After my son died, I had a time where I went into a very dark tunnel and started doing some planning myself. While I was able to get myself out of that mindset, I've never forgotten how logical it seemed. It also had nothing to do with a lack of love from my family or a lack of love for my family. It had nothing to do with not having resources to get help or not having friends I could talk to. That period of time gave me insight into my son's mindset and provided a glimpse into perhaps why he didn't reach out. He didn't want to; he saw no other choice. Sort of like being inside a burning building and your "choice" is to burn alive or jump.
I'm grateful you still had a small part of your brain that allowed you to reach out. I just wish more people understood that this "suicide tunnel", as it's often called, is not something you can understand from a rational mindset. We want explanations that come from a rational mindset, and that is why the answers remain elusive. Hearing others explain their thinking, at the time, is crucial to a better understanding than we have now. For example, it's not as simple as having a 988 number to call. When someone gets to that point, it's often too late. I'm not saying 988 isn't a good thing, but it's not a catch-all solution.
That is why I'm hopeful for better treatments and maybe earlier intervention. Dr. Nolan Williams found that younger people in his study had a bigger response to the TMS treatment. He theorized that since younger brains have more plasticity, being able to reset circuitry at a younger age helps to reduce the risk of the brain "hardwiring" towards depression. It makes sense to me. I have epilepsy, and there is a phenomenon called "kindling' where the brain "learns" how to have more seizures if they aren't brought under control. Sort of like creating a path through a field of grass. The more it's walked on, the easier it is to take that path. So the more seizures a brain has, it creates that path. However, if you can stop the traffic, the path of grass will grow over, and it's no longer the easier path to take.
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you the best.
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