Hi! I’m a rapist. I’m one of those men who likes to force myself on women without their consent.....

[Melinda]

17. I struggled for years about sharing the circumstances of his conception with my son...

When he was young, I told him that I had wanted him, and not the relationship with his 'father'; I made up excuses as to why his 'father' wasn't a part of his life. I wanted to protect him, but the day finally came when he was an adult with questions, and so I shared with him.

Even though he was technically grown at that point, it affected him on a primordial level. Even though I tried my best (perhaps over-compensating) to ensure that he was protected from predators, that he had a healthy sense of himself, I *know* he suffered and still suffers from the circumstances of his being. I still wonder if maybe it would have been better if I had withheld this truth from him.

I've never participated in a support group, although I've had years of therapy. I know who I am and why I am the way I am, but knowing hasn't changed the feelings of worthlessness I still harbor deep inside. Every day I make a conscious choice to not harm myself, to self reinforce feelings of value, but, perhaps you're right. I live in a tiny town and work at a non-profit that is the only source of support for victims of rape and domestic violence within 50 miles, so I am wary of opening myself up to those I know personally... again, the feelings of being judged, looked down on - the shame - rise like bile in my throat.

I know better. I can do better. I will try.

Thank you for your kindness, Aegis. Your mom must be a remarkable woman, because she raised a remarkable son. I've enjoyed your posts for years, and I am grateful we get to share this bit of space together.