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In reply to the discussion: Our daughter has been indoctrinated by the Fauxed and Christianed family she married into. [View all]Backseat Driver
(4,392 posts)and it too hasn't been easy to accept. My RWXtian fundamentalist mother asked me never to speak to her again. Tired of the double-messages, the gaslighting, and other abusive behaviors, and steering that extended to her grandchildren and which evidently poisoned my dad and siblings toward me and mine as well until his dying day and no intervention, there was little else to do but to quit a very toxic relationship and go no contact.
Our family made our own traditions for holidays; our bonds, I believe, are of unconditional love and support not merely duty done. We enjoy our togetherness and our boundaries. We listen and ache for each other's heartaches. Loving support finds a way, and over the years that was all I'd ever really requested of her. Obviously, she's not remorseful for her request nor her behavior. She's now 90 years old, and I'm assuming her life has been the best it could be for her; perhaps it included those others, perhaps not so much, but that makes me rest easy. We've had no major shared history for more than a decade. I've no knowledge of who she sees or when; her health, her circumstances. She has no interest in ours, and that's the way it is in this life. After that, who really knows and inside we believe what is personal to each of us, heart and gut!
In the meantime, remember you were a loving couple before you were a family; find ways to tend that spousal garden of love and keep the lines open to your grandchildren--there's a certain freedom in that. Your daughter's kids may ask questions or request visits if they are old enough to remember, and she'll be hard put to answer honestly. What did she learn about lying? You sound like a very good mom. Our grown children learn what they've lived but certainly peers have great influence. It's a strong but not certain motivator in being a good mom to have shared family values!