TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalMummy, the Indictment Fairy Came BACK! (Ferret)
Boy, nothing enrages the shittiest people alive quite like Donald Trump getting indicted. HEY, YOU CAN’T ARREST THAT GAME SHOW HOST, I WAS WORSHIPPING THAT GUY! They want to insurrect again so badly, only they’re afraid they’d fuck it up like the last one. And they would, of course. They’re idiots.
(Always makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/mummy-the-indictment-fairy-came-back/)
Lookit Mark Levin. Like a cyst about to burst. Because Donald Trump wasn’t allowed to steal national defense secrets. I think Clay Higgins needs a wellness check, by the way. I believe I saw Andy Biggs digging a trench.
Yes, despite the best efforts of the pool boy, Donnie One-Term made history as the first former President to face federal charges, because he stole a bunch of classified shit and refused to give it back, which is against the law for all sorts of good reasons.
37 counts in all. Violations of the Espionage Act. Conspiracy to obstruct justice. 31 counts of willful retention of national defense information. These are not small crimes.
Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but stealing is still illegal. You know how you’re not allowed to take gum from the grocery store? It might be helpful to think of nuclear secrets as really special, important gum.
They obtained a warrant, and raided his house, where they found a bunch of stolen documents. They obtained his former lawyer’s notes through the crime-fraud exception to attorney-client privilege. They’ve got testimony from everybody from Meadows to the Mar-a-Lago Secret Service detail.
The closest thing he had to a defense was pretending to believe he had the power to declassify stuff with his mind, (well, he did pass that one cognitive test) but it turns out there’s even a recording of the doofus trying to impress people with his rad classified document collection.
All I’m saying is, for a deep state hoax perpetrated to distract the public from Hunter Biden’s plot to fill all the furry kid litter boxes with rainbow fentanyl, they certainly did their homework.
Walt Nauta, the Dotard’s adorable teen sidekick, got indicted, too, for conspiracy to obstruct justice. Which, yeah, is about what you’d think would happen when you conceal subpoenaed documents from the government and lie about it.
Oh, and couple more lawyers quit. Which opens up some intriguing possibilities. MAH GOD, THAT’S RUDY GIULIANI’S MUSIC!
Now, if I were looking to pry my political party from the suicidal clutches of a loser death cult, this would seem like a golden opportunity to finally stand tall, and proclaim, in clear, ringing tones, “Perhaps the fellow who commits crimes all the time shouldn’t be in charge,” but the GOP only has the one spine to pass around, and Willard’s hogging it.
Ken Buck’s right, though, when he says all this law enforcement gives Trump “credibility” with the fash-curious Republican base. Yes, Ken, your party rewards crime and lionizes criminals. Your mom must be proud.
Can you dorks just take the fucking off-ramp? At long last?
No, somehow the consensus remains that only the mob-inciting sex criminal who stole “information regarding defense and weapons capabilities of both the US and foreign countries, US nuclear programs, potential vulnerabilities of the US and its allies to military attack” will do. As President of the United States.
And y’know what? I disagree. I’m leaning Biden. (Gonna give Cornel West a hard look, though, or maybe No Labels, because I’m a FUCKING MORON.)
Anyway, there’s still Fani Willis to hear from yet. Plus Jack Smith’s investigation into January 6th, which has progressed to the point where investigators are willing to risk physical proximity to Steve Bannon, a step few take lightly.
Kevin McCarthy not only fucked up a procedural rules vote that hasn’t been fucked up in more than twenty years, but in the process of fucking it up, managed to lose control of the House floor to eleven colicky Freedom Caucusers. Gave up, cancelled votes for the week, went home. Right now, Chip Roy is swinging from a chandelier, while Matt Gaetz rubs his butt on all the desks.
Kevin covered himself in all this glory, by the way, over a trolly messaging bill destined to be laughed out of the Senate, granting full citizenship rights to gas stoves or some shit. What this means for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s bill mandating clearly defined and labeled genitalia on all Potato Head products is anybody’s guess.
Just prior to this debacle, McCarthy’s old colleague Mick Mulvaney published a column titled “Is Kevin McCarthy just really that good at his job?” Well. Asked and answered.
An indeterminate number of stale marshmallow Peeps officially entered the Republican presidential primary this week. Pence managed to get through a town hall without anybody building a gallows, so he’s surpassing expectations. The fantasy of Chris Christie as some sort of tragically heroic suicide bomber persists. And did you know that North Dakota has its very own governor?
Elsewhere in the field, Nikki Haley promised not to execute women who have abortions. RINO.
Meanwhile, Ron DeSantis is still cruising to victory…inside Rich Lowry’s head, anyway. Ron actually had his best week in months, primarily because he failed to draw much attention to himself, beyond defending his opponent’s many crimes, and sharing “apparent AI-generated fake images of Trump and Fauci” on Twitter. Impressive man.
Oh, and he’s already pissed 16.7 million taxpayer dollars away on legal fees related to his various culture war shitfits, with no end in sight. Well, you can’t argue with the results.
Congratulations, Alabama, your congressional gerrymander was too racist for John Roberts. That’s like the Mendoza Line for institutional white supremacy, by the way. Remember when Jeff Sessions was too racist to be a judge? And then Alabama elected him to the Senate for decades? Yeah, that’s why we need a Voting Rights Act, John.
Clarence Thomas needs more time to finish his homework assignment, America. When an oligarch finances so much of your extravagant lifestyle, you can’t be expected to total up the receipts overnight, can you? Plus, a bunch of stuff is technically on loan from Harlan’s private Hitler collection.
The feminized liberal nanny state says smoke inhalation is bad for you, but thanks to my ivermectin-fortified constitution and the Manhood™️ bestowed upon me by the certificate of completion at the end of Josh Hawley’s book, I understand my God-given right to fill my lungs with ash. I march tomorrow, under General Pirro, into battle ‘gainst the invading Canadian air. Courage, mom.
Apparently, one of Jim Jordan’s FBI “whistleblowers” was suspended for leaking sensitive information to Project Veritas. I’m sure this “one-eyed mole” that’s got Jesse Watters and Anna Paulina Luna all hot n’ bothered is totally legit, though.
Tucker Carlson spared no expense for his big return to the right-wing rage-o-sphere, poaching the set designer from the fanciest community theatre in town, you know, Jody, who does all the Neil Simon shows at the high school. Definitely not Marty, that pretentious hack who butchered Fiddler at theatre in the park last summer.
Take some pride in your work, man. You’re embarrassing your partners in Russian state media.
Ah, but now Fox says Tucker breached his contract! Enough foreplay, rip each other to bits, you evil fucks. Tucker n’ Elon vs. the Murdochs, for the rotten hearts and rigorously laundered minds of the most bilkable rubes that e’er drew breath. Gonna be one uuuuuuuuuugly little fight.
I’m all for it. I am the wingnut circular firing squad’s hottest cheerleader. Bannon and MTG are feuding? What a marvelous idea. Everybody take sides and start making bomb threats.
A DNA test cleared professional wrestler “Sweet” Stan Lane of the slanderous allegation that his genetic material was responsible for Lauren Boebert’s defective brain. Lane expressed relief that his restored reputation could once again rest on all the terrible, terrible things he used to do to Ricky Morton.
I see the journalist-dismembering House of Saud bought golf. I feel like Paddy Chayefsky would have something to say about that.
Kari Lake released a “protest song” called 81 Million Votes, My Ass, easily the carniest act yet of her carnier-all-the-time decline period. I just bought a ticket to the parking lot behind CPAC 2028 so I can watch Kari bite the heads off chickens.
I bet Chris Licht winds up on the same Trivial Pursuit card as Liz Truss. I bet he cancels his Atlantic subscription, too.
Turns out George Santos’ lawyer was at the Capitol Riot, but only for networking purposes. Maybe he can represent the guy who attacked cops with bug spray.
…or the guy from my all-time favorite sketch comedy show? Goddammit, someone whose work has delighted me for years joined a terrorist mob. Boy, that is fucking disheartening.
I gotta get offline before I find out one of my beloved high school English teachers turned into a Proud Boy den mother. Fuck. I require several beers. You stay safe out there, friends. Gonna be a wild ride.
Joe's Gonna Start Complaining About the Lack of Competition (Ferret)
Say, for such a young feller, this Biden kid’s got some chops.
(You know the drill: https://showercapblog.com/joes-gonna-start-complaining-about-the-lack-of-competition/)
Yet another too-good-for-Fox-to-spin jobs report, on top of the nobody-gloat-till-the-vote-closes fleecing of poor Keville Chamberlain. Hey, House Republicans, if you’re wondering where Joe’s pants are, check a couple inches north of the boot up your ass.
It’s never fun, making concessions to the Republican Party, but the debt ceiling kerfuffle was quick and relatively painless, and anything that makes Chip Roy this mad is okay with me.
This was the best Chip Roy shitfit yet, because you got to watch him figure out, in real time, that he never actually had the power he was promised. Yeah, Chip, Biden did roll McCarthy, but McCarthy rolled YOU.
Kevin seemed quite pleased with his fistful of shiny beads, though. Anything that takes less than fifteen tries goes on the fridge at the McCarthy household. Man, the rest of the caucus did all that reading for nuthin’.
Apparently, Jack Smith has a recording of the Dotard admitting he doesn’t have the magical declassifying powers he invented for himself upon getting caught with stolen nuclear secrets. And that’s a tidy little piece of evidence, if a touch unnecessary.
“My client holds a deep, profoundly sincere belief in these imaginary powers, Your Honor.”
“Yes, well. They remain nonexistent. Got anything to say about any real laws?”
“I do not.”
“Ok, then.”
Also, the document discussed in the recording is still missing. Nothing super important, just plans for war with Iran. Maybe he’s holding onto it as part of some revenge scheme targeting Milley. Maybe he sold it to the highest bidder. Maybe he drew a hamburger on it and ate it.
Wouldja believe turmoil has arisen within the fetid tangle of bottom-feeding grifters that comprise Donnie One-Term’s “legal team?” Infighting, even. Perhaps they are not, as I once envisioned, a somber assemblage of top-tier legal minds, united by noble purpose. Perhaps they are hogs, battling for spots at the trough before the NFT money runs dry.
In honor of Pride Month, the woke mind virus paraded its freshly assimilated corporate drone: Chick-fil-A! Look, Real Americans, you’re simply not calling in enough bomb threats to Target. Major League Baseball now requires teams to hold on-field grooming festivals during the seventh inning stretch because YOU let your bomb threat game get soft! Do you sheeple even WANT a country?
If Ron DeSantis truly hopes to get elected President, at a certain point, he’s going to need to figure out how to at least approximate human behavior. I can’t be the only one who sees a self-loathing Conehead who’s had extensive cosmetic surgery.
He even bullies the press awkwardly. He’s aiming for “macho MAGA strongman,” but hitting “bratty libertarian dweeb.”
The sloppy doofus can’t even decide how to pronounce his own name. Not quite done focus testing it with Proud Boys and Three Percenters, y’see. “Which way sounds more foreign?” “Would you be more likely to kidnap a Governor Duh-Santis or a Governor DEE-Santis?”
I’d like to thank Rich Lowry, for immediately delivering on that running gag I predicted last week. Lowry is Ron’s own personal H.A. Goodman, which is suitably embarrassing, I think.
Anyway, DiSappointus is a wad of gum rapidly losing flavor, destined for the underside of the Starbucks counter of history, so forget him, forget, if you’re able, the unsettling echo of his inhuman laughter; the new n’ improved savior of traditional, apple-pie-and-warning-labels-on-rap-cds conservatism is none other than…Chris Christie!
Don’t laugh. Please clap.
“He’s a fighter! Why, Chris Christie once slew seven Marco Rubios with one blow! He’ll meet Trump down in the pig shit and he’ll wave his hands and do the Rubio trick and the high priesthood of the death cult will pass to him!”
(What actually happens is, at the first debate, Christie spends 45 minutes trying to muscle in some workshopped one-liner, at which point the reality television host backhands him with a fat joke straight off the third grade playground, and the feral audience goes apeshit, then a couple of ‘em jump Christie in the parking lot afterwards. Spoilers.)
Riding a wave a Pencementum on the news that he won’t be charged for mishandling classified documents unlike some people we could mention, Mother’s Little Man announced the announcement of his own presidential campaign, wherein he will attempt to gain the support of an electorate that once sought his public execution.
Nobody seems to’ve bothered to prepare a Mike Pence will save us! think piece for the occasion, because why would you? Somebody actually signed their name to a column titled Why I believe RFK Jr. will be the 2024 Democratic nominee, which is more favorable overage than Pence could muster.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I simply cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
I confess, I didn’t know there were so many Texas Republicans in the deep state until they impeached Ken Paxton. Hey, if these creeps want to rip into one another over a turd like Paxton, I say proceed. Feels a little Bakhmut-y to me, but I suppose that’s not the worst thing, under the circumstances.
Actually, we may be entering a golden age of wingnut circular firing squads. Project Veritas is suing James O’Keefe, for example. May their struggle be long and financially burdensome. Why, even the white nationalist terror orgs can’t seem to get along anymore.
I see Kayleigh McEnany got flash-excommunicated this week. I imagine that is a sobering experience. One day you’re directing the hate mob, the next, you’re the target. Well, this is why we don’t join authoritarian movements, Kayleigh.
The Failing New York Times gave us a delightful peek behind the curtain at Fox News, as they lost the Dominion lawsuit. You should read it. It’s basically consequences porn, which I am addicted to. Please don’t tell Josh Hawley.
Tommy Tuberville officially descended into the Gosar Zone, where your own family feels compelled to publicly denounce your hatefulness. Lost his top military advisor, too, over the ongoing promotions tantrum. Tommy also has lots of thoughts to share about “inner city” teachers, who’re almost as bad as U.S. Senators who can’t correctly identify the three branches of government.
Speaking of the Gosar Zone, which I made up in the preceding paragraph, I see the princess finally dropped daddy’s name, ouch. Guess it’s hard to sell knockoff designer shoes when your brand evokes sexual assault, violent insurrection, and bragging about passing a cognitive test for literally years.
Elon Musk keeps finding geniusy new ways to drive Twitter’s value lower, like boosting paid users’ hate speech, and promoting Matt Walsh’s anti-trans “documentary.” It’s like watching a guy shit into an ice cream maker. An ice cream maker he paid forty-four billion dollars for.
Well, the QAnon Shaman, having paid his debt to society, has opened an online merch booth. That’s American history, unfolding before our eyes. My god, I capitalized “Shaman,” like “QAnon Shaman” is a title or something. I wonder if he takes Trump Bucks.
Russia wants to arrest Lindsey Graham, and I think that should be part of any opening offer at potential peace talks. Hell, why not kick things off with a gesture of goodwill?
Vlad’s war is still going great, though. Sure, he’s driven waves of his nation’s best and brightest away, but he’s gained Tara Reade. Somebody’s been studying The Art of the Deal.
Lordy. No wonder Dark Brandon’s running circles around ‘em.
Okay, that’s enough stupid for one week, I’m gonna go drink beer and watch John Frankenheimer movies now. You stay safe out there, folks.
If God Made a Fighter in Ron DeSantis, God Shouldn't Quit His Day Job (Ferret)
Folks, this week may’ve finally broken me. Marjorie Taylor Greene dropped a hundred grand on Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, and it only got dumber from there.
(Customary link to th’links: https://showercapblog.com/if-god-made-a-fighter-in-ron-desantis-god-shouldnt-quit-his-day-job/)
Are we absolutely certain this is real life, and not, like, my college theatre department staging some minor, absurdist farce from behind the Iron Curtain, circa 1977? The shouty woman from Act I, bashing away with her gavel, demanding decorum…it’s a little unsubtle.
Anyway, Donnie One-Term got his first official criminal trial start date, that’ll spice up the ol’ primary calendar.
Or will it? March 25th? Hell, he’ll have it sewn up by then. The state of the GOP presidential field at the moment is “so pathetic Glenn Youngkin might not be able to stay away,” which is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever typed.
When I saw the announcement of the announcement, that DiSappointus was teaming up with Elon for his long-unanticipated official launch, I laughed out loud, because there was no fucking way those two would be able to pull it off.
And then they fucked it up, because they’re fuck-ups. For months now, these two dudes have done nothing but fuck up, several times most days, right in front of us. It’s slapstick. It’s broad for slapstick, honestly.
You’d think, law of averages, at some point during his campaign's excruciating rollout period, DeSantis would undertake some endeavor, however modest, that wouldn’t immediately blow up in his face, but then, I don’t remember Charlie Brown ever getting that football. And Ron is basically Charlie Brown, But Shitty.
Fucking of course Youngkin smells weakness. I don’t know what weakness smells like, but I bet whoever’s standing next to Ron DeSantis right now could tell me.
All I’m saying is, enjoy the spectacle of this uncanny valley restaurant mascot wiping snot on voters while you can; by this time next year, he’s gonna be in a bar band with Scott Walker.
Bless the increasingly surly thinkpiecery of the fast-shrinking pool of dead-enders, though. They’re like Cubs fans, But Shitty, in the way Ron himself is like Charlie Brown, But Shitty. I think “Rich Lowry bleating out ever more fanciful paths to a DeSantis comeback, from his lawn” is going to be a reliable running gag for a while.
“Ron DeSantis is girding for battle with Donald J. Trump where he believes the former president may be most vulnerable to attack from a fellow Republican: on substance.”
Yes, that is how the Republican presidential primary is going to unfold. DeSantis defeats Trump, on substance. Substance n’ policy. Why, the debates may be even thoughtfuller and dignifieder than last time.
Ron appointed a bonafide Capitol rioter to a state regulatory board, which explains why he’s talking about pardoning more of them. On a purely practical level, it’s difficult to staff a MAGA administration without access to the pool of incarcerated terrorists.
His existing staff is all tied up, too, extorting political contributions from lobbyists. Resorting to blackmail to create the illusion of support is the stuff of loads of successful campaigns, I’m sure.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
Though Merrick Garland is expected to emerge sometime next week from beneath his desk, where he has been quivering in the fetal position since receiving an extremely impressive, intimidating letter from Donald Trump’s “legal team,” I’m afraid the Special Counsel investigation is off, folks. I’ve never seen such lawyering.
Dangit, and right when DoJ got ahold of yet another level of incriminating evidence in the stolen nuclear secrets case, too. Oh well, I doubt Jack Smith had an answer for the I Declassified Them With My Mind defense, anyway.
Stewart Rhodes, Grand Dragon of the Bashful Boyz or the 7-11ers or whatever, gets to spend the next 18 years behind bars, because it turns out the Constitution does not, in fact, grant you the right to violently overturn an election, even when you really, really, really, really wanted it to go the other way.
At sentencing, Stewie delivered a brief, forgettable tirade about all the fake laws he made up that permit him to hurt whoever he wants, and how the judge should follow those laws instead of the real ones real people passed in the real world, which is MAGA in a nutshell, isn’t it? Conjuring whatever imaginary timber you happen to require to construct your own, personal permission structure for violence?
Like, how strange, in a right-wing culture where a Republican governor “jokes” about hunting Democrats “with dogs,” and a Republican state legislator bellows, proudly, on the floor of the Senate, in the middle of a debate over a transgender rights bill, “I'm telling you right now, if a guy walks in there, I'm going to beat the living piss out of him,” that we should find the grassroots lobbing anti-trans death threats at Target, those that aren’t menacing children with assault rifles at bus stops, or loading up U-Hauls with Nazi flags for unannounced tours of the White House grounds, anyway.
“Weimar problems eventually lead to Weimar solutions,” they’re saying now.
Well, maybe, maybe not, but you don’t have any “Weimar problems,” dorks. You’re just making shit up so you can feel important.
Took the bill a little while to arrive, but it turns out, pausing mid-insurrection for a sassy photo shoot with your feet atop Nancy Pelosi’s desk’ll set you back four and a half years of your pathetic life. I’m really looking forward to MAGA’s second act, as an unusually self-destructive white collar prison gang.
Our old pal Noot popped by to praise the Great Mistake for transmitting his poison at a third grade reading level. Yep, that is exactly where his talents lie, Noot. Doesn’t seem the sort of thing you’d want to build a cult of personality or a political party around, but he sure does use small words.
Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert’s mad at Joe Biden for fighting anti-Semitism.
Nick Fuentes wants you to know he’s not a pedophile or anything, he just longs to take a child bride is all. No doubt he picked up some pointers on that score when he dined down at Mar-a-Lago.
Apparently, Matt Schlapp is a “cancer,” devouring CPAC from within. Y’know what? That’s a good spot for Matt.
Hey, what do QAnon, flat-earthers, and 9/11 truthers have in common? Republican governance, that’s what!
Arizona Senate Republicans are not only hosting a legion of smooth-brained kooks at a Senate hearing dedicated to COVID lunacy, they’ve actually branded their fucking committee with a trolly QAnon reference. Snickering all the while, no doubt. Some goon probably spent a day and a half on that acronym, without even understanding he was peaking.
Meanwhile, Tennessee Republicans appointed a 9/11 truther to the committee overseeing the state’s social studies standards, but not just any 9/11 truther, a 9/11 truther who believes Obama caused tornados. You wouldn’t want merely mildly insane people deciding what your kids learn in school, wouldja?
What’s that leave? Oh right, the flat-earther! Meet Georgia GOP District Chair Kandiss Taylor. Though I fancy myself a political humorist, I could not hope to improve upon her own words:
“For me, if it is not a conspiracy, if it is real, why are you pushing so hard everywhere I go? Every store, you buy a globe, there's globes everywhere. Every movie, every TV show, news media — why?”
…where’re you shopping, Kandiss? I bought some pants at Macy’s the other day, and the clerk wasn’t pushy about the globe thing at all. “Would you like to add a globe today, sir?” And I said, “Don’t be ridiculous, of course I would,” no pressure at all.
“Everywhere there's globes. You see them all the time, it's constant. My children will be like 'Mama, globe, globe, globe, globe' — they're everywhere.”
That is not true. Unless your kids are fucking with their batshit mom, in which case they’re awesome. ANWAY, cool District Chair you got there, Georgia Republicans.
This is the fundamental problem with the MAGA ask, the insistence on government of, by, and for only the loudest, nuttiest assholes. I found myself appreciating the dark economy of the headline, “Florida Mom Behind Amanda Gorman Book Ban Has Proud Boy Links.” Lotta crazy crammed into those eleven words.
And on a certain level, I feel bad for this woman, who has been driven insane by malicious people on the internet, but we can’t let folks who spread anti-Semitic conspiracy theories on Facebook purge our libraries of books about racism. Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.
Fox News somehow fell for yet another white resentment-stoking hoax, despite their rigorous journalistic standards. I bet it’s the last time, though.
Kari Lake lost the Arizona governor’s race one more time, for old time’s sake, the latest stop in a terrifying decline into wingnut carnydom. She’s headed for the geek pit, with Rudy, mark my words.
So, the Republican-controlled Texas House is gonna impeach AG Ken Paxton, and Ken called the Speaker a drunken liberal groomer who shits in the furry kids’ litter box. I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be sorted out inside a steel cage at SummerSlam.
George Santos named George Santos treasurer of the Committee to Re-Elect George Santos, because why the fuck not? He’s out to make some memories ahead of a period of incarceration, and I say turn the little shit loose.
It’d make the ultimate road trip movie. Pair him up with a couple U.S. Marshals while he tries to burn through the last of the donor money before the trial starts. The Last Detail, only the kid’s a bratty grifter who’s constantly attempting escape, and failing. McCarthy lets him vote by proxy the whole time. America deserves this film.
I see Putin banned a bunch of the Dotard’s enemies from entering Russia, including Letitia James, Brad Raffensperger and the officer who shot Ashli Babbitt. Which is just embarrassing. Straight-up Lindsey Graham shit. War crimes and cringe, that’s your legacy.
What’s more, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about, Hawaii’s feral chickens are, I’m told, out of control. No doubt Antifa is already bussing some to your hometown.
So stay safe out there, my friends, if you’re able, though I believe that’s a feral chicken right behind you. And if you feel like contributing to the holiday weekend beer fund, remember the tip jar page has expanded, with all sortsa futuristic payment methods.
Remember, They're Sending Their Very, Very Best (Ferret)
John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving Hillary ate Seth Rich’s face, which is exactly what happened, because this is Hell.
(Obligatory website link: https://showercapblog.com/remember-theyre-sending-their-very-very-best/)
The Durham Report is like some talisman Dumbledore entrusts to Hermione, that magically grants legitimacy to any conspiracy theory, if only for the duration of a Newsmax segment. Anna Paulina Luna’s gonna expel Adam Schiff from Congress over…somethin’. She’ll work that bit out later.
Who can even fucking tell what Tommy Tuberville thinks is in that report, but he’s about ready to dig a trench over it. I don’t know what to tell you, Tommy. I’m sorry you believe a bunch of shit that isn’t true, but we’re not getting rid of elections just because your brain doesn’t work.
Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she’s filing articles of impeachment, likely from a cereal box, targeting President Biden, Attorney General Merrick Garland, D.C. U.S. Attorney Matthew Graves, E Street Band keyboardist Roy Bittan, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, WWE Intercontinental Champion Gunther, and FBI Director Christopher Wray. Whatever.
Always fun watching a United States Congressman decide he has the right to lay hands on a dissenting American protester. Especially a vicious little thug like Clay Higgins.
I think Clay showed us who he is in the aftermath of the Paul Pelosi attack, and I think the whole fucking point of America is that the Clay Higginses of this world don’t get to push the rest of us around. One man’s opinion.
Seems James Comer went and lost his whistleblower. Probably wandered off while Jimmy was shoving quarters up his nose, in the parking lot behind the laundromat. Him and Ron Johnson, and oh, about nine dollars and seventy-five cents
Jim Jordan’s whistleblowers showed up, and he probably wishes they hadn’t. Not so much “whistleblowers,” turns out, as disgruntled, insurrectionist whackjobs, on Trumpworld conspiracy theorist Kash Patel’s payroll, who had their security clearances revoked for wholly legitimate reasons, like the guy who “expressed sympathy for persons or organizations that advocate, threaten, or use force or violence,” for example.
I guess Lauren Boebert’s getting divorced. Join me on a quick tangent:
They should make Lauren Boebert the MAGA Bachelorette.
I don’t watch these shows, but round up however many Proud Boys and incels and ultranationalist YouTubers and Matt Gaetz, and gape in horror as they battle, with words of woo, and perhaps the odd nail gun, for her favor.
Hosted, obviously, by Josh Hawley, that manliest of manhood-havers. Josh’s book came out, and I look forward to seeing it quoted in mass shooting manifestos for years to come.
I guess one of Paul Gosar’s staffers is linked to neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. I don’t imagine Paul Gosar hires many people without links to neo-Nazis, y’know?
Representatives Higgins and Gosar and Boebert and Greene and Luna and Jordan and Comer united with the entire House Republican Conference, especially the Rational Moderates™️, to save George Santos from expulsion. Historians are already calling this the ethicalest Congress of all time.
They’re saying DiSappointus is finally about to officially launch the presidential campaign he lost a few months back. On a wave of hate, soundtracked by the candidate’s suitably unnatural laughter.
“Grinning DeSantis Tosses Sharpies to Crowd During Anti-Trans Bill Signings”
What a nasty little headline that is. They’re always so happy when they hurt people. Lookit Ron. Jubilant. Surrounded by children, to whom tomorrow presumably belongs.
The state of Florida is investigating a public school teacher for showing kids a Disney movie. Because there’s a gay character in it. That’s happening, in 2023, in what’s technically still America.
The Mouse remains Ron’s white whale, and he stabs at it, from hell’s heart, with pudding-stained hands. Now he’s chased a billion-dollar investment out of his state, in search of culture war clout he didn’t even get.
Suddenly everybody wants to jump into the definitely-not-hygienically-maintained hot tub that is the 2024 GOP Presidential primary. Rick Perry’s thinking about it, but he still needs a few more weeks to work out what that elusive third thing was. The Governor of North Dakota, whose name, I believe, is Benedict Cumberbatch, wants in, too. I bet he wins.
Saw a headline that read, “GOP presidential field shaping up to be party's most diverse yet,” and chuckled. Sure, that’s the take. Vivek Ramaswamy’s never-ending rant about wokeness is a “presidential campaign,” and at the RNC next year, which will held at Rivendell, by the way, all the Nikki Haley delegates and Tim Scott delegates will join hands, and lead America into a land of milk & honey…-flavored horse paste.
Heads’re gonna roll once the Dotard Restored makes Mike Flynn Secretary of the Whole Dang Deep State. Storm’s a-comin’, groomers! Once upon a time, “Republican frontrunner pledges to bring hate-mongering felon into administration” would’ve been a bigger story.
If Rudy Giuliani turned out to be, like, five thousand slugs in a trench coat, would you really be surprised? “No, that makes perfect sense,” you’d say, as they slithered away into the night. Anyway, you know what he did, I don’t want to talk about it.
There’s a new shitty light beer to yell at for being woke, in case you were getting bored, yelling at the same old light, woke, shitty beer. I’ll leave you to what is clearly a fulfilling life.
Senators Cruz and Blackburn opened an honest-to-God investigation into the fleeting Bud Light/Dylan Mulvaney partnership. They’re marketing to minors, y’see. Just this one TikTok video, though, which is the only beer ad anywhere in existence that could possibly be construed as targeting underage drinkers.
Cruz. Blackburn. Titans. They put your face on currency for this kinda stuff.
North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson says mass shootings are “karma” for allowing abortion, which is silly, because everyone knows they’re karma for Pizzagate.
Well, George Soros sold his entire Tesla stake, so Elon finally took that big, ugly step every conspiracy theorist eventually takes. Nowadays, he’s far too busy defending mass murderers with Nazi tattoos to keep the animal torture videos off his platform, I’m sure you understand.
After a period of stalemate, Putin’s army is back to doing what it does best: retreating. Which is probably wise, with his pet warlord bargaining away troop locations.
Didja catch the latest polling? Biden up six on Trump? Up seven? After the FUCKING DAYS of cacophonous wailing and rending of garments launched by one outlier, which I ignored here because fuck the Eeyore brigade, should we not celebrate counterbalancing data with something approaching equal vigor?
I mean, we didn’t have the opportunity to whoop too many Republicans in this week’s elections, but we whooped those that made themselves available for whoopin’. Held Pennsylvania. Flipped Jacksonville. What’s this, “Judge who ruled for Trump on 2020 election loses Pennsylvania primary?” My cup runneth o’er.
…so I’m off to refill it, (with beer, if that’s somehow unclear) and enjoy the relative quiet of a Tucker-free media, while it lasts. Stay safe out there, folks.
Well, I Have a New Least Favorite Town Hall (Ferret)
Grossest week in a while, wasn’t it?
Straight from the E. Jean Carroll verdict to the raw, human horror of that CNN town hall. Sharp drop.
(Links version, as always: https://showercapblog.com/well-i-have-a-new-least-favorite-town-hall/)
The judge in the Carroll case felt compelled to advise the jury to avoid publicly identifying themselves, as doing so would expose them to harassment and possible murder. Sound advice.
Yeah, MAGA’s still ugly, if anybody out there was wondering. I guess we can keep yelling at each other about whether CNN should’ve loaned the little turd their platform in the first place, but I think it provided a fucking sobering reminder of the nature of the fight we’re in.
This is how a room full of Republican primary voters behaves. It’s who they are. There’s no secret legion of rational moderates, aching to hear Asa Hutchinson’s stump speech. It’s a mob.
It. Is. A. Mob.
Of course they jeered along with their butter sculpture strongman’s performative cruelty; the cruelty is, and always has been, the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT.
They like that he sexually assaults women. They like that he brags about it. We’ve known that since the Access Hollywood tape. They elected him precisely because he hurts people, and they hope to re-elect him so he can hurt people again.
“Makes me want to vote for him twice,” proclaimed one Thomas Tuberville, reminding the nation how he earned a spot on the Turd Reich’s Capitol Riot calling tree.
You know what? If a man of such unshakable Christian principle as Dr. Tuberville wants to single-handedly undermine the nation’s military readiness, who are we to object, with our pizzagating and our furry kid litter boxes?
Tommy wants more white nationalists in our armed forces, by the way. He said that to NPR. Good thing Doug Jones isn’t your Senator anymore, Alabama. You wouldn’t have anybody working so diligently to give the next generation of domestic terrorists the sort of training only the U.S. military can provide.
Hey, speaking, as we so often must, of our loser violence epidemic, the Texas mall shooter turned out to be a standard-issue MAGA loser, complete with Nazi tattoos, radicalized online by standard-issue MAGA losers like Tim Pool. (I’m told he was unavailable for the CNN town hall audience, being dead.)
Still, credit where it’s due, Republicans continue to offer sensible, good-faith solutions to America’s wacky gun conundrum. Fox put their deepest thinkers to work on the issue, and what they came up with was “have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” As Mary Poppins so memorably taught us, in song.
Marsha Blackburn proposes unleashing an army of gun-toting grandparents upon our schools, and what could possibly go wrong? We should definitely give a bunch of Newsmax-addled retirees the opportunity to act out their bucket list Rittenhouse fantasies, ideally in the vicinity of as many children as possible.
Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert is co-sponsoring federal legislation to make the AR-15 America’s “national gun.” Because it’s killed so many kids, you see. You wouldn’t want some sissy-ass gun that can’t even slaughter a classroom full of schoolchildren in seconds as your NATIONAL GUN, wouldja, ya groomer?
Anyway, we shouldn’t move on without pausing to honor the real victim of the Texas mall massacre: Representative Keith Self, whose religious liberty was riddled with a hail of rhetorical gunfire as vicious as any incel’s murder spree. Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this trying time, Keith.
These teasers for the impending Fox/Tucker shithouse knife fight are really working for me. I will order that pay-per-view. Go for it, creeps. Rip one another to shreds for a change, leave the rest of us the fuck alone.
Tucker’s teaming up with Elon now, presumably seeking to pool resources in order to capture Captain America, and strap him to some sort of experimental explosive device.
Speaking of, Ukraine shot down Pooty’s “most sophisticated missile,” but at least he was able to scrounge up a whole tank for his big “Victory Day” parade. That picture’s going in those history books you were aimin’ at, kiddo. Maybe even the cover. Lookit My Last Tank: The Humiliating Fall of Vlad…Vlad Something, Who Gives a Shit.
Ron DeSantis continues shrinking before the very eyes of anyone who still bothers to look at him. He seems to think he’s performing extremely impressively in that weird, embarrassing fight he picked with Disney. “They have not made a peep,” Ron boasted, which is nowhere close to true. They are literally suing you, my dude. They threw a Pride Night, legally gutted your lunatic “board,” and sued you.
Not a “peep,” though. Okay. Sure. You’re winning so hard, you should mint yourself a challenge coin, dawg.
A group of House Republicans are actually pushing a bill that would abolish the no-fly zones over Disneyland and Disney World. The GOP is gonna make Disney hate gay people, or knock themselves senseless trying. Forcing The Walt Disney Company to forsake LGBTQ rights and representation is about 35% of the Republican platform right now.
Which is odd, I think.
Anyway, Ron’s gonna traffic some more migrants. Next chance he gets, he’s gonna do that human trafficking thing he does, because he thinks it plays well with the Republican base. And he’s right, it does, it’s just that it’s not enough to keep up with the guy who’s inciting riots and sexually assaulting women.
Well, Johnny Law finally caught up to George Santos. Somehow. It’s almost a shame to see such a promising young grifter’s career cut short, and before he got a crack at the Saudi money, too.
I’m reaching out to the Federal Bureau of Prisons about a behind-bars production of The Producers starring Santos. Maybe Jacob Wohl in the Wilder/Broderick role. If we can get him. I’ll be in touch about financing at an appropriate time.
Of course, McCarthy needs Georgie’s vote to take the global economy hostage, so he gets to just…stay a Congressman, I guess. Thank heaven he’s being allowed to weigh in on such matters. George Santos personally launching humanity’s next Dark Age kinda tracks, though. Feels sufficiently biblical.
I like that James Comer is such a clown, even Fox shits on him. How’s it feel t’be that guy, Jim? The network that based the entire Big Lie on the ravings of an obviously deranged cactus artist finds you less than credible. Oof.
The National Review lamented the decline in teen sex, because that’s how fucking far over the rainbow we are, people.
Texas state Representative Bryan Slaton did what he could to address that imbalance, (allegedly) engaging in a sexual relationship with a teen intern. Bryan has resigned, but we’ll always have his anti-grooming legislation to remember him by.
I guess Eric Trump’s feelin’ litigious, cuz the Lügenpresse won’t let him hang out with his Hitler-promoting antisemite pals in peace.
Sometimes, I see headlines like “Milo Yiannopoulos Caught in Marjorie Taylor Greene-Kanye West Campaign Cash Scandal” and I worry that conservative politics’re becoming so normal n’ dignified that I won’t have anything to blog about.
Didja catch that great NBC story on the wingnut school board takeover in Woodland Park, CO? If you want a peek at what they’re hoping to replace all those Rosa Parks books with, check out the “American Birthright” social studies standard. Freaky shit.
Trump tactics at the school board level. Watching MAGA’s cultural ambitions congeal is pretty fucking gross, isn’t it? They want such a gross world.
Fuck ‘em. We’ve beaten ‘em before, again and again, and I guess we’ll have to keep on beating them while we wait for the long-term effects of ivermectin poisoning to kick in. Joe Biden, history has shown, understands how to beat ‘em. Like a dang drum.
We can do this all day, you assholes. Megyn Kelly convinced exactly zero of us to quit. Sorry, Megyn Kelly. Sorry, assholes.
I’m gonna turn this over to Mary Poppins for the sign-off:
Remember, children!
Never go to school or church unless you’re packing heat!
And always -
Children (in adorable unison): Always?
Yes, ALWAYS have a plan
To kill
Everyone you meet!
Stay safe out there, friends. It’s gettin’ weird again. It’s enough to drive a fellow to drink.
BREAKING: Tucker Texts Reveal Hidden, Secret, Completely Unsuspected RACISM (Ferret)
Seismic news this week, as leaked texts suggest recently defenestrated telefascist Tucker Carlson may hold some, shall we say “problematic” views on race. To think, were it not for these texts, the poor, misled Murdoch family might ne’er have learned of the secret bigot in their midst.
(Links version here: https://showercapblog.com/breaking-tucker-texts-reveal-hidden-secret-completely-unsuspected-racism/)
They hide among us, you know. Jesse Watters knows ‘em when he sees ‘em, and if you can’t trust Jesse Watters, who can you trust?
Anyway, Fox’s feral audience remains in open revolt. I’m surprised they didn’t tear Kilmeade apart with their teeth, honestly. WANT TUCK-TUCK! WANT TUCK-TUCK OR NO WATCH WATCH! BRING TUCK-TUCK BACK RIGHT NOW! All while shitting themselves and buying NFTs, I assume.
The race to replace the host of Fox’s prime time White Power Hour has already devolved into precisely the sort of competitive hate-mongering you’d expect, as the various shrieking heads vie for the attention of cruelty addicts. It’s been pretty gross.
But oh what a treat, Tucker Carlson’s thoughts on “how white men fight.” We’ve seen how white men fight, Tucker. Thanks to you. White men fight with nail guns. With their cars. With “stun guns, pepper spray, baseball bats and flagpoles wielded as clubs.” During the pandemic, every now and then, one of ‘em would cough on somebody.
And of course, whenever possible, they “fight” with AR-15s.
Big week for the AR-15, wasn’t it? “A man using an AR-15-style weapon shot and killed five people Friday, including an 8-year-old — an angry response to the neighbors’ request that he stop shooting in his yard while their baby was trying to sleep.”
Look, the Second Amendment is unambiguous here. My right to play with my murder toy clearly outweighs your baby’s right to sleep, and your attempt to violate my rights activates my right to slaughter your entire family. Why, James Madison himself shot up the nation’s very first Wendy’s, simply because his fries were cold.
That’s why Matt Gaetz wants a national Stand Your Ground law, because the next generation of Rittenhouse wannabes must be allowed to act out their violent fantasies, free from fear of incarceration. It’s just common sense.
Letters to Trump came out, and it’s actually even more embarrassing than it appears on the surface, which is impressive, because on the surface, it’s a coffee table book dedicated to the pettiest fixations of an aging game show host.
I see the mighty alpha among alphas is still afraid of debates. He’s very impressive, though. I can see why you’d build a cult of personality around him. This one time, he passed a cognitive test.
Despite his undeniable expertise in the field of Identifying Drawings of Elephants, constitutional law remains something of a blind spot, and now he gets to pay the New York Times’ legal fees. Also, at least eight of his fake Georgia electors have accepted immunity deals. Oh, and Jack Smith has an “insider witness” down at Marm-a-Lago.
Which brings us to his nauseating deposition in the E. Jean Carroll trial. Watching Donald Trump vamp on the Access Hollywood tape is like watching a rectal cyst leak.
Getting convicted of seditious conspiracy is probably my favorite thing the Proud Boys have ever done. Also my favorite thing the Oath Keepers have ever done, coincidentally enough, though I anticipate enjoying both groups’ rotting-in-prison period nearly as much.
Saw a story titled, “DeSantis Disappoints British Business Leaders Ahead of Expected 2024 Presidential Bid,” and chuckled, because we’re gonna see a whole lotta headlines in the weeks to come that start with those two words. “DeSantis disappoints.” Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? And so versatile! Fundraising deadlines. Debates. Caucuses. Primaries. I don’t anticipate a particularly dignified concession speech.
ANYWAY. Seems Ron wrote and published a book in which he brags about persecuting Disney for protected political speech, which experts say may come back to bite him in the lawsuit where Disney alleges he, um, persecuted them for…well, for protected political speech. Perhaps his next book can be on the legal perils of spending one’s political life pandering to proto-fascist primary voters.
I feel bad for Joe Biden. He’d almost gotten away with all his dastardly crimes when, at the last possible moment, the scheme unraveled under the unforgiving gaze of the world’s greatest buddy detectives: Chuck Grassley and James Comer. Can’t wait to see this mega-credible whistleblower’s cactus art.
I bet Joe’s already impeached by the time you read this. If not hung. I mean, when has Honest Jimmy Comer ever led us astray?
So, Herschel Walker apparently fleeced a Republican megadonor out of half a million dollars, and seriously…imagine getting conned by Herschel Walker. The “I don’t want to be a vampire any more, I want to be a werewolf” guy tricked you into giving him five hundred and thirty-five thousand, two hundred dollars. Congratulations.
The entire con, by the way, was “wire the money here kthxbye.” And it worked. I don’t think we’ll need Newman & Redford for this one.
Look you guys, I’m sure Clarence Thomas has lots of bills Harlan Crow doesn’t pay. He keeps a Junior Saver checking account open to buy Harlan birthday presents, for example. (Yes, the balance is unspent allowance money.) Plus, he likes to save a few bills for Leonard Leo to pay.
In their party’s latest love letter to democracy, Texas Republicans’re actually trying to grant themselves the power to overturn elections in Just This One Heavily Democratic County. Sounds legit, fellas.
I was surprised to hear about the toxic workplace culture at, of all places, Steven Crowder’s corner of the wingnut rageosphere. I always pictured a rather serene office, a place of Bible study interrupted only by the periodic feeding of orphans.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt called for Clifford the Big Red Dog to be euthanized, for insufficient hatred of gay people, and for defecating in the litter box designated for the woke, furry children. Clifford’s lawyers plan to appeal to the Supreme Court, but I bet Amy Coney Barrett thinks dogs don’t have souls, so he’s probably fucked.
So I guess Elon Musk has been sending threatening emails to NPR reporters, because that’s the kind of super-cool shit you get to do when you’re a billionaire. I never thought of myself as susceptible to status envy, but when you watch a man attempt (and fail) to blackmail a public radio company into tweeting more, you can’t help but think GOD THAT SHOULD BE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Another extremely impressive genius is Vladimir Putin, wonder what he’s been up to? False flagging himself while his pet warlord threatens to abandon the field for want of ammunition? But he’s doing it all shirtless and on horseback, so it’s wicked awesome. Ted Cruz is positively moist.
Also, “Russian Soldiers Camped in Chernobyl's Radioactive Forest. Guess What Happened Next.” It’s almost too dazzling to look upon. The glory of the Russian empire reborn, I mean.
If anybody feels like steering an unaccountable half million into my beer fridge fund, know that I have no political favors to grant in return, but that I will absolutely drink that much beer. Stay safe out there, folks.
The One Where Tucker Carlson Gets Fired (Ferret!)
I have a favorite push notification now. I think it’s the nicest thing my phone has ever done for me, actually. “What’s that you say, phone? Tucker Carlson got fired? Goodness me, what a wonderful thing to’ve happened, and what a wonderful thing to know!” and I skipped all the way home. Random April Monday. Delightful.
(Makes more sense with th’links: https://showercapblog.com/the-one-where-tucker-carlson-gets-fired/)
And yeah, they’ll replace him with someone worse, possibly some lab-grown fusion of Gutfeld and Watters DNA, marinated overnight in Pirro’s boxed wine dregs, and yeah, he’s gonna keep on driving people violently insane, and making a ton of fucking money doing it. Such is the state of our fallen world. But gone forever is that sweet, sweet 8 p.m. time slot on Fox, bar none the choicest real estate available anywhere in the multi-billion-dollar rube indoctrination economy.
For now, I will drink to any night without Tucker Carlson on television. I don’t know if there’s any less hate in the world tonight, but at least it’s not being distributed quite so efficiently.
Fuck, I’ll drink to the contents of that oppo file the Murdochs apparently have on him. Imagine the outtakes from Tucker’s Icarus phase, prancing around in front of his beloved Pelosi mural, imagining himself an untouchable white nationalist messiah…here’s to all the push notifications to come.
Also, Fox’s ratings took a massive hit in the absence of their star softboi, perhaps the beginning of the very audience exodus they feared in the Dominion lawsuit texts that brought Tucker down. Basically, a massive lose/lose situation for the very worst people alive. I confess I’m enjoying it. I wonder who gets custody of the January 6th footage?
I feel like I should buy a voting machine, to express gratitude, but I don’t have room in my place. Plus you get bamboo fibers all over everything.
Everybody liked the idea of Ron DeSantis, but the minute you give him even a cursory closer look, you can’t help but go, “oh, heavens no, this man absolutely sucks.” And it’s funny watching it happen, y’know?
Like, the way Ron DeSantis behaves is objectively embarrassing. More so when we remember every single batshit thing he does is part of a meticulously crafted plan to present himself to the public as a potential President.
“I’M GONNA BUILD A PRISON NEXT TO DISNEY WORLD BECAUSE THEY DON’T HATE GAY PEOPLE ENOUGH!” Well, I don’t think it’ll fit on a red ballcap, Ron. Enjoy getting sued, though.
It’s especially funny because it’s working so badly. Ron is on his I Am A Very Fancy Man Indeed tour, and the second he hit Washington, a bunch of House Republicans from his home state endorsed the Dotard. Oof. Ron DeSantis is diet, caffeine free Ted Cruz.
Finding an alternative to the grunting weirdo who’s autographing insurrection artifacts for convicted Capitol rioters on the campaign trail shouldn’t be too terrifically difficult, but the talent pool in the GOP has scummed over. I was hoping to go on laughing at Mike Pompeo for a few more months, but I suppose I shall have to make do with laughing at Chris Christie.
I’ve got Hutch fever, though. I’m on the Asa train. No, the Asa EXPRESS. Asa Hutchinson is running a completely real and serious presidential campaign that’s going to win primaries and amass delegates and everything, because there’s a “normal lane” in Republican politics right now. We’re only talking about real things in this paragraph. Hutchamania runneth wild.
I assume everyone’s having a nice time watching Kevin McCarthy fumble with the debt ceiling like an incel with the bra clasp on a new waifu pillow. Will America stupid the global economy to death? Tune in this summer, I guess.
An emerging genre I’m enjoying is the Well, You Wanted the Attention, Sparky profile of Kevin’s bumbling chief investigator, Jim Jordan. "Over eight terms in the House, Mr. Jordan, who served for a decade in Ohio’s Statehouse before winning election to Congress, has not been the lead sponsor of a single bill that became law.” At a certain point, I think we have to start looking at the Right’s propensity for rewarding failure in evolutionary terms. People still take ivermectin, you know.
The Jewish space laser lady says adoptive parents aren’t real. (Fact check: they are!) I hadn’t heard that one before, is that a thing, or is this just her reflexive shittiness? Elevating Marj was definitely one of Kevin’s leaderier bits of leadership.
Paul Gosar promoted a Holocaust-denying website, but only because they praised his anti-Semitism, you see.
Lauren Boebert called on “patriots” to start more fights on airplanes. Great advice. Pitch a mighty fit, then shit yourself in the seat they duct-tape you to while you await arrest. That’ll show ‘em.
They’re calling in bomb threats to Budweiser factories now. Cult45 really hates trans people, folks. Wingnut boycotts never work, but the little fuckers actually moved the needle with this one, because they really, really, really hate trans people.
The Republican Party isn’t doing a hell of a lot right now, beyond passing as much anti-trans legislation as they can. You never hear about any “Republican supermajority solves long-standing problem, improves constituents’ lives” stories, just ever more elaborate restrictions on transgender care and drag shows and women’s bodies. Yeah, I wonder where that red wave went.
Montana Republicans ritually cast Zooey Zephyr, the state’s first transgender lawmaker, from the statehouse floor, because conservatives’re sick n’ dang tired of this newfangled tolerating-the-physical-presence-of-minorities thing.
(Everybody’s paying attention to Montana, right? I say this because Jon Tester is a damn fine Senator, and Montana’s getting pretty freaky these days. Bookmark that sexxxy ActBlue page, is all I’m sayin’.)
Fun to hear actual audio of Ted Cruz plotting to subvert American democracy, innit? “Constitutionally, it’s nonsense, of course, but you see, the fellow who likes to laugh about how ugly my wife is has decided he’d rather stay President, and I live only to serve him.” Ted Cruz’s ultimate legacy will be as Trumpism’s ur-cuck and that, my friends, is fucking just.
On the extremely specific topic of audio recordings of fascist plotting, turns out law enforcement officials in McCurtain County, Oklahoma enjoy chatting about murdering journalists and lynching Black people.
Everybody who’s upset about the theocrat SCOTUS majority’s snowballing ethics scandal is really gonna get mad when they find out about the puppy mill Amy Coney Barrett runs out of her garage. (Harlan Crow pays for it, on the condition that he gets dibs on any puppies that happen to resemble Hitler.)
Peter Thiel says he’s not gonna piss any more of his constitutionally-protected Free Speech Buxx away on the GOP’s rotating cast of drooling fuckwits for a while, which strikes me as a fiscally sound decision.
Stop the Steal creep Ali Alexander turns out to be what some might call a groomer. Gosh, and he seemed so wholesome. Nick Fuentes and Marjorie Taylor Greene are at war over this extremely normal controversy, and I think we need to get some HIMARS to this front, pronto.
In the interest of both fairness and balance, I am compelled to inform you HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra violated the Hatch Act, conclusively proving the mathematically equivalent criminality in America’s two major political parties.
Elon’s Musk’s ongoing meltdown is gonna earn some irritatingly committed method actor an Oscar someday. You can see it, right? Pacing in an empty office, desperately flinging fistfuls of blue checkmarks at celebrities, emitting howls of primal self-loathing as they’re rejected on a wave of mockery. It’s gonna be Jared Leto, isn’t it? God, what an irritating movie that’s going to be.
The movie about Mike Lindell going broke losing $5 million prove-me-wrong challenges is going to rule, however.
Quick shoutout to the Donald J Chump guy for the chuckle. Sometimes the direct route is best. Also to the guy who sincerely believes the furry-kids-shitting-in-litter-boxes thing is real, for being such a dumb fuck.
And I see Putin’s bombing his own cities now. Sounds about right.
Okay, I think we’re more or less caught up, and I for one plan to drink until I forget every word of this shit. Stay safe out there, folks!
You're Just Jealous Your Own Hitler Collection is Comparatively Unimpressive (Ferret)
I’m tired of hearing about inflation and jobs reports, what we need in this country is an insufferability index, measuring the degree to which our quality of life is impacted by the shrieking inanity of the American Right in decline. That number would be off the charts this week. The charts I just made up.
(Links and shiny colors await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/youre-just-jealous-your-own-hitler-collection-is-comparatively-unimpressive/)
Well, Trump-appointed U.S. District Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk, citing junk science and authority granted nowhere in actual law, banned the abortion pill mifepristone, because he’d had quite enough of this women-having-bodily-autonomy hooey, thank you very much.
Now, I like having basic human rights removed by Federalist Society weirdos as much as the next fellow, but the electorate has sent no subtle signals since Dobbs. The American public will not passively submit to the revanchist whims of minoritarian zealots bent on shittiness for its own sake.
Of course, like so much of objective reality, this is proving to be a difficult concept for Republicans to wrap their wee minds around. They can’t quite figure out where this “youth vote problem” came from, but with thought leaders like Scott Walker and Kellyanne Conway on the job, I’m confident they’ll find a steady stream of creative excuses to avoid the obvious.
Poor Tim Scott tied himself in knots, and right when he’s launching what some feel obliged to pretend is a campaign for the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, too. Mockery aside, Tim doesn’t really need a good answer on abortion, or on anything at all, if we’re honest, given the, ahem, other obstacles he faces in the contest to lead the…y’know…the white nationalist resentment cult.
Actually, I think Texas Congressdolt Tony Gonzalez may’ve hit upon the solution: simply change the subject, and the issue will vanish into the cool night air! Women are flighty creatures, and once they’re restored to their natural station, they’ll be too busy with housework to even think about controlling their own bodies.
Yeah, I bet that works. I bet DeSantistan’s new six-week abortion ban never comes up during the entire presidential campaign, not once, cuz Ron cleverly signed the bill late at night, rather than in a showy, public ceremony. Curses! Outfoxed again, just like Disney!
I dunno. Given the ground he’s already ceding on the pudding issue, I don’t see it happening for DeSantis, though of course, you never really know what Republican primary voters will do, because their brains don’t work.
As predicted, Tennessee Republicans’re feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse over last week’s authoritarian shitfit. Seems nobody bothered to investigate procedural next steps before sending out invites to their big Excommunicate the Urban Black Guys party, so Justins Jones and Pearson barely had time to greet their new, national following before returning to work.
In addition to empowering those they sought to sanction, the other thing Tennessee Republicans accomplished was drawing the world’s attention to all the fashy shenanigans they’ve been up to of late. “Oh, um, yeah, we’re basically Hungary now. Tryin’ t’be, anyway!”
They sure had fun with their little expulsion vote, though.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t have to defend a plutocrat’s collection of Hitler memorabilia just because he bought Clarence Thomas’ mom’s house. Owning Hitler paintings is pretty fucked up, regardless of any Supreme Court Justices whose lavish lifestyles you may or may not be corruptly financing.
Another thing you don’t have to say out loud is that you think 12-year-olds should be allowed to marry. Meet Missouri State Senator Mike Moon, by the way. Oh, and “Moon's support of the practice resurfaced during a committee hearing on a bill introduced by Moon that would ban gender-affirming care for transgender children,” which goes without saying, I suppose.
Missouri Republicans’re also working to defund libraries statewide, because it’s quicker than pulling the books about Black people off the shelves individually.
Surprise, surprise, Tucker Carlson’s tougher in his texts than in real life, where he submissively offered his platform up to the doddering fuckwit he once called “a demonic force, a destroyer,” to rant about all his favorite dictators.
And sure, that was pretty emasculating, but nothing a few hours under the ol’ scrotum tanning machine couldn’t fix. Tucker was back on his feet in no time, lionizing the 21-year-old jackass who perpetrated the most damaging national security breach in years to impress a handful of asshats in a Discord chat.
(Marjorie Taylor Greene is also a fan, no doubt believing Jack Teixeira will upload the Jewish space laser schematics as soon as he finds a spare moment.)
Fox News was sanctioned (yay, incidentally) for withholding evidence in the Dominion case, another gleaming example of that organization’s general trustworthiness.
Greg Abbott coulda sworn it was legal in Texas to gun Black Lives Matter protesters down in the street, and he’ll get right on that next legislative session, but for now, he wants the world to know he’s working as quickly as humanly possible to turn a convicted murderer loose.
As you’d imagine, a wingnut like Abbott doesn’t hand out a ton of pardons, but obviously this dude is a special case, given his proudly stated racism. Oh, and his fantasies about killing protesters. Which are documented. And specific. “Might have to kill a few people on my way to work,” that sort of thing.
Yeah, we’ve seen this behavior before, and we’ll see it again. Some wound-up, armed-to-the-gills loser goes cruising for a fight so he can shoot his way out of it. Call it Rittenhousing. And Abbott is far from alone on the Right in believing it should be completely legal. Which is fairly terrifying.
Governor Tate Reeves once again proclaimed Confederate Heritage Month in Mississippi. There’s no denying Tate keeps spirit of the Confederacy alive, overseeing the highest poverty rate and highest infant mortality rate in the nation. Truly, the South rose again that time Reeves led his state to the fourth-highest COVID death rate…in the world.
Well, their culture venerates failure, and I suppose we have to respect that.
Kevin McCarthy’s assclown caucus celebrated 100 days of Jim Jordan and James Comer Punching Themselves in the Groin on C-SPAN For Some Reason. It was a lot like Kevin’s election night party, for a lot of the same reasons.
There’s now an overpriced anti-trans beer to go with the overpriced anti-trans chocolate bar, for those who enjoy lighting their money ablaze in fleeting displays of petulant hate. Meanwhile, Bud Light’s enjoying all the free advertising that comes with being the official adult beverage of Not These Screeching Bigots, secure in the knowledge that, as Dan Crenshaw so elegantly proved, Republicans are too stupid to successfully boycott anything.
Seems like only yesterday we were laughing at Elon Musk for setting the Guinness World Record for losing money, but he turned everything around this week, by covering up the W in “Twitter” (GET IT HAW HAW HAW) on the side of a building, and trolling NPR into leaving his platform. He’s so good at business, I frequently weep tears of pure admiration.
Congratulations to Arizona state Representative Liz Harris, for being shitty and crazy and dishonest enough to get expelled from a Republican-controlled legislature. I’m honestly impressed. In the state party of Kari Lake and Mark Lamb and Sheriff Joe and the Bamboo Fiber Detection Squad, Liz not only found the line, but crossed it. You should be rewarded for that, with like, a syringe of artisanal, small batch horse dewormer or something.
I see George Santos uncovered the deep state plot to ban toilet paper, which one of ya squealed? Loose lips sink imaginary pizza restaurant basements, you guys.
While mining the news for blog content, I stumbled across an article about failed white nationalist gubernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano’s Slovenian techno-polka-heavy TikTok account, which I feel compelled to share with you here. “In February, for instance, he posted a video showing cartoons of a duck in various situations with the caption, “got any grapes?” set to a sped-up song by the artist Justine Skye.”
I do, Doug. Grapes were on sale this week, actually. Doug’s looking into losing another statewide election, for Senate this time, so he can spend some more of his pal Andrew Torba’s Gab money. Whatever.
Also returning Is J.R. Majewski, who lied about his military record en route to losing his last congressional election by 13 points, in the red wave that wasn’t. Majewski, you’ll recall, rose to MAGA prominence by painting Donald Trump on his lawn, which is the sort of thing swing voters usually go nuts for, so it must’ve been the valor theft.
A Donald Trump speech at an NRA convention is too fucking much for me on a Friday night, but check it out if you hate yourself, I guess.
Just a heads up, there still be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, April 21st, owing to commitments in my civilian identity, as mild-mannered beer drinker Clark Kent. I will see you all in two weeks. Until then, as ever, stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
Yeah, Exactly Like Jesus (Ferret)
I write tonight’s post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n’ hot takes about the strength of Alvin Bragg’s case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself further punditry. Please send beer.
(Makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/yeah-exactly-like-jesus/)
Yes, America spent a day and a half watching that goony little doofus fly from Florida to New York to get arrested, and then we yelled at the television for showing it to us, for we are a nation of assholes, and Donald Trump was sent to plague us, by some sort of cosmic Greek tragedian.
He didn’t get the long, slow, martyr march he wanted, (Melania wouldn’t let him use any of the good tiaras anyway) just courtroom sketches and a couple photos where he looks scared. You can buy a shirt with a fake mugshot on it, though. That’s a shirt you can buy, so everyone around you will know what a dipshit you are. It’s like a MAGA hat, but a shirt.
Republicans, from the highest halls of power to the Appalachianest diners of Real America, rallied obsequiously to their precious, fading game show host, because they don’t know how to do anything else anymore. Well, stay on the sinking ship, fellas. Lifeboats are for cucks.
Lindsey Graham is organizing a bake sale for next Sunday, or maybe an insurrection, I couldn’t make it out through the blubbering. Jim Jordan wants to know if it’s possible to defund the rule of law all at once, or if it’d be easier to go agency by agency? And of course, George Santos was there.
Anyway, the Dotard is basically Jesus, and/or Nelson Mandela, like Marjorie Taylor Greene says. I feel like Nelson Mandela’s social media posts wouldn’t be quite so racist. I’m not saying Jesus’ would be, mind you. I bet both of them would immediately grasp that a cognitive test doesn’t measure intelligence, though.
You don’t get any more Christlike than MAGA, that’s for sure. For He did circulate amongst His followers the likeness of the daughter of the judge in His porn star hush money case, that they might menace her with hammers and bear spray and perhaps the odd nail gun.
No riot this time, which is great for all sorts of reasons. The more headlines like “Lone MAGA supporter awaits Trump in New York, fears antifa” the better. (I had to work that one in because it’s perfect and I love it. Say it out loud. Honor the comma. Really linger.)
Marj was on 60 Minutes, by the way, which I guess means she’s normalized now. I dunno, I’m not sure how normal you can make someone who rants about Jewish space lasers, but it’s something else to be mad about, if you’re hard up for shit to be mad about.
Word on the street is, Kevin McCarthy can’t corral his feral caucus ahead of the approaching debt ceiling collision, but that’s unpossible, Kevin am the leaderest leader who ever led!
In Tennessee, the Republican supermajority, which has been on a proto-fascist bender for some time now, expelled a pair of young, Black, Democratic state representatives, for Unconscionable Uppityness in Defense of Children’s Lives, which is not allowed in Tennessee.
Tennessee Republicans appear to’ve bitten off a bit more than they can chew here, so I imagine we’ll be hearing more in days to come. Get ready to be the bad guys in the next wave of books Florida bans, boys!
In addition to getting indicted on 34 felony charges, Donald Trump tried and failed to hire Laura Loomer this week, which is fairly embarrassing. In protest, Loomer handcuffed herself to…something, probably.
(Always makes more sense with th’links: https://showercapblog.com/yeah-exactly-like-jesus/)
Oh, and apparently, DoJ has evidence he personally rifled through the purloined classified docs to pull out the stuff he really wanted, which, sure, probably means the surveillance photos of Mike Pence’s heartrendingly abnormal masturbation breaks in the West Wing powder room, but might be nuclear secrets for all anybody knows.
Desperate to revive his fast-fading presidential hopes, and running out of children’s books about civil rights heroes to ban, Ron DeSantis has apparently decided to lose a few more rounds to Disney. That oughta do the trick. Another excellent plan from the party of excellent plans.
That six week abortion ban he’s cooking up’ll play real well, too, because Wisconsin doesn’t exist, I guess, though if it did exist, there certainly wasn’t an election there this week.
I’d like to thank Daniel Kelly for losing so badly, by which I mean both the 11-point margin and the thumb-suckingly petulant concession speech. You’re a credit to your party, Dan.
Eleven points, in what may be the tightest swing state in the country. Hey, if these creeps need a few more election cycles to learn this lesson, that’s probably best for everyone involved. Kansas doesn’t exist either, Ron. You’re doin’ great, kid.
Tommy Tuberville, who can barely fucking read, is single-handedly holding up more than 180 nominations at the Department of Defense, because he feels the women serving our country in uniform have too many rights.
Republicans’re all over that women-having-rights thing. You’d never believe this was the same party that had no policy platform whatsoever last presidential election; these days they’re positively overflowing with ideas for new abortion restrictions. They’re really quite creative and industrious when they want to be.
So, Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer, and a bunch of losers threw that fit they throw when they’re confronted with a world that refuses to pander to their personal prejudices. Yeah, the one where they destroy their own property, and post videos online. I don’t get it either. “Take THAT, thing I paid for!” I’m told it’s some sort of “lib-owning” ritual in their culture. Their stupid, stupid culture.
Anyway, they’re gonna boycott. Which won’t work. Because they’re losers. With no money. That’s how this goes, every single time. Starbucks and Nike and the coolers one and wasn’t it Hershey’s just a couple weeks ago? This does jeopardize Anheuser-Busch’s planned expansion into the lucrative horse paste market, however.
I see Clarence Thomas spent decades illegally concealing the lavish vacations showered upon him by GOP megadonor Harlan Crow. Golly. Corruption at the highest levels of Republican politics? Gosh. What is the world coming to? Gosh golly gee.
Asa Hutchinson picked indictment week to launch his presidential campaign, so obviously he’s got a firm grasp of the obstacles ahead. They won’t even learn your name until he threatens your family on Truth Social, Asa.
A cackling Steve Bannon unleashed his “chaos agent,” anti-vax halfwit RFK Jr., upon the Democratic presidential primary, and I for one demand no fewer than nine debates with Marianne Williamson. Debate Number Six: What Do Cats Think About?
Ron Johnson told Maria Bartiromo that he ran for reelection to advocate for “vaccine injuries,” clearly angling for the chairmanship of the Senate Subcommittee on Problems That Do Not Fucking Exist the next time these loons seize power. Ron’ll keep those damn hobbits out of your snozzberry bushes, too.
If you’re looking for something to cheer you up in the midst of all the madness, you could do worse than Mehdi Hasan ripping Matt Taibbi’s soul out through his butthole. I’d say treat yourself, but of course Tucker Carlson ruined treat yourself.
They tried to ruin beer this week, too, but they failed, for they are shitty, and beer is pure and good. You stay safe out there, my friends, until we meet again next week.
Mummy, the Indictment Fairy Finally Came! (Ferret)
Slow news week, huh? Man, that one never gets old. “Slow news week.” Good one, Cap, maybe you can work something in about the Gwyneth Paltrow trial, like a mob of Goop truthers armed with vagina-scented candles storming the courtroom or something? I dunno, I’ll figure it out.
(Cannot imagine this makes any sense without the links: https://showercapblog.com/mummy-the-indictment-fairy-finally-came/)
After decades of frequently illegal public shittiness, Off-Brand Orbán finally got indicted, presenting the American Right with yet another opportunity to retake the Should We Do Fascism test, which, well…at a certain point, you don’t expect progress anymore, but you’re still allowed to be disappointed, I think.
Excuse me, got “indicated.” We strive for accuracy here. But about the fascism:
Yeah, he’s trying to whip up a murder mob again, just like the last time he was backed into a corner. Merrily agitating away on his freshly-restored Facebook page. That was a good call, Zuck, thanks for your help. He’s going after the judge now, in addition to Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg, already the target of death threats and lynching fantasies.
So now we wait to see how many weirdos show up in New York next Tuesday. Marjorie Taylor Greene, sensing a brand-building opportunity, was among the first to RSVP. It’ll be like the MAGA Met Gala. I wonder what wacky outfits they’ll wear, and will they be accessorizing with zip ties or AR-15s this year?
Turnout has been mercifully, hilariously low at pro-Dotard protests so far, but the screeching heads’re really screeching right now, so I guess we’ll see.
A culture-wide conniption fit inside a disinformation bubble is really quite something. This one, brazenly corrupt asshole must be protected and elevated at all costs, his every whim made reality, or I fear we shall have no choice but to become violent.
Of course you have a choice. Every passing moment is a fresh, dewy opportunity to pull your head out of your ass. Stop worshiping a loser, dorks. I promise you it’s that simple.
Trumpism is a Russian plot to embarrass the United States on the stage of world history. And it’s working.
Look at the statement the New York Young Republican Club smeared on the wall in fecal matter. Seriously, look at it: “President Trump embodies the American people—our psyche from id to super-ego—as does no other figure; his soul is totally bonded with our core values and emotions, and he is our total and indisputable champion.”
Wow, that is definitely how people who aren’t in cults talk. Why would you want Donald Trump’s soul bonded to your emotions? I can’t even imagine that without H.R. Giger’s help.
“Young Republican Club.” The future’s so bright, it’s gotta wear shades, or, better still, some sort of harness that keeps it from reproducing.
Incidentally, just like on January 6th, don’t expect to see Charmin-softbois like Tucker Carlson and Jason Whitlock beside you on the ramparts. They won’t be serving prison sentences alongside you, either. You rubes. You brainless fucking rubes.
Ah, but rubes who must be pandered to! Governor DeSantis bleated out a sad, flaccid pledge to violate the U.S. Constitution on behalf of the guy who’s been relentlessly pelting him with abuse for a month, because I guess Ted Cruz has been giving seminars. “See, when you run against Trump, you eat his shit until he beats you, and then you’re a joke for the rest of your life!” Thanks for the tip, Ted.
It would be lovely if somebody in the GOP could mount a serious challenge to the game show host, since he’s apparently plotting to hollow out the administrative state and invade Mexico, but we’re not exactly walking among titans, here.
I see history’s dumbest death cult formally added Capitol Riot worship to the already embarrassing ritual they refer to as a “Trump rally,” where they gather to fete their living idiot god, currently on year four of bragging about passing a cognitive test once.
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but the Passing of the Cognitive Test is far and away my favorite MAGA Bible story. Have you ever seen other people, like, people who are not Trump himself, brag about Donald Trump Passing a Cognitive Test Once? It’s magnificent, in a way; the ultimate triumph of man over his own sense of self-respect.
But yeah, Waco was weird. A Trump rally feels like the sort of place you’d get trapped in during a Twilight Zone episode. But also the lamest possible version of that. Ted Nugent rants for a bit and the MyPillow guy rants for a bit and they play a video of a bunch of furious shitheads failing to lynch Mike Pence.
Of course, despite everything, he’s actually rising in the polls, because A) Republican primary voters are incurable jagoffs, and B) Ron DeSantis just sucks that much.
Watching Ron stumble onto the national stage, you’d think you were witnessing meticulously choreographed slapstick; every footstep somehow finds a rake. Ron DeSantis is the Barney Fife of Doug Mastrianos.
The drooling goon was already earning headlines like “DeSantis has never been tested. And it shows,” “What Ron DeSantis and Derek Zoolander have in common,” and, for you cut-to-the-chase types, “Why Ron DeSantis Looks Like a Loser,” and that was before Mickey Mouse dipped a four-fingered glove into his pudding cup.
And the Mouse ate his fill. No pudding for Ron, and no power for his power grab. Feels a little weird, cheering the corporate behemoth, but anybody who crotch-punts a book-banner is ok with me.
To be perfectly fair n’ balanced, they’re banning movies down in DeSantistan, too. Last time it was Rosa Parks, now it’s Ruby Bridges; gosh, I wonder if there’s any detectable pattern there? Anyway, Florida Republicans’re actually trying to make the process even easier, because decimating children’s libraries shouldn’t be a hassle, we’ve all got things to do.
If you want a peek into these zealots’ long-term plans for America, check out their celebrations surrounding that viciously anti-gay bill in Uganda. There are zero degrees of separation remaining between the institutional GOP and the hate-crazed fringe, by the way: DeSantis hired a speechwriter who practically wet himself praising Nick Fuentes.
Skeevy little twerp called Nate Hochman. Said, of Fuentes, “I think Nick’s probably a better influence than Ben Shapiro on young men who might otherwise be conservative.” That’s a pretty strange party game you’ve chosen, Nate. I have to say, I think you picked wrong, and also that you owe me a Coke for making me think about it.
Anyway, if you think Nick Fuentes is a positive influence on young men, one job you definitely shouldn’t have is writing speeches for a sitting governor. Another job you shouldn’t have is writing speeches for a presidential candidate. Wouldn’t let Nate walk my dog, either, if I’m honest.
I see Chris Christie imagines he can reinvent himself as Sick and Tired of Donald Trump Guy, sort of the lackey-fed-up-with-his-boss’-abuse arc you tend to see in professional wrestling. Bet that works real well, Chris. Say hi to Mike Pompeo for me, when you see him on the edge of the debate stage.
Normally, when there’s a school shooting, Republicans cover up their AR-15 pins and hide from the press for a couple of days, but this one presented an opportunity to stoke trans panic that was too good to pass up…apparently.
Suddenly, Josh Hawley’s howling about hate crimes. Josh Hawley’s sanctimony is like a lima bean fart, in a way I’m struggling to articulate right now, but definitely a lima bean fart.
Republicans have almost proudly given up on our gun violence problem, forcing the discerning voter to once again wonder, “what fucking good are these people?”
Nothing exposes conservative brain rot like a school shooting. Clay Higgins says, "There’s no such thing as gun violence,” and Rick Scott thinks a lil’ more capital punishment’ll do the trick, and Nikki Haley tells us gun control is the “lazy way out” but I think Tim Burchett put it best when he said, “We’re not gonna fix it,” which is the clearest distillation of the Republican ethos I have ever seen.
Let’s linger on Tim for a minute. Tim may labor under some rather comical misconceptions, on topics ranging from basic science to the Middle East, but you have to admit he’s confident.
Speaking of confidence, Lauren Boebert is still yelling, about pee this time, I think she thinks she’s stumbled onto some Democrat plot to legalize public urination? It’s tough to tell. Lauren Boebert believes all kindsa things.
Kevin McCarthy meeped out a bit of debt ceiling posturing, but still refuses to publicly identify the specific spending cuts he seeks, which Joe Biden is more than happy to point out. Kevin’s negotiating style is best described as Cat With Its Head Caught In a Bag. “The budget doesn't have anything to do with the debt ceiling!” Oh you poor, dumb thing, you don’t even understand what a bag is, do you?
In that ridiculously high-stakes Supreme Court election up in Wisconsin, the conservative candidate campaigned alongside a QAnon-promoting Stop the Steal organizer, but hey, both sides do it, and the parties are exactly the same, outside of some trifling disagreements about abortion and democracy and whether or not JFK Jr. is coming back.
While “protesting,” one of the Dotard’s dutiful drones pulled a knife on a family with two small children, right in front of some cops, because only the fittest have survived three years of ivermectin poisoning. I’m told Marjorie Taylor Greene will be leading a candlelight vigil for the knife-wielding psychopath as soon as her schedule permits.
Last week, we learned Joe Biden was a clone, and now it turns out John Fetterman has been replaced by a body double. My sources tell me Hakeem Jeffries is an enchanted statue come to life, and of course the worst-kept secret in Washington is that Sherrod Brown is actually a tiny alien piloting a Sherrod Brown-shaped robot battlesuit. The only real human being in the Democratic Party is Jennifer Granholm.
Shoutout to Putin, on his vastly expanded border with NATO; to Elon, for destroying more than half of Twitter’s value in five short months; and to Bibi, for losing the support of his people so completely and so deservedly. Geniuses, who should be in charge of things, clearly.
Well, I’m off to invest my weekly Soros deposit in a sixer of something hoppy, you stay safe out there, friends.
PS - Things’re going poorly for Fox in the Dominion lawsuit, which is great, but that story broke late and I’m tired and tipsy so write your own damn joke. Work in Gwyneth Paltrow if you can, I never quite got there. OR DID I?
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