Open Letter from Canadian to Maga and Maple Leaf Maga [View all]

[Bev54]

This is an open letter from Jim Elliot who is a news reporter, I think he is in the Yukon:

Dear 77,301,997 Trump-Loving, Conspiracy-Huffing, Rage-Addicted Americans (And the Canadian Dumbfucks Who Worship Them)
Oh, hey there. Sit down. Read this. Try not to cry.

Listen, I get it. You think we’re just a bunch of polite, snow-loving, maple syrup-chugging pushovers up here in Canada. You’ve been misled. We’re polite, sure. But only until we get pissed off. And you, dear MAGA cultists, are testing our fucking patience.

Let’s clear up a few things about who we actually are, because you seem to be confused. We’re a country that gives a shit about our elders, our kids, and our most vulnerable. We actually value education instead of treating it like some left-wing brainwashing experiment. We don’t get all horny over billionaires hoarding wealth while our neighbours die in poverty. We don’t fantasize about returning to the 1940s, and we sure as hell don’t think the most corrupt sack of shit on the planet was personally chosen by God.

Who does that? Oh right—you.

But let’s go deeper.
We’ve Always Been Your Best Fucking Neighbour—So What the Hell Happened?
Time and time again, Canada has been there when the U.S. needed us.

World War I? We were in the trenches before you even showed up. World War II? We were storming the beaches of Normandy while you were still debating whether or not to help. Korea, Afghanistan, peacekeeping missions—you name it, we’ve had your back. We sent our firefighters to help when California burned. When Katrina wiped out New Orleans, we were there. And on 9/11? We fucking welcomed thousands of stranded Americans into our homes, because that’s what decent people do.

And what did we ask for in return? Nothing. We didn’t demand grovelling gratitude or threaten to “never help again” if you didn’t kiss our ass. That’s your toxic, transactional bullshit—not ours.

Enter Your Mango-Coloured Messiah: A Convicted Criminal With a Cult

So after all that, what do we get? Your country elects a spray-tanned sociopath with a vocabulary of a Grade 3 dropout, and suddenly we’re the bad guys? You’ve got a convicted fraudster leading your country—a man who insults war heroes, mocks the disabled, and jerks off to the thought of authoritarian rule—and we’re the problem? You’ve got a party foaming at the mouth to gut democracy, roll back civil rights, and turn the U.S. into a theocratic shithole, but we’re the ones who should shut up?
Nah. Fuck that.

And to the Canadian Trump Bootlickers—Sit the Fuck Down
I can already hear the Canadian MAGA muppets shrieking, “Mind your own broken country!” Oh, sweetheart. If Canada were actually broken, it would be because of dumbass conservatives like you who take marching orders from a foreign conman.

Is Canada perfect? Of course not. But unlike you bootlicking clowns, we don’t rally behind leaders who openly admire fascists and flirt with the idea of rounding up immigrants. We don’t foam at the mouth over the idea of a “war on woke” while pretending climate change isn’t real. And we certainly don’t suck off billionaires while pretending trickle-down economics isn’t a scam.

You morons scream about freedom, but what you really mean is the freedom to be an ignorant, unvaccinated, gun-hoarding dipshit. The moment someone else—be it a woman, an immigrant, or a person of colour—wants the same freedom you enjoy? Oh no, suddenly that’s tyranny. Fuck off with that hypocrisy.

Canada Isn’t Broken—You Just Can’t Handle Reality

What do we actually have in Canada? Universal health care. Sensible gun laws. A social safety net that, while imperfect, at least tries to keep people from starving in the streets.

Meanwhile, in your MAGA utopia, you can literally go bankrupt because you got cancer. You send kids to school in bulletproof backpacks because you refuse to do anything about mass shootings. You’re so brainwashed by billionaires that you think raising the minimum wage is worse than cutting taxes for a corporation that made $100 billion last quarter.

And you have the fucking gall to call us broken?

Mind My Own Business? I Fucking Wish

Oh, I’d love to. Really, I would. But here’s the problem—when you share a border with a country of over 300 million people, and that country elects a conspiracy-loving, anti-science lunatic to power, it becomes my business.
When your president guts economic, military, and trade alliances that help keep the world stable? That’s my business. When your leader openly muses about invading sovereign countries—including ours? That’s definitely my business.
And when a bunch of dumbfuck Canadians start acting like America’s the blueprint for success, despite all evidence to the contrary? That’s all of our business.

We’re Watching, and We’re Not Impressed

So, dear Trump cultists, both American and Canadian: we’re onto you. We see your bullshit, your hypocrisy, your complete detachment from reality. And we’re not buying a single second of it.

We’re your neighbours, your allies, your friends—but we’re not your doormats. We’re polite, but we’re not fucking stupid. And right now? We’re watching. Closely.

Warmest regards,
A Canadian Who’s Had Enough of Your Bullshit