General Discussion

underpants

(196,829 posts) Mon Oct 24, 2022, 03:08 PM Oct 2022

Need advice on daughter coming out to grandparents [View all]

I will cross post in LGBT.

My daughter is gay and under 18. Of course we’re cool with that. The in-laws (all of them) are coming into town this week. The grandparents are in their 80’s and they know almost nothing of LGBT. We may think it’s on peoples’ radar but it’s not, at least with the grandfather.

The grandfather also has limited heart function. My wife is very concerned that it could be too much for him.

My daughter feels as though she’s living a lie to them. They live a good distance away so we don’t see them but maybe 2-3 a year. We are planning on going to the grandparents (and brother in laws) area at Christmas. We are trying to convince our daughter to wait until the grandparents are at their home and not hundreds of miles from it.

My wife and I have a dilemma:
Convince her to wait.
If she doesn’t want to, should we tell the grandparents ahead of time. I know I know that’s us outing her but see health concerns above.

They will be here in 4 days. Thoughts?

56 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

Need advice on daughter coming out to grandparents [View all] underpants Oct 2022 OP

Without knowing the grandparents it's hard to say. meadowlander Oct 2022 #1

Thanks. underpants Oct 2022 #12

When my great-nephew came out several years ago, his conservative grandfathers surprised us. greatauntoftriplets Oct 2022 #2

Anecdotally I know a lot of people whose grandparents were more accepting of them than their parents meadowlander Oct 2022 #6

That's very true. greatauntoftriplets Oct 2022 #14

What outcome do you want? WhiskeyGrinder Oct 2022 #3

I want her to be happy and grandpa to be healthy underpants Oct 2022 #4

What happens if you only get half of that? WhiskeyGrinder Oct 2022 #18

Then I would not consider that as a good underpants Oct 2022 #21

Is there ever a "good time" to come out? Deuxcents Oct 2022 #5

With all due respect, you and your wife do not have a dilemma Effete Snob Oct 2022 #7

I used those words for brevity I guess underpants Oct 2022 #13

I get it Effete Snob Oct 2022 #15

How is your daughter's judgement? Is she able to "read a room"? Is she subtle etc? LeftInTX Oct 2022 #8

How much under 18? gratuitous Oct 2022 #9

17 underpants Oct 2022 #16

I was going to ask how old she is. Scottie Mom Oct 2022 #32

Hmm....I'd tell your daughter what you told us, MineralMan Oct 2022 #10

Thanks. underpants Oct 2022 #17

Got it. It's a delicate sort of thing. MineralMan Oct 2022 #19

I can offer no insights except Elessar Zappa Oct 2022 #11

Yeah. underpants Oct 2022 #20

Went through the exact same thing a couple years ago sarisataka Oct 2022 #22

Thanks. underpants Oct 2022 #25

Always hard..... here's our advice to our daughter.... Happy Hoosier Oct 2022 #23

What little I know on the subject wryter2000 Oct 2022 #24

She plans on telling them on Christmas? Naw. Your daughter should realize boston bean Oct 2022 #26

This is an opportunity to grow for everyone...based on honesty, truth, reality, and love. It will wiggs Oct 2022 #27

You could tell your daughter what you've told us. pnwmom Oct 2022 #28

I'm not clear: Does your wife think this would give her dad a heart attack? WhiskeyGrinder Oct 2022 #29

Yes it could underpants Oct 2022 #36

It's her choice and her truth to tell. Solly Mack Oct 2022 #30

This is exactly right. meadowlander Oct 2022 #34

No problem Solly. Never. underpants Oct 2022 #37

... Solly Mack Oct 2022 #40

This is a fantastic answer. WhiskeyGrinder Oct 2022 #39

It might surprise you but the grandparents might already know. Emile Oct 2022 #31

Is your child ready for a very negative reaction from them? Do you think that's likely? lindysalsagal Oct 2022 #33

If I were her, ForgedCrank Oct 2022 #35

My husband and I are generally the ones who tell the grandmas and grandpas Wingus Dingus Oct 2022 #38

How about a soft reveal mercuryblues Oct 2022 #41

Support your daughter with handing this the way she Dorian Gray Oct 2022 #42

My daughter come out around the time she was 18 years old. Niagara Oct 2022 #43

Thank you. underpants Oct 2022 #44

If they are in their 80's, they have been around a LONG time. A HERETIC I AM Oct 2022 #45

your daughter should know that health concerns come first Skittles Oct 2022 #46

Thanks. underpants Oct 2022 #49

Having to lie about your identity can trigger suicidal depression. That's a health concern. meadowlander Oct 2022 #52

no one says she has to lie Skittles Oct 2022 #53

Not when she's being asked to hide or suppress a fundamental aspect of who she is. meadowlander Oct 2022 #54

how about we let underpants do what he thinks is right Skittles Oct 2022 #55

Because it's not his identity? meadowlander Oct 2022 #56

Are her grandparents really concerned about her sexuality? Ilsa Oct 2022 #47

The thing is, they probably know already. It's just a question of ecstatic Oct 2022 #48

soft approach and just mention she's exploring her identity in that area? Amishman Oct 2022 #50

I'm hearing my grandma's voice in my head... hunter Oct 2022 #51