from rubbing bamboo all over them. One of the maniacs in charge of this episode of Shitty Orwell Theatre is a conspiracy-theory-spewing former state Representative who attended the festivities in D.C. on January 6th. At the risk of calling for intrusive government regulation, perhaps insurrectionists should be legally barred from fucking around with folks’ ballots. Just a thought.
Because what we have here is American fascism’s loyal bureaucratic footsoldiers meddling, without anything approaching adequate oversight or security, with extremely important documents from a razor-thin swing-state Presidential election, secreting god knows what viscous fluids all over them, in service to the Big Lie that incited violent insurrection just four short months ago.
Yes, the Big Lie is alive and well, and apparently it eats Cheneys. Normally I wouldn’t complain; Liz Cheney is, of course, absolutely fucking awful, and monstrously wrong on any of ten thousand issues, but we happen to see more or less eye-to-eye when it comes to the general undesirability of adopting autocracy in the United States. Eh. I’ve had stranger bedfellows.
Anyway, cancel culture has come for Liz, not over Dr. Seuss or plastic potato genitalia, but her refusal to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, to accept and spread as gospel his fascistic disinformation. Kevin McCarthy’s caucus is positively overjoyed at this chance to grovel before the golden toilet throne; they’re certainly reveling in every available opportunity to theatrically sharpen their knives ahead of Cheney’s imminent excommunication; one assumes once the ritual formalities have concluded, she’ll be dragged into the cloakroom and devoured raw by her former colleagues.
Y’know, I laughed at that guy who said he was a time traveler, because he told me the Cubs winning the World Series would set off the worst days of my life, and that watching Mitt Romney and the Cheneys get chased out of the Republican Party would fill me with worry and dread, but now I’m just mad I didn’t ask for stock tips.
Anyway, you’ve probably been hearing quite a bit about Cheney’s rapacious replacement-in-waiting, the odious Elise Stefanik, who oozes amoral ambition to a degree seldom encountered outside fable. Much has been made of Stefanik’s effortlessly oily glide from Rational Moderate to Bellowing Zealot, and folks, the ascent of power-crazed climbers utterly lacking any true core beliefs is another big part of How it Happens Here.
Speaking of the craven collaborators giddily selling America to ruin, Lindsey Graham, in joining the Cheney pile-on, admits his lost, broken party can’t move forward without their deposed Maggot King. Now, this may seem like nothing more than a well-trained dog dutifully jumping through his hoop, but Lindsey’s not wrong, and he’s not alone in realizing that four years of atrocity and lethal incompetence with nothing but blind, burning hatred offered in justification radicalized so many millions of Americans into anti-Republican activists that the “Party of Lincoln” has no choice but to burrow ever further up their Dimestore Führer’s ass, because without his demented cult of personality, they have no hope of competing with the massive opposing coalition they themselves built with their own failure and corruption and can you believe I’ve been accused of writing indecipherable run-on sentences?
Growing up, they always told me the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Having spent several recent years getting dragged against my will down said path, I can confidently state the primary building material used is in fact the Shitty Decisions of Cowardly Old White Guys.
Vaccination was going so well that we were starting to get our hopes up, but then of course we ran into the same wall of assholes that always seems to pop up whenever we try to give the public nice things, (like, y’know, the END OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PANDEMIC) so instead of herd immunity and a return to normalcy, looks like we get Covid Forever and also Cud-Brained Shitweasels Screeching About Masks and Vaccines Forever, yay.
Needless to say, Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour is the nation’s leading source of anti-vax disinformation, because apparently the whole Stochastic Terrorism Propaganda Machine shtick isn’t killing Americans quickly enough for Fish Stix Hitler’s liking.
What else? I see Caitlyn Jenner went on Hannity to reassure Republican voters she despises the homeless just as much as any other wealthy white asshole. Retail politics sure get strange in a hate cult.
Thaaaaaaaat’s about all I can handle for one week, friends. As always, I hope you’re staying safe out there...oh hey, be on the lookout for rogue plummeting rockets, I guess, as if there wasn’t enough on your plate already.
Lies, Damned Lies, and Lies About Beer Being Made From Meat (Ferret)
Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so ain’t it great they’re not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over their own faces for reasons best left to elite psychiatric professionals to diagnose. Still, you’re here, so let’s get chroniclin’.
(GIT IT with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/lies-damned-lies-and-lies-about-beer-being-made-from-meat/)
Hey hey friends, didja see them new CDC guidelines? All these delicious new privileges raining down upon us, all at once, it’s like turning 21 all over again! I personally plan on going completely wild. Like, bachelor-party-in-Vegas wild, though my version of that will be stumbling from bookstore to bookstore and browsing for hours. Remember BROWSING IN BOOKSTORES? Unnnnnnnnnnnngh sploot.
A lot of the big stuff in the new guidelines pertains to mask wearing, and it’s all great, wonderful news, but at this point, the denizens of MAGA Nation have conditioned themselves into this Pavlovian response wherein they shriek “tyranny” and shit themselves whenever they hear the word “mask,” so of course they’re being all weird and hostile about everything.
For the love of all that’s holy, somebody just ask the Tootsie Pop Owl how many American corpses it takes to get these freedumb-fuddled fuckheads to throw in this stupid, stupid towel? 572,190 wasn’t the magic number...we’ll try again tomorrow, I guess.
Like, that idiot lawmaker up in Alaska who just got her batty ass banned from the only airline that flies to her hometown...how are you STILL throwing this tantrum? It’s like being in the last act of an Alien movie and demanding the waiter bring you a fresh plate of facehuggers. What, at long last, is fucking wrong with you?
While Cult45 gave nary a fuck about containing the coronavirus as it killed and killed and killed for an entire goddamn year, they are absolutely quaking with umbrage that somebody somewhere might be wearing a mask when they don’t strictly need to. JOE BIDEN WORE A MASK ON TV THE OTHER DAY HE’S THE DEVIL they squeal, before injecting fresh bleach into their idolatrous Trump shrines.
Tucker Carlson went a step further, of course, cuz that’s what Tucker Carlson does. Fish Stix Hitler actually encouraged his viewers to initiate conflict with mask-wearing strangers, part of his slow, steady campaign to normalize street violence, and radicalize his viewers into white supremacist terrorists. Which we just...allow, as a culture, it seems. Say, maybe that’s not the best idea.
Comrades, I never in my wildest, communistest fantasies dreamed that Operation: Jade Helm III: The Bidening would go so well! We are months ahead of schedule, already we have begun replacing America’s meat-based beers with feminized vegan alternatives! Deprived of the masculinity-enhancing essences derived from fleshy brews, American manhood shall surely wither and die!
Anyway, BREAKING NEWS: Larry Kudlow said something profoundly idiotic again, although on a topic other than economics, which is kinda refreshing. The Kudmeister was just doing his humble part to flood the zone with shit, y’see, spreading the latest preposterous right-wing lie, something about the Biden Administration’s nefarious plot to Outlaw Meat Except For Maybe a Ham Cube or Two on Your Birthday If You’re Woke Enough.
Also Vice President Harris appropriated fourteen billion taxpayer dollars (and she specifically asked to only use white folks’ money) to purchase copies of her children’s book in order to distribute them to migrant kids at the border as part of their Deep State Welcome/Indoctrination Kit, along with a switchblade and a map to the homes of nearby evangelicals.
Of course, that didn’t happen either. Naturally, Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post wasn’t gonna let any silly cuck stuff like “checking to see if there’s any truth at all to this ridiculous story” interfere with an opportunity to force another shovelful of horseshit down the rubes’ willing gullets. In a couple months, some pollster’s gonna ask people if they believe this crap, and you’ll look at the numbers and cry.
I see Rick Santorum dropped that teevee-friendly mask of his again, belching up the language of white supremacy with such nonchalance you can totally tell he’s not above engaging in a little light Holocaust denial after a Zima or two. Okay. I understand CNN wants to present the far-right point of view to their audience, but Santorum has always been a deranged theocrat, with an awful, hate-based ideology, and surely we can do without his I’m Your Cuddly Wingnut Buddy! schtick.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels and Mitch McConnell are still at each other’s throats, and if ever there was a problem crying out to be solved by an unscrupulous professional wrestling promoter...make sure the steel cage is extra rusty, is my only request.
Hey, speaking of Shitty Old White Men Who’ve Been Trying to Destroy My Country, I see the Consequences Fairy paid a lil’ visit to the Giuliani household, the kind requiring a search warrant, tee hee. Rudy’s defense strategy seems heavy on screaming about Hunter Biden’s laptop and hoping the details sort themselves out, so I don’t imagine we’ve enjoyed our last laugh at Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s expense.
Turns out the FBI tapped Amerikkka’s Mayor on the shoulder way back in 2019 to warn him Russia was using him to spread disinformation as part of their ongoing Fuck America With a Rake campaign, but Rudes was all, “No worries brah, I’m betraying my homeland on purpose!”
Ron Johnson received a similar warning, what’s called a “defensive briefing” in fact, and upon learning he was being deployed as Vlad Putin’s useful idiot, pumped his fist and exclaimed, “Hear that, Ma? I’m USEFUL!”
Smilin’ Joe Biden went to Congress to give a little speech celebrating 100 days of Not Letting a Nazi Game Show Host Fuck Everything Up, but Republicans still grimaced and pouted their way through it, especially the parts about reducing childhood poverty, because most GOP Senators’ retirement fantasies revolve around opening private orphanages so they can stingily dispense gruel and porridge with an iron hand.
Tim Scott, bless his heart, got stuck with the rebuttal gig, for reasons which, I’m certain, had absolutely nothing to do with shouting WE’VE GOT A BLACK GUY HOW RACIST CAN WE BE at nation that watched the GOP incite a white nationalist lynch mob to murder Congress and overturn the election. Bet that works.
Like, I know feeble gaslighting is the only arrow left in the conservative quiver, but if this sauce gets any weaker you’re gonna be able to order a bottomless bowl of it at Olive Garden. “How dare you imply there’s systemic racism in America also I’m introducing legislation to eliminate all polling places in minority precincts except one, which must by law be located inside a live volcano.” Who do you imagine you’re fooling with this garbage? (Eric and Don Jr. don’t count.)
Meanwhile, McConnell shot off this pitiful, whinging memo to Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, demanding the abandonment of tools like the 1619 Project in favor of feeding the nation’s youth a steady diet of ‘Murican propaganda, because honestly, how’s a disinformation-spewing death cult supposed to indoctrinate a population if you keep on showing them the TRUTH all the dang time? Hey Yertle, if I can borrow a page from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a fascist if the idea of teaching American history in American history classes sends you into a turbulent turtle tizzy.
Somehow, the slow-motion implosion of Matt Gaetz keeps getting grosser. We’ve swiftly plummeted to Check Out David Cronenberg There in the Corner He Looks Like He Ate Bad Squid levels of revoltingness; it’s frankly interfering with my ability to enjoy the windshield splattering of perhaps the one fly that grew most engorged at the Shitpile of Trumpism. Just throw him down a well and spare us further details, ‘kay?
Incidentally, turns out Roger Stone is the amiable sort of fellow who’ll gladly ask his corrupt President pal to further defile the office and its powers by pardoning a child sex trafficker, for the low, low price of 250 grand. Stone, Gaetz, Kudlow...those scatbuckets had Donnie Dotard’s ear while he was ignoring the doctors and scientists, how odd that things didn’t work out.
Hey, speaking of prominent conservative pedophiles, Josh Duggar, that close personal friend of the “Christian” Huckabee clan, has been arrested and indicted for possession of child pornography. Sure is weird that right-wingers’ll shoot up a pizza joint based on something they thought they saw spelled out in a chemtrail, but can’t be bothered to muster a mumbled “hey quit it” for Duggar or Gaetz or Roy Moore or Donald Trump or Denny Hastert or Caleb Bailey or Marty Glickman or Ralph Shortey or Tim Nolan or any of the rest of the LITERAL ARMY OF REPUBLICAN CHILD MOLESTERS, huh?
Hey Minority Leader McCarthy! Look, I know leadership isn’t exactly your “thing,” but do you maybe wanna, I dunno, work up a quick lil’ statement? Something like, “Even in our post-decency party/cult/wad of subpar white boy rage, a child rapist is not welcome” or do you worry that’d open the door to requiring accountability from the rest of your caucus of traitors and terrorists?
Newly-released documents reveal the depths of madness and paranoia gripping the lunatic “Cyber Ninjas” who’ve somehow been allowed to conduct an unnecessary, redundant audit of the 2020 election in Arizona’s Maricopa County. Hey, maybe folks suffering from delusions that they’re being targeted for Fast-and-Furious-worthy paramilitary strikes carried out by imaginary antifa legions shouldn’t be given access to these ballots, y’know?
Through all this weird, weird fuckery, Joe just keeps on chuggin’ along, methodically undoing his vile predecessor’s despicable works. The Big Dumb Wall finally took its rightful place in history’s blazing dumpster, and the $14 billion Weehands McNodick unconstitutionally stole from the Pentagon has been returned to the...well, to the sprawling, out-of-control, military-industrial complex...okay, there’s still some work to do.
...but it can wait ‘till Monday, I’ve got an intriguing new IPA that requires my immediate attention. When next we meet, I shall have received my SECOND SHOT and I shall be a very happy Cap indeed. Until that merry day...stay safe out there, Resisters.
Carlson, Lindell, Chauvin, and Other Bleached Buttholes of the White Nationalist American Right (F)
Hard to believe that just one short year ago, the President of the United States stood amidst the wreckage of his catastrophic pandemic mismanagement, corpses piling higher by the hour, and told us everything would be okay if we all just injected a little bleach into our bodies. 74 million people voted to keep that guy in power. Sleep tight.
(As ever, git this shit with color n’ links n’ stuff here: http://showercapblog.com/carlson-lindell-chauvin-and-other-bleached-buttholes-of-the-white-nationalist-american-right/)
There’s nothing more fascinating (or surprising) to discover than a Line Too Vile For Even the Post-Trump GOP to Cross. ‘Tis a rare beast, as the last few years have demonstrated, but I guess the Fuck It We’re Just Nazis Now Caucus proposed by Paul “the Mengele of Dentists” Gosar and Marjorie Taylor Guam was an ivory bridge too far, somehow. Ken freakin’ Buck, after everything he’s silently permitted and even vocally supported, said NO THAT SHIT’S TOO RACIST, and like, ok, thanks, but don’t you just want to hand Ken a bright red marker and ask him to draw out precisely where he imagines this line is? That’s a gerrymander, right there; NC-12 ain’t shit.
How much fuckin’ money is there in the pillows-marketed-via-tribal-hatred game, anyway? Don’t get me wrong, Mike Lindell’s ongoing meltdown is the best show on television, (robbed at the Golden Globes, if you ask me) but between funding Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour and his very own laughingstock of a social media network, (kindly refrain from taking my deranged, white supremacist god’s name in vain while you’re inciting violence by spreading fascist disinformation, pleez) there can’t be much cash left in the ol’ MyMattress. Shit, maybe he’s trying to burn through his whole fortune so there’s nothing left for the voting machine companies to take.
COVID-19 damn near pried Ted “Pandemic Denier Because Of Course He Is” Nugent’s flaccid, dusty wee-wee out of his cold, dead hands, that was somethin’. Hey, fuck that guy. Moving on:
You can tell a lot about a political party by the problems it identifies as worth solving. Take us, for example, the Biden-era Democrats: we’re not only finally getting the goddamn pandemic under control, but fighting to reduce racial and economic inequality, modernizing infrastructure and creating jobs doing it, taking on climate change and the gun violence epidemic and oh yeah, working to grant long-overdue congressional representation to the American taxpayers in Washington, D.C.
Meanwhile, in the boiling pits of raw sewage across the aisle, priorities are a wee bit different. Republicans look out upon the nation they’ve failed so disastrously, and say to themselves, “Y’know who gets a raw deal? Folks who drive automobiles into crowds of peaceful protesters, that’s who!” And so, from Oklahoma to Ron “Fascism Sure is Fun When You’re in Charge” DeSantis’ Florida, state-level wingnuts are passing laws granting immunity to people who RUN OVER HUMAN BEINGS WITH THEIR FUCKING CAR, amidst wider crackdowns on First Amendment rights. For those keeping score at home, vehicular homicide should be legal; Black folks voting shouldn’t.
Between this crap and stand-your-ground laws, notice how conservatives keep hollowing out these special situations where (rich, white) people are legally allowed to commit murder? No wonder they’re mad about the Chauvin verdict.
Speaking of...so, the jury in the Derek Chauvin trial swiftly arrived at the only verdict possible when you’ve got a VIDEO RECORDING of the defendant doing exactly what he’s accused of. I mean, and obviously you don’t need me to tell you this, that video is absolutely fucking undeniable. The whole world has seen it. It is a recording of a deeply disturbed man deliberately crushing the life out of a human being and reveling in his power to do so.
We’re so far beyond reasonable doubt here that reasonable doubt seems like an awkward college goth phase where you painted your nails black and pretended to like Sisters of Mercy. Derek Chauvin is precisely the sort of person society needs to be protected from. And there is no sane way to rationalize his behavior.
But lucky us, we share our country with the largest, dumbest, craziest, shittiest cult in human history, so not only did we quickly encounter that insane rationalization, but we got to watch as it spread like wildfire through the right-wing disinformation ecosystem until it was adopted as gospel by all the dutiful drones who don’t even ask for a spoonful of sugar anymore before swallowing their daily allotment of cow excrement.
Near as I can figure it, and bear with me cuz this is real fuckin’ dumb, the idea is that Chauvin was only convicted because the jury was afraid that if they let him off, Maxine Waters would unleash her legions of antifa/BLM MegaNinjaCyberCommandos to wipe whiteness from the face of the earth for all time, leaving nary an Anne Geddes book behind to bear witness.
Got that? Not “indisputable, indeed inescapable proof everyone has seen with their own two fucking eyes,” but “fear of Maxine Waters.”
See, Waters suggested that protesters would need to be “more confrontational” if the system turned out to be okay with agents of the state murdering minorities in cold blood in broad daylight. And the folks who’ve spent the last few years doing everything in their power to support and enable a pants-shitting nitwit game show host who fancied himself a führer as he incited multiple acts of white supremacist terrorism decided it would be fun n’ profitable to pretend Auntie Maxine was calling for violence.
Ridiculous, right? Sure. But remember, we’re already dealing with people that think convicting Chauvin, aka The Murderer in That Murder Video, was a miscarriage of justice. We’re talking about the Brainwash Me Harder Daddy Trumpist Republican base, which has yet to encounter a lie too big to blindly accept.
Is there any better villain for these losers than Maxine Waters, a seriously powerful, ferociously intelligent Black woman who’s hardly shy about putting subpar white boys like Gym Jordan in their place*? You can see ‘em kinda perk up whenever she cycles back into the Two Minutes Hate, can’t you?
In the way pop musicians don’t feel like they’ve truly made it until they’ve earned a “Weird Al” Yankovic parody, no lie is truly Big until Tucker Carlson vomits it out from his contemptible platform. Unsurprisingly, Fish Stix Hitler is all over this one, because, and forgive me for cutting straight to the subtext, he speaks to, and for, an audience that understands exactly what Chauvin did...and likes it. Wants to see more of it. That’s what the most-watched cable “news” show in America is all about, y’see: normalizing violence as a tool to preserve white supremacy**.
Preposterous as all this is, let it never be said these bastards don’t commit to a bit. The very same asshats who riled up the January 6th lynch mob and voted to give in to its demands actually had the gall to attempt to censure Maxine Waters in the House, based on this flimsy crap. This is what Republican politics is now: tacky, nihilistic propaganda theatre designed to keep stupid white folks perpetually misinformed and enraged. What zany fascist antics will Kevin McCarthy’s feral caucus come up with next? Tune in to see if American democracy survives!
Speaking of the great debate of our time (Institutional White Supremacy or Nah?) the battle over voting rights spilled into a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, pitting Foghorn Dipshit, excuse me, “Senator John Kennedy” against Stacey Abrams, GUESS WHO WON? These dolts spend so much time snug within their media bubble, they truly can no longer even comprehend what the real word actually looks like, here outside Rupert Murdoch’s colon.
Semi-Sentient Truck Stop Restroom Wall Vending Machine Condom Rick Scott has begun making little yipping noises about refusing to raise the debt ceiling without dollar-for-dollar spending cuts, because malicious, Medicare-defrauding oligarchs get to take the global economy hostage in this, our healthy, functioning democracy.
The Senate passed a bill designed to combat the recent surge in anti-AAPI hate crimes, 94-1. The lone dissenter was, of course, Josh “Someday My Reich Will Come” Hawley, who now faces an agonizing, years-long wait for the moment he gets to use this vote to call one of his colleagues “race traitor” from a presidential debate stage.
Ron Johnson opposes the “big push” to get everyone vaccinated, finding it “highly suspicious” that folks’re trying to actually end the goddamn pandemic, because the last 13 months have been so fucking delightful, you see. Personally, I believe a U.S. Senator should represent the people of their state, and not the extremely contagious disease killing said people, but then, I am a bleeding heart libtard cuck.
...and a bleeding heart libtard cuck that really needs beer now. Stay safe out there, my friends, keep the vaccines flowing like wine, and be on the lookout, there may just be a new offering from Resistance Comics on the horizon...
* Most assuredly Gymbo’s kink, it turns out.
** I was gonna say “sleep tight,” but I already used that one. I really do hope you're sleeping well, though.
It's Choose Your Own Adventure, America: Infrastructure or White Nationalism? (Ferret)
Holy heck, y’all, since last we met, my right shoulder enjoyed a saucy tryst with dose one of the Pfizer vaccine, which immediately transformed this mild-mannered poo joke blogger into a legit super soldier, sporting exotic powers like Maybe Having a Meal in a Restaurant in a Few Months and My God Possibly Even Attending a Movie This Calendar Year Assuming I Ever Stop Weeping For Joy.
(Get all the links n’ shininess here, as always: http://showercapblog.com/its-choose-your-own-adventure-america-infrastructure-or-white-nationalism/)
Well, to date, the post-presidency of the Deposed Dotard with Diminutive Digits has been...let’s just say I don’t think Jimmy Carter is looking over his shoulder.
I’ve actually created a remarkably accurate tool for forecasting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s pitiful shenanigans, call it Cap’s Law of Loser is as Loser Does (Or “CLLLoD”): to predict Donald Trump’s behavior in a given situation, simply consider the setting, and then ask, “What would the biggest loser in the entire world do?”
So, for example, if I told you, “Donald Trump gave a speech to a crowd of wealthy donors at an RNC event held at his tacky-ass golf resort,” and you applied CLLLoD, you’d say, “Well, I suppose he’d launch into a meandering tirade, full of stupid, embarrassing lies, snarling bigotry, and worn-to-the-nub petty grievances, ultimately serving mostly to advertise the unmanageable insecurities that have made him a serial failure and global laughingstock.”
See? The margin of error is fuckin’ microscopic. I’m awaiting peer review before officially publishing my findings, but locating other drunken, masked/bathrobed bloggers has proven challenging.
(Wee Don saved his biggest, tuffest words for Mitch McConnell, by the way, and I’m sure everyone was impressed at his general Big Tuff Boyness. I’m all for this jag-on-jag warfare, of course; honestly, I’m still holding out hope this ends with those two irredeemable dungbuckets plummeting into some bottomless Disney villain abyss, hands clutched tight around one another’s throats.)
The ongoing downfall of Florida (Congress)Man Matt Gaetz continues to be a fascinating real-time experiment in just how much dignity a human turd can shed whilst circling the drain.
So, last week we learned Matt tried but failed to wrangle a pardon from Hairplug Himmler, right? Well, nowadays the Venmo Kid is so radioactive, so pungently reeking of Eau De You’re Fucked Son, that he can’t even land a MEETING with Boss Shart anymore. This news threatens to burst my schadenfreude-engorged belly, because proximity to Trump was the only thing this putrid scrotum tumor had to offer anyone, meaning he’s in even deeper sh-wait now, what’s this you say? Matt’s wingman, indicted trafficker-of-minors Joel Greenberg, is cooperating with the investigation?
Hooooooooooooooooweeee! When Gaetz finally hits pavement, there won’t be enough of him left to spread on a Wheat Thin.
I suppose Congressman Sex Trafficker can at least take comfort in the fact that his caucus leader lacks the ethical fortitude to so much as remove him from the committee overseeing the very Justice Department currently investigating his monumental loathsomeness. Kevin McCarthy remains the Neville Chamberlain of Nevilles Chamberlain.
Speaking of Republican Congressmen Who Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near Playgrounds, Gym Jordan decided to play Fuck Around and Find Out with Maxine Waters, behavior so obviously hazardous to one’s heath I’m surprised the Surgeon General didn’t tackle him. Now that his Turdlord has been o’erthrown, Gymbo’s ostentatiously indignant gaslighting act seems more pathetic and clownish than ever, just an underdressed man-child rubbing shit in his own hair for reasons that are frankly difficult to grasp. The circus moved on, bro; if you have failed to develop any skill set beyond biting the heads off chickens, that’s on you. And buy a jacket, for Christ’s sake.
Rising MAGA star Kristi Noem says the COVID mass grave that used to be South Dakota before she took over is for WHITES ONLY, and I just hope everyone is prepared for the 2024 GOP presidential primary to be months of the very worst people alive trying to out-racist one another. Y'know, like usual.
Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, and Josh Hawley (quite the Dumbfuck Cerberus...what, was Tommy Tuberville busy?) have a plan to return their hopelessly corrupt congregation of the malicious and mediocre to glory, introducing legislation to fiscally discipline Major League Baseball, (for, you’ll recall, opposing the GOP’s fascist, racist assaults on voting rights) because I guess that’s just how you fill your hours when you’re a “legislator” in a party that’s decided policy is for cucks.
The truth is, all this floundering faux outrage only reveals the naked terror running through the Republican Party these days; the Biden Administration promised shots in arms and money in pockets, and speaking for myself, okay, the money got transformed into beer and comic books more or less immediately, but the way the things were going under the last guy (Orange fellow. Loud, stupid. Mouth not unlike the puckered butthole of a syphilitic walrus.) I wasn’t expecting to get vaccinated for months yet. The American people are pretty fucking pleased with the recent change in management, is what I’m saying.
And now, Joe n’ Kamala n’ Chuck n’ Nancy n’ all their friends in our narrow-but-feisty congressional majority plan to follow up their smash debut American Rescue Plan with the equally popular American Jobs Plan, an infrastructure mega-bill filled with loads of awesome stuff favored by massive bipartisan majorities, but opposed by congressional Republicans, on account of the way they’re essentially entry-level employees in the billionaire class’ collective accounting department and all.
I’m nearly sympathetic, because yeah, politically speaking, it was already a pretty fucking big ask, to return the GOP to power on the memory of their I Honestly Didn’t Know You Could Fuck America Up This Badly in Just Four Years record, and that was before Jonny Ossoff and the Reverend Warnock ushered in the Age of Reconciliation and the accompanying trillions. On the other hand, it SHOULD be hard to defend your trash party’s trash positions, so fuck you, I rescind my sympathy. It was only a literary device anyway, you fucks.
Anyway, these bewildered bastards are trying to figure out some way to make the American public hate a generally likable idea like, “let’s finally modernize our infrastructure and make the filthy rich pay for it.” It’s a fairly shitty thing to want to do, so I feel absolutely no guilt in laughing as their Wile E. Coyote scheme to undermine the Biden agenda goes through its entirely predictable life cycle.
“What even IS infrastructure, maaaaaaaaaan?” they feebly whined, hoping to ignite coast-to-coast outrage by furiously nitpicking over classification or terminology or...hey, don’t look at me, it wasn’t my fuckin’ plan.
“Biden’s so-called ‘infrastructure’ proposal,” shrieked Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn, waving her sternest finger quotes, “includes $400 billion for ELDER CARE of all things,” as though “elder care” is Appalachian slang for “letting an elk shit directly into your mouth.” What is your play here, Marsha, beyond Helpfully Drawing the Public’s Attention to an Underreported Aspect of Our Kickass Bill?
Heck, the best McConnell himself could muster was the petulant instance that “no one voted for” Biden’s agenda, and I mean, he’s only 81,282,916 votes off. Bless his dark, obstructionist heart, Yertle’s really only got that one trick.
They’re trying SO HARD to recreate the Emperor of Hemorrhoids’ culture-war-inside-a-tent-revival atmosphere, but they lack the manic energy to pull it off; if Wee Donnie One-Term wanted to earn an honest buck for the first time in his abominable life, the truth is, the Senate GOP would pay handsomely for a solid series of gaslighting seminars. As it is, they come off as ridiculous old men, bellowing nonsense and thrashing about gawkily, like Peter Cetera covering Black Flag.
“Sure, we capped a year of murderous bungling (half a million graves and counting, bay-bee) by inciting a Nazi lynch mob to attempt the violent overthrow of the federal government, and our successors are restoring hope and normalcy and prosperity faster than anyone imagined was possible, but which party is torturing transgender children, I ask you that?” That’s the pitch.
And it would be a laughable pitch, were it not for the stakes. All the eggs are in the deplorables basket now. “If you want health care or economic growth or even just simple, basic competence from your government, so be it, vote Democrat, you won’t find any of that crap here...but if you’re so warped by hate and fear that you’d just as soon burn the whole thing down in order to rule the ashes, HAVE I GOT A POLITICAL PARTY FOR YOU.”
Tucker Carlson recently started slinging the jargon of the “great replacement” theory, which everyone quickly agreed is precisely the sort of thing white nationalists say. Now, I don’t have a lot of illusions left to shatter, but I thought maybe dispensing actual white supremacist propaganda on cable’s most-watched show would finally be the line even Fux was too decent to cross.
But no, Lachlan Murdoch let the world know Fish Stix Hitler has his full support, insisting to the ADL, yes, to the frickin’ Anti-Defamation League, with reptilian courtesy, that Liar Tuck’s endorsement was in fact a condemnation, which surely made Orwell’s ghost spasm and twitch. That Lachlan sees political and financial benefit in platforming the ideology of genocide is, at the risk of editorializing, a phenomenally shitty thing.
Shittier still is hearing the same poison vomited up during a subcommittee hearing, by a sitting U.S. Congressman, but then, Pennsylvania’s Scott Perry has been a fairly reliable hategeyser since swapping out his old Freedumb Caucus crazy pants for those shiny new robes. Naturally, Ron “the Shame of Wisconsin” Johnson wants in on this Nazi shit too, because wherever Nazi shit is to be found, RoJo wants in on it. It’s his “thing.”
And now, fashy dentist Paul Gosar is teaming up with Marjorie Taylor Guam to launch a bonafide Brownshirt Caucus within the House GOP, squealing about the need to Make Architecture White Again, which presumably means constructing all new buildings out of the copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Gosar cranks out by hand in his basement during his week-long meth benders.
In announcing new sanctions on Russia, (sorry Vlad, Daddy’s home) the Biden Administration revealed that pardoned traitor Paul Manafort was indeed involved in a scheme to use a Konstantin-Kilimnik-shaped pipeline to funnel secret Trump campaign information directly to Russian Intelligence Services, the better to target their efforts to interfere in our election and install Putin’s personal pet in the White House.
And we just...let that guy be President for four entire years. Cool. Hey Republicans, if you ever find yourselves wondering how y’all alienated every American voter who isn’t a Klansman or a drooling, conspiracy-addled fuckwit, maybe the Koch family owns some sort of mirror factory, you perfidious shitworms.
Shoutout to the fetid wad of treason and loserstech that stormed the U.S Capitol 100 short days ago, on their very first plea-bargainin‘, flippity-flippin’, manly-militia-man-turned-cooperating-witness: founding Oath Keeper Jon Ryan Schaffer! I won’t claim to be an expert, but I guess the “oath” in question must not cover immediately selling your deadbeat terrorist buddies out ten seconds after Captain Consequences knocks on your door. “Oath Keepers.” Sure, Jan.
And even as the pandemic recedes, the older American plagues of mass shootings and police violence surge anew. It’s a battle every damn day, making this country live up to its promises. It’s been nice lately, putting some points on the board for a change, but the work remains...
...so grab some rest (rest meaning beer) this weekend so you’re up for it! Stay safe out there, Shower Captives, the finish line is finally in sight!
PS - Aw, Roger Stone thought he was all safe n’ pardoned, but it appears his troubles are just beginning, how sad...
Don't Worry, Congressman Gaetz, You'll Hit Rock Bottom at Some Point. Surely. (F/SC)
They laughed at Warren G. Harding, but he was light years ahead of his time with that return to normalcy shit. Returning to normalcy is pretty fucking great, in my opinion. The more normalcy I return to, the more I like it. Lately, I find I have even less tolerance for the fuckery we document here in this blog, it’s like...quit messing up my return to normalcy, you asswipes.
(You know this, but get this blog, in color and riddled with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/dont-worry-congressman-gaetz-youll-hit-rock-bottom-at-some-point-surely/)
Boy, Republicans do not have the first fucking idea what to do about all this corporate pushback against their fascist assault on voting rights, do they? The only thing they know how to do anymore is lash out in anger, but you don’t get a key to a GOP cloakroom without conditioning yourself to instantaneously submit to the slightest shifting whim of the Hand That Feeds You, so all this is real confusing for the poor little tykes, y’know?
Seriously, it’s about time for somebody to call Elaine Chao to come get her husband; you know Mitch, if he can’t get what he wants by abusing arcane parliamentary procedure, he gets all flustered n’ fussy; he’s one self-aggrandizing Rand Paul filibuster away from wandering onto the Senate floor in a poorly-tied bathrobe, mumbling to himself about the fifteen bucks Daniel Moynihan still owes him. Pro tip, Yertle: if you can’t finish a threat without begging the threatenee for money, best not to bother.
As limp and embarrassing as the whole sordid show has been, we should still make note that Republican officials no longer even hesitate before threatening to bring the full unholy fury of the state down upon the heads of uppity private sector dissenters, and like, I know I come off like a broken record sometimes, but this is yet another Thing Republicans Do That’s Indistinguishable From What Fascists Do.
Another Trump-administered lesson in authoritarianism swiftly internalized by the entire GOP is that when it comes to their credulous, grievance-crazed base, there is simply no limit to the power to fool some of the people all of the time. New polling shows alarming numbers of Republicans blindly believe every dumb, crazy lie the Velveeta Vulgarian and his enablers told about the 2020 election, because gaslighting and victimhood are two whiny wingnut tastes that taste great together.
So it shouldn’t really surprise anyone that the official messaging around these voter suppression laws (seamlessly harmonized between elected Republicans and the right-wing media, as is typical in this, our intensely healthy democracy) has been to simply straight-up fucking lie about the content of the bills, and then defend the horseshit misrepresentation with the sanctimonious fury of a forgotten sitcom actor doing Atticus Finch on the dinner theatre circuit.
For example, when Major League Baseball announced Denver as the new host for this year’s All-Star Game, following its withdrawal from Atlanta, (over the legal enshrinement of white supremacy thing, in case that slipped anyone’s mind) the entire right-wing jagoffosphere howled in perfect unison COLORADO’S VOTING LAWS ARE STRICTER THAN GEORGIA’S, which of course isn’t anywhere close to true; in fact, that’s a claim so ridiculous that once upon a time, they would’ve shipped you out to a farm in the country to run around with Dan Quayle for making it, but nowadays, well, the bigger the lie the better, and indeed, at this very moment, some long-lost cousin or classmate or co-worker of yours is engaged in a ferocious Facebook debate, and he is infuriatingly unshakeable in his belief that voting laws are stricter in Colorado than in Georgia. Because that’s just how stuff works now. Wheeeeee.
That poll was really something. 64% of these rubes believe the Tooth Fairy is real, of whom 91% say she’s a filthy socialist who should be strung up in front of the Capitol alongside former Vice President Mike Pants, who has a book coming out, apparently, in case you’re curious about the lies a spineless wannabe theocrat tells himself to justify his own prominent role in the creation of the violent anti-democracy movement that ultimately attempted to murder him. I’ll wait for the movie.
Anyway, yeah, conservatives have declared war on both Coke and baseball, so I figure we’re about six weeks away from some sort of manic, Roger Corman-esque, nationwide bald eagle hunt.
Still, after failed boycotts of Starbucks and Netflix and Nike and Keurig and...well, basically everything except shag carpeting woven from Mike Lindell’s back hair, nobody’s willing to offer up so much as a courtesy shiver in the face of this latest promise of righteous economic wrath. It took what, two whole days from Sultan Spraytan’s Churchillian call to arms before he got caught consorting with the enemy? Yeah, I can’t figure out why those North Korea negotiations never went anywhere, can you?
Hey, you might not want to finish this sentence without first procuring access to a fainting couch, but it appears as though the Trump campaign ripped off their own supporters! I know, right? Who could’ve imagined the guy who extorted a piss ransom from the people tasked with risking their lives to protect his would stoop so low as to deceive his most faithful followers into unknowingly committing to weekly recurring donations until their bank accounts were (in the middle of a pandemic/economic crisis, so what, quitcher bitchin’ ya filthy takers) bled completely dry? Who indeed, except, y’know...literally everyone?
Honestly, HOW ARE YOU STILL FALLING FOR THIS SHIT? I’m really asking, and you’re invited to respond in the comments; please post your SSN, along with any account and/or routing numbers you may have, or I won’t be able to follow up.
No sooner did news of this massive, $64.3 million fraud break than the NRCC went, “Public shaming? How are we not using that one already, that’s Extracting Money From a Cult of Dumbasses 101!” So now when you make a donation, you either sign up for regular tithing, or they declare you a “DEFECTOR” and you go on a list that gets sent to Marm-a-Lago and then some random night Weehands McNodick himself breaks into your house to steal your pork rinds and hit on your daughters.
I see Greg Gutfeld ushered in a bold new era of conservative comedy, bringing his trademark What if an Impacted Toenail Had Opinions About Cancel Culture act to a new show on Fux, where he forces his interns to chuckle nervously while he monologues like a drunken Klan Dragon.
Meanwhile, on the very same cable channel, Tucker Carlson inches ever closer to simply reading Mein Kampf aloud from a rocking chair next to a fireplace. The language of “white replacement” felt chilling enough, screeched by tiki-torch-wielding incels in Charlottesville; seeing it piped into millions of American living rooms, on the lips of wolves dressed as the trusted newsmen of generations past...can’t say I’m a fan, friends.
Because a GOP official in Texas just got caught trying organize, in his own words, a “brigade,” an “army” to invade minority neighborhoods in Houston in order to...”monitor elections,” and if there’s anything useful about pretending this dude wasn’t calling for meticulously coordinated violence targeting non-white voters, I don’t fucking see what it might be.
But lose ye not hope, my friends, for though the enemy is black of heart, he is dull of mind. Normally you have to get into a sword fight with Graham Chapman to experience the sort of self-inflicted humiliation Steve Doocy earns by repeatedly insisting upon matching wits with Jen Psaki, but bless his heart, he shows no signs of letting up. (Hey Fox, if you’re looking to put some actual comedy in Gutfeld’s slot, I’ve got an idea.)
Somehow, this week was even worse for Matt Gaetz than last week, which is not only thoroughly hilarious but also quite nourishing, for our justice-starved nation. However, I confess I fear that if we continue on this trajectory for even a few days more, the degree to which the Congresscreep from the Florida 1st is fucked may progress beyond the capacity of the human mind to comprehend. This kid is fucked on a cosmic scale, folks. There are whole Greek myths about dudes suffering eternally in Hades who aren’t as fucked as Matt Gaetz.
I think we’ve all learned more than we cared to about Matt’s sewage-gargling chum, Joel Greenberg, who has turned out to be...well, more or less exactly what you’d expect from someone willing to socialize with Matt Gaetz, which is to say the Mildred Call the Police That Strange Man Is Leering Near the Playground Again type of fellow.
Anyhow, Joel, indicted on 33 total charges and no doubt hoping to reclaim at least some small corner of his scrotum from the vice on Johnny Law’s desk, seems positively giddy to strike a plea bargain, prompting his lawyer to publicly speculate Gaetz "is not feeling very comfortable today,” a reasonable enough assessment of the mental state of an ambitious young pusbucket who mere months ago flew on Air Force One at the President’s request, but now finds himself under federal investigation in a sex-trafficking scandal.
That assessment only got reasonabler when news broke of the extremely public trail of Venmo transactions Gaetz and Greenberg helpfully left for investigators, and Matt’s legal troubles hardly stop there. Allies have abandoned him, and now he faces a shiny new ethics investigation in Congress. As I said, Sisyphus ain’t got shit on this kid.
Seems during the And Fall days of the Turd Reich, young Mattward nervously inquired of the Shart House, “say, y’all wouldn’t happen to have any preemptive blanket pardons lying around, wouldja?” Alas, whereas other prominent dingleberries orbiting the Adderall-Addled Assclown, your Roger Stones and your Duncan Hunters, had the good sense to get convicted before Sheriff Biden rode back into town, Gaetz’s woes didn’t surface until Hairplug Himmler’s authority to pervert justice had been reduced once more to petty golf course fraud.
Bad timing, bro. Sucks to be you. If it makes you feel any better, watching it happen to you is absolutely fucking stupendous.
We learned the kakistocrat cronies Shart Garfunkel installed at HHS (remember Michael Caputo?) gleefully celebrated their successful attempts to corrupt and distort the CDC’s scientific findings relating to the coronavirus outbreak, which, yes, amounts to dancing on the mass graves dug in the doomed, damned quest to extend an idiot tyrant’s mad reign. Y’know, history already taught us that fascists will happily send hundreds of thousands to the slaughter if it means one more day in power, but I guess 21st century America needed that lesson the hard way.
On that merry note, I’ll leave you to your weekend. Hey, if you missed the Kickstarters for my first two comics, check showercapblog.com, you can get hooked up right now! Get vaccinated, buy comics, and stay safe out there, Resisters!
I'm Sorry, the Line For the Matt Gaetz Dunk Tank Forms 674 Miles Down the Road (F/SC)
The news cycle continues its slowdown, and though these quieter days take some getting used to, the change is mostly welcome. Even so, it turns out that a focused, contained return to the batshittiest Trump-era scandal levels can be tolerable, even pleasant, at least in the context of God’s own holy wrath coming down on the head of one of the very worst people alive.
(Git it, with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/im-sorry-the-line-for-the-matt-gaetz-dunk-tank-forms-674-miles-down-the-road/)
Look out Washington, cuz Major Biden is hardly the only member of his household running wild these days. There’s still cake in the fridge from the We Passed a $1.9 Trillion Stimulus Bill and Made Mitch McConnell Watch party, and Smilin’ Joe’s already pushing for a couple trillion more in infrastructure spending. Why? Maybe, as some speculate, he’s angling for an FDR-worthy legacy. Maybe he’s trying to do as much good as he can before his honeymoon period runs out. Maybe he just wants more cake.
Whatever the case may be, Yertle’s all flustered and colicky; don’t Dems understand they’re supposed to obediently abandon their agenda and their mandate to his famed legislative graveyard? Instead, he’s watching Majority Leader Schumer rifle through the sofa cushions in search of extra reconciliation tokens...shit, how’s an inept death cult supposed to regain political power if the opposition keeps improving folks’ lives? It’s not fair!
Joe’s infrastructure plan actually gets more popular when people find out rich folks’re paying for it. And the plutocrat class was already trembling at the popularity of Democrats’ For the People Act, even among Republican voters; I swear, it gets harder to buy a government all the time.
While Biden works and wins, his predecessor appears to be on some sort of epic quest to journey beyond the reach of subjectivity and get the Guinness World Records people to proclaim him History’s Biggest and Biggest Imaginable Loser. Now, I enjoy Fat Q*bert’s humiliation as much as the next patriotic American, but watching a dude who was President of the United States just three short months ago shuffle around his tacky-ass golf resort, like an escaped hospital patient, gown swinging wide open, looking for weddings to crash so he can blubber his way through his latest laundry list of grievances...I mean, if all the losers from every Tom Waits song and Robert Altman film and Sam Shepard play congealed into one giant mega-loser in order to battle it out for loser primacy, I still think Donnie gets the first-round KO. He’s a wonder of loser science; such extreme loserdom surely defies the laws of physics.
And he’s nowhere near finished failing, of course. The New York attorney general’s office seems to be closing in on Allen Weisselberg, aka The Guy Who Knows Where the Bodies Are Buried and a federal judge invalidated his campaign’s heavy-handed non-disclosure agreements and Summer Zervos’ defamation suit cleared another procedural hurdle and even the coupons for free hugs he got Don Jr. for his 21st birthday have been declared illegitimate and void.
The Arkansas GOP passed a legislative hate crime targeting the state’s transgender residents, because voting Republican is mostly about wanting a government that hurts your neighbors for being different. I confess I’m tired of all this fear-driven regressive spite; you’ve had your Nazi lynch mob and your mass pandemic graveyards, can you truly find no better use for your time (or your power) than to torment the survivors of your malicious malpractice?
Before gettin’ to the good stuff, everyone here at Shower Cap’s Blog would like to extend our heartfelt gratitude to Congressman Matt Gaetz, who not only delivered much-needed blog fodder to an otherwise (blissfully) slow news week, but granted the weary, schadenfreude-starved American left the glorious spectacle of one of Trumpism’s archbishops melting down before our eyes into a puddle of filth, reeking of sulfur and the vile ambition of the cruel and petty.
The day started promisingly for Gaetz, actually, amidst leaked rumors that he was contemplating leaving boring ol’ Congress behind to pursue fame and fortune with the disinformation-spewing fascist factory men call “Newsmax,” like a shittier Jim DeMint*, prompting a great deal of chin-stroking about the precise location of the center of power within the throbbing mass of shrieking buttholes that is the Republican Party of 2021.
Shit like that is like crack to an attention whore like Gaetz, but the high was not to last, alas.
For ordinary mortals, a gigantic, late-breaking news story containing your name alongside words like “trafficking” and “17-year-old” would surely constitute the low point of, at the very least, your day, but our Matthew is a true once-in-a-generation scumbag, and he was just getting warmed up.
Gaetz knew he needed a softball interview, STAT, and so he called up Tucker Carlson, because that’s just whatcha do when you’re an American Nazi in search of a safe space. Now, Liar Tuck has helped many a wingnut jagoff disseminate their horseshit spin, but young Mattward was on a mission to make Sam Nunberg look like Droopy. Panicked and desperate, he attempted to lash himself to Carlson like an anchor**, proclaiming the two of them Best Sex Crimez Buddies 4Ever, earning a speedy defenestration from the only media figure extreme enough to even consider helping him.
Because no sooner had the scandal broken than every Republican in Washington called up their favorite access journalist to issue the same We Aways Knew That Gaetz Boy Was No Good statement. When you think of all the shit those cowardly doormats excused and enabled over the last few years, it’s sort of staggering to contemplate what sort of massive asshole you’d have to be to merit such instant, unanimous excommunication.
Outside of Gym Jordan’s mumbled, half-assed “Matt Gaetz is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life,” his lone congressional defender is our old friend Marjorie Taylor Guam, and she’s only looking for something, ANYTHING, to piggyback on to get some of that sweet, sweet attention she no longer commands since the media moved on from her sad little geek show. Point is, the assemble-the-team montage isn’t going well for Rep. Florida Man.
Anyway, he belches up this zany-ass, Elmore-Leonard-meets-Carter-Page story about extortion and hostages and all kindsa weird shit, which, amazingly, seems to be at least partially true? Problem is, the whole reason he’s being extorted is that he’s under investigation for some extremely major, extremely disturbing crimes. It’s a bit of an ethical sticky wicket, I admit, but I imagine most folks’d side with the blackmailers here.
I mean, maybe this all turns out to be more innocent than it looks. I guess. Maybe. Somehow. Buuuuuut what it looks like right now is a sitting U.S. Congressman hanging around with a sex-trafficking scatbucket and paying to commit sex acts with minors.
Can’t wait to see what the future holds for ya, Congressman!
Now that we’re actually fighting the pandemic instead of letting it run wild in the name of placating one broken old man’s fragile ego, our successes have led to an All-New, All-Stupid front in the culture war, because that’s just how shit works in a “culture” imbecilic enough to elevate frat house dumpster babies like Matt Frickin’ Gaetz to the highest halls of power.
I’m speaking, of course, about the right-wing freakout over vaccine passports. See, we’ll need a passport system going forward, so that those us with brains and consciences and such can safely gather in crowds without the freedumb crew ruining everything by letting Covid-19 tag along as their uninvited plus-one. You creeps are perfectly free to stick with your Immunization is For Cucks conniption; just understand that doing so means that sporting events, concerts, indoor dining, and the like are equally For Cucks. We, the responsible majority, have been prisoners of your reckless selfishness for a goddamn year and change; you are most definitely not invited to join in our reindeer games now that we’ve finally fought our way free of your fuckery.
Of course, to a Republican, nothing is more important than preserving the rights of egomaniacal crotchtumors to inflict harm upon strangers, so now we actually have to have a giant political squabble over what really ought to be an entirely non-controversial public health measure, but since objective reality has been partisan for quite a while now, are we even allowed to complain about this crap anymore? I vote yes.
Obviously, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is on board with this insanity; he’s sided with the damn virus so consistently I assume it’ll be his running mate come 2024. And naturally, all the predictable persecution junkies are whinging about Nazi Germany and “Biden’s mark of the beast” and “corporate communism;” you’ve gotta expect that sort of thing when a major political party starts conducting their candidate recruitment in meth dens.
I don’t understand why we need a passport anyway, can’t we just scan the microchip Bill Gates painstakingly inserts, by hand, into every single dose?
Georgia Republicans, facing corporate pushback for their recent authoritarian/white supremacist assault on voting rights, swiftly turned vindictive, with their state House majority voting to repeal a significant tax break for Delta, one of the state’s largest employers, following a critical memo issued by CEO Ed Bastian. That’s open warfare on their own economy, in the name of vengeance for dissenting speech, if anyone still imagines these goose-stepping bastards are just fucking around.
Now that Major League Baseball has pulled the 2021 All-Star Game from Atlanta, I guess we’ll see how many billions these thugs are willing to piss away in the name of adding a few extra spasms to the death throes of institutionalized whites-only rule. Personally, I get strong “better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven” vibes off Brian Kemp and his giddy minoritarian cronies, so I’m not optimistic.
In fact, Jim Crow fever is sweeping through MAGA nation, alongside all the usual pre-existing conservative conditions, (racism, Covid, brain-eating maggots, etc.) with over 350 bills designed to curb stomp voting rights introduced throughout the country.
Texas Republicans are tripping over themselves to rush their own Silly 21st Century Electorate, Voting is for White People law onto the books, generating their very own corporate condemnation/totalitarian retaliation threat cycle; I imagine this’ll become a familiar ritual as the country works through this whole Fascism or Nah phase.
In their defense, if you were tasked with re-electing the murderously incompetent Abbott/Patrick regime, to say nothing of Ted “Already the Most Punchable Man Alive Before Fleeing to Cancún While His Constituents Froze to Death” Cruz, you wouldn’t want the citizenry weighing in either.
Another day, another attack on the U.S. Capitol, another Capitol Police officer slain in the line of duty, with one more injured for good measure. Don’t normalize any of this shit, folks, no matter how often it happens.
That’s about all I can stand for one week, friends. May the Vaccine Fairy visit you and all your loved ones as soon as possible. Until then, I leave you in the capable hands of (trust me) John Boehner.
*One of the least pleasant revelations of the last few years has been that there are indeed people who are observably, inarguably shittier than Jim DeMint.
**An anchor that pays for sex
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