I've been dreading having to write this post since yesterday. [View all]

[Ilsa]

I feel physically ill trying to get the words out. My heart hurts.

My brother, DU's Texas Towelie, passed away yesterday.

Decades ago my parents tasked me with looking after my younger brother. One sibling was 1500 miles away. Another was out of the country. And the other was too stressed all of the time to participate. He was my brother, and I wouldn't let them down. My younger brother was intelligent and bipolar. He was well-educated, but never had money, even with a good paying job. He had some problems with decision-making. He grew up with us in a horrible small town in south Texas with rattlesnakes, javelinas, cowboys, and bullies. I can't imagine how rough it was for him. He was more suited for a genteel life.

Paul (Towelie) had several chronic health problems for decades that finally caught up with him. I think he was dreading what could have come next. He passed away overnight on May 14. He was living with our brother in Texas who had PTSD from the Gulf War. Neither would be easy to live with, but I couldn't convince Towelie to leave Texas when he could like I did when I moved to Georgia.

Over the years I have sought out Paul's posts to keep an eye on him, trying to assess his emotional state after several suicide attempts. I also looked for his absence from DU as it might have meant he was hospitalized and our brother forgot to tell me. Over these decades I was married with a traveling husband, a severely autistic teen son, and a MIL with dementia. I couldn't do everything from 1000 miles away and people here depending on my help. I think he might have figured out "Ilsa" was his sis, but I hope he's forgiven me for not being upfront about it. If he was angry for me trying to look out for him, I can live with that. Paul and I have always been more alike in our interests and politics.

A few years before he joined DU, I invited him here, hoping he could make friends here and find purpose. I think he took his time and found you on his own. I'm so glad he made friends with so many of you. I know he appreciated every kind word you had for him, as do I. Please forgive me for my deception.

My heart aches for him, that he had so many physical and emotional problems over the years, and endured so much suffering.

I need to go mourn for my beloved brother. I've been doing a lot of that over the last 3½ years having lost my husband, my MIL afterwards, my dog, my son's caregiver after 2 years, and about 4 or 5 aunts and uncles. I'll try to answer questions if you have any.