Dr. Nolan Ryan Williams, neuroscientist/psychiatrist, pioneer of Stanford SAINT protocol for depression, dies by suicide

[crimycarny]

28. I so appreciate your sharing

Thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. I wish you could have talked to my son. I think no one can truly understand unless they are battling the same disease themselves.

That is one thing I'm learning through this awful process of trying to understand this nightmare, and that is there are some really sh*tty psychiatrists/counselors out there, and that our current treatment approach is horrible.

In the first few months after my son died, I had called my insurance company to find out why they didn't cover my sessions with my grief counselor. My grief counselor had lost his wife to suicide, so he truly understood the unique loss. But apparently, he didn't have enough letters after his name, so the insurance company was balking at paying him.

In talking to the insurance customer service person, I mentioned that I didn't see how I was going to continue on without my son. I wasn't talking about suicide; I was simply talking about not knowing how I'm going to navigate this painful new world (thus the need for grief counseling). The agent was able to get the sessions covered, and we hung up.

Imagine my surprise when 24 hours later, my middle son woke me up (from some precious sleep that I'd finally been able to get) and told me the police were at the door. Imagine my panic as just a few weeks before my same middle son was the one who answered the door to the police, telling me my oldest son had died by suicide. At the time, I had a daughter a few hours away at college, so of course I feared the worst.

I opened the door and was ordered to step outside on my front porch. Apparently, the insurance agent had contacted the local police after our conversation 24 hours earlier to report that I was "wanting to harm myself" (not at all what I said). Friggin' 24 hours later, they show up at my door. They talked to me like a criminal who had called in a bomb threat. There was zero empathy, more like contempt. I'm standing out there on my front porch, in my pajamas, with the police interrogating me and all the neighbors watching. It was humiliating. I had to convince them I was not at risk of harm before they went away. I told myself right then and there that if I was ever truly suicidal, I would NEVER ever tell anyone.

That is the system we have. No wonder people are reluctant to reach out.

I absolutely believe there is PTSD associated with losing someone to suicide, let alone several. There is also a genetic component to it. My son inherited my OCD type anxiety, which caused him to ruminate about his fears and perceived failures. But he was sooooo good at hiding it, I know that now. He hid behind humor, making everyone laugh. I still can't believe I didn't see his pain. I'll never forgive myself, never.

Thank you again for sharing. I have a lot of anger too. The system is so screwed up.