I've suffered from undiagnosed BPII for the last 50+ years, heavy on the depression. The cycles could last from months to years. Then eight years ago I sat with my soulmate as she attempted to end her life in a horrific fashion. It failed, and two weeks later I sat with her again as she received MAiD (Medical Assistance in Dying - I'm in Canada, thankyouverymuch).
My depression got worse of course, and didn't let up. A couple of months ago I realized that there was in fact a painless, dignified, accessible exit available. What a relief! I immediately bought the necessary piece of kit on Amazon...
I'd been under the care of both a very good therapist (the sixth time was the charm) and a psychiatrist who is doing her best. I had just enough objectivity left to realize that buying the tools was a major step over the line from ideation, and I made a good choice. I disclosed my actions to my therapist, who was able to talk me into disposing of the goods. I also disclosed it to my psychiatrist, who put me under closer watch and bumped my meds. After discussions, neither called in the first responders.
But it was those discussions that went to the heart of the matter and helped me regain some long-lost objectivity about myself. Being able to vent without limits or fear of judgement was the key for me. It may not be for others, but it's way better than letting the inner pressure build up and blow.
Nobody but my medical team knew anything was that seriously wrong. It's very hard to tell from the outside. I haven't had any recurrences, but I now have two professionals and my own reawakened sense of self-preservation standing watch.
Life can be a tightrope walk without a net. If you get into trouble, please tell someone you trust what's going on - they probably won't know unless you say something. It takes a bit of courage, but the payoff can be life-changing.
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