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[CoffeeCat]

299. As a victim of rape and child molestation...

I would just like to say "thank you" for actually admitting that you were wrong.

I have been in therapy for nearly 15 years due to the kind of sexual abuse that you admit to have perpetrated. The damage is real and it just never ends. I have PTSD, an eating disorder and I go in and out of depressions. I have sat in support groups and listened to other women's stories--how they passed out or how passing out and being raped was one of a series of traumas that happened in their lives.

Because you can look back and realize that what you did was wrong--maybe you are open to understanding what happens to girls and women who are victims of sexual abuse. Remember those "sluts" or those drunk girls at the parties? Chances are, those girls were victims of sexual abuse or other kinds of abuse--beatings, physical abuse--at home. Those girls were desperately disconnected and damaged. They didn't care about themselves, because their humanity was wadded up and thrown in the trash--by their fathers and mothers--the very people who were supposed to love and protect them, but didn't. So, these girls go to parties and they treat themselves as they are treated as home---recklessly and without any thought to their humanity. So they get drunk to numb the pain, do drugs and put themselves in vulnerable situations--because they're in an emotional stupor and they don't care about themselves anymore.

The girls who were raised by loving parents were studying, preparing for college, and spending time with family members who respected them and protected them. Those "sluts"--as you call them--were acting out pain--that you inevitably capitalized on.

So really, when you committed these acts--you were just one chapter in some very difficult personal stories. I was one of these girls. For a couple of years, I behaved like this. However, it wasn't about sex. I wasn't getting anything out of it. I had disassociated from myself. I had become the trash that I was treated like at home.

When I was in seventh grade, a bunch of popular sophomore guys thought it would be funny to give me vodka. I was staying overnight with at my 7th grade girlfriend's house--and her older brothers and their friends did this. I passed out and the rest is history.

But these guys and their vodka came along--during the height of major trauma and sexual abuse that was happening in my own home. I remember going along with the vodka because I didn't feel that I had the right to say no. I didn't feel like a person. I felt like a powerless object. I could barely sense that I was in danger because I was so disassociated from my own feelings and needs. I had none. I wasn't supposed to have any.

And boy did these sophomore boys talk about what happened. They blamed me. They laughed about it. They labeled me with a horrible reputation that still follows me today--some forty years later. Lovely huh?

Because I've got you here--a perpetrator who understands that what he did was wrong--maybe you could apologize to your victims? As a victim, I can tell you that it would be healing and helpful. It won't be a cure, but it will go a long way.

If you truly are sorry and if you truly realize that what you did was wrong--then you will try to make this right. There is a difference between realizing that what you did was wrong--as you have admitted--and actually having remorse. Do you have remorse? Do you care that you capitalized on the sexual trauma of young girls who were so broken that they lacked the capacity to grow up normally?

These girls were derailed, likely by their caregivers, but you played a part in keeping them derailed. You need to own that, understand that and consider apologizing to them. Chances are, there are many perpetrators in their history. If just one apologized and told them that it wasn't their fault--it would make a huge difference.

I bet most of these "sluts" as you say, are still suffering greatly--similar to my own healing journey. You will never know what it is like to feel emotional pain like this. It is lifelong torture. I'm sure the thought of apologizing leaves you uncomfortable, but please remember that the emotional pain of sexual abuse--incurred during childhood, the teen years and early adulthood is emotionally draining and exhaustive. It's also expensive--I've spent tens of thousands in therapy. It also affects your health.

Think about it. I strongly urge you to apologize. Your "realizations" mean nothing if they are just words on a messageboard. Put them to action.