N.J. woman refuses to meet daughter she gave up for adoption after being raped over 30 years ago

[Hekate]

46. This case is the Shadow side of all those "happy reunions" TV loves so much

I'm sorry for the daughter Elaine Penn's disappointment, but she is a grown woman who presumably was raised by people who loved her dearly. But she said, “It’s really sad... It is very hard for somebody in this time to put their brain back in 1964 in that society. I’ve never experienced it. But I would hope that whatever happens in that situation that at this point, I would get myself help and I wouldn’t take it out on the person I gave birth to.”

Honestly, I just wanted to slap her one. I was 16 in 1964 too. If she cannot muster the empathy to wrap her head around the circumstances of a 16 year old being raped at any time, she needs some serious help herself. THIS IS NOT HER PERSONAL FANTASY world that another person is obligated to fulfill.

Somewhere deep inside her biological mother is a 16 year old little girl who just tried to get on with her life and never told anyone because of the deep, deep shame she felt. Shame on top of shame, because she got pregnant from it and then everyone knew. THAT was 1964. If you as a teenager got pregnant even from your boyfriend, forget about "wanting to raise a child," because chances were very good your parents would send you to the Booth Home or its equivalent as soon as you started to "show" and then your baby would be taken from you before you even got to hold it or name it. My Gods, WE ALL KNEW THAT. Sacrifice your firstborn on the altar of social acceptability, suck up the grief and walk away.

Elaine should just grow up. Her parents were not in love, and that is a very sad fact. Her very young mother was raped. She should be glad her biological father was dead already -- ewwww, did she fantasize a "relationship" with him, too?

The person I truly feel sorry for is Kathleen Foley. She gave up her baby for adoption to a family who would love it, and out of a sense of shame for something that was in no way her fault she carried that secret for decades. She made a new life for herself. And then a stranger came and turned everything upside down and inside out. I hope that Elaine can learn a sense of compassion and understanding for the girl who gave birth to her and did the best she could.

Okay, rant off.

There were an abundance of adoptions in the 1950s and 1960s, when I was growing up. With young girls being forced to give up their babies, of course there were plenty of babies available. As a consequence I have 2 adopted cousins, in 2 separate families. I have many friends in my age cohort who were adopted.

At a certain point I realized (probably along with the rest of the country) that propaganda aside, adoptees really did want to know who their biological families were, no matter how much they loved the Mom and Dad who raised them. I do know one happy outcome, from a woman who was a "love child" in the 1930s. By the time she went looking for her original mother in the 1990s, that woman and her grown children were ready and open. For the first time in her life she was surrounded by people who looked like her, moved like her, talked like her. It was a heartwarming experience. But I know of two other reconnections that did not go well at all.

I just think that there should be a way of leaving a message with the agency or the county or whoever. Bio-mom leaves a message saying, If you ever come looking, here's how to find me. Adult adoptee (18+ years?) leaves a message saying, I am looking for you. But proceed cautiously. You just do not know a stranger's circumstances.

There was a family friend of my parents who was adopted (probably in the late 1920s or early '30s) and ended up having to adopt her own 3 kids. Ironically she found herself at the same agency that had placed her as an infant, and -- in an echo of the unprofessional behavior of someone at Catholic Charities -- when her file got pulled the social worker said something like, "Aha! you are the scion of an extremely wealthy and well-known family here in Los Angeles! Would you like to know who?" My mother's friend said, "Have they ever at any time asked after me?" When the answer was "No" she said she did not want to know who they were. Personally, I think she was wise.

Hekate