General Discussion

Crepuscular

(1,068 posts)

99. I'm an adoptee

Tue Mar 12, 2013, 08:16 AM

Mar 2013

I was adopted in a closed adoption, born in the 60's, so in a similar time frame to the story in question. I was adopted at 6 months and was raised by wonderful parents, had a really idyllic childhood and would not have wanted to change anything. I've never made any attempt to find my biological parents but I have to say that I've always had some mild curiosity about them. The limited information that was provided in my records raises more questions then it provides answers. I have no desire to have a relationship with my biological parents but there is a more than reasonable likelihood that I have half siblings and it would be interesting to find out whether that's the case. As far as the story that is the subject of this thread, I think that adopted children have a right to information regarding their biological backgrounds, more than the limited information provided in sealed adoptions of that era but that right does not include the guarantee of a relationship. An overture was made and rejected, that should suffice. Anything past that is an intrusion of privacy.

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N.J. woman refuses to meet daughter she gave up for adoption after being raped over 30 years ago [View all] Liberal_in_LA Mar 2013 OP

Whoa. A difficult situation. I see Foley's side of it, but I also see Penn's interest... Honeycombe8 Mar 2013 #1

i am on the mother's in this. Birthing a child does not a parent make. It holding, touching, kelliekat44 Mar 2013 #59

It's not my place to judge either one. tblue Mar 2013 #63

She hadn't been able to move on because she kept contacting her mother's bio family. southernyankeebelle Mar 2013 #104

Was this statutory rape, or someone the birth mother knew, not a violent nightmare? kentuckyangel Mar 2013 #74

Rape is rape. catbyte Mar 2013 #90

Absolutely 100% wrong. Non-consensual sex is always rape; statutory rape sometimes isn't. Donald Ian Rankin Mar 2013 #151

Two teens having sex is not statutory rape. One of them has to be an adult. Honeycombe8 Mar 2013 #246

I believe that in some jurisdictions of the USA you are legally wrong, although I'm not 100% sure. Donald Ian Rankin Mar 2013 #260

Actually, men can be raped by a woman, although it is extremely rare. GreenStormCloud Mar 2013 #266

Rape is rape. There is no difference. Can't believe you would try to make it sound like there is. idwiyo Mar 2013 #111

Women have been forced to give up their wanted children.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #138

I see your point. Didn't think about it because in this case it clearly did not apply. idwiyo Mar 2013 #144

I disagree - see my reply 151, upthread. Donald Ian Rankin Mar 2013 #152

It's like racism in a way Ter Mar 2013 #262

It was definitely rape. She was repeatedly molested by her stepfather. TheOther95Percent Mar 2013 #164

it's thoughtful of you, as an adoptee yourself, to sympathize with the birth mother renate Mar 2013 #222

The documentary is called "Sex in a Cold Climate" and you can watch it on Youtube. smokey nj Mar 2013 #224

Like legitimate rape? Politicub Mar 2013 #280

Interesting dilema Ruby the Liberal Mar 2013 #2

She was raped, and forced by law in 1964 to give birth REP Mar 2013 #41

+1 idwiyo Mar 2013 #76

I understand that Dorian Gray Mar 2013 #92

But once she became aware of the circumstances and of the fact that her tblue37 Mar 2013 #250

and suggesting she should have "gotten (herself) help"? Iris Mar 2013 #273

Any donor in this situation must have their right remain anonymous preserved. Dawson Leery Mar 2013 #3

She wrote a book about it Ruby the Liberal Mar 2013 #4

the fact that she is no longer anonymous was NOT her choice. clearly, the adoption agency or niyad Mar 2013 #8

I was responding to the post above me Ruby the Liberal Mar 2013 #12

What's with that? BainsBane Mar 2013 #13

did you miss the part that she is no longer anonymous, thanks to penn? once that anonymity niyad Mar 2013 #16

Yes, but I still don't understand BainsBane Mar 2013 #18

Maybe she wanted to share her perspective gollygee Mar 2013 #20

very good point niyad Mar 2013 #24

I suppose nt BainsBane Mar 2013 #37

Who knows Tien1985 Mar 2013 #88

Her relationship with the family she wanted to have JDPriestly Mar 2013 #57

+1 JustAnotherGen Mar 2013 #84

This^^^^^^^ riqster Mar 2013 #102

I wonder if anyone has ever documented suicides get the red out Mar 2013 #106

Exactly. Choice is choice and women need to have their choices respected. I feel sorry for the daugh uppityperson Mar 2013 #112

Absolutely. These women went on to have families who may be unaware duffyduff Mar 2013 #143

The daughter had no right to go beyond making the first attempt. LiberalFighter Mar 2013 #5

Exactly, there are online registries for people who want to find Warpy Mar 2013 #35

No right? me b zola Mar 2013 #187

Good lord, this is a horrible story. ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #6

I am an adoptee who was concieved by rape Marrah_G Mar 2013 #7

I am so glad that your experience was a far more positive one. niyad Mar 2013 #9

It's so good to hear that your Control-Z Mar 2013 #10

I was adopted by a great family Marrah_G Mar 2013 #19

I'm also an adoptee Dorian Gray Mar 2013 #94

I also was an adoptee and done thru a Catholic Agency.... truegrit44 Mar 2013 #25

Oh Marrah, I am so happy for you Hekate Mar 2013 #48

And here is the strangest part Marrah_G Mar 2013 #49

I didn't know we had that in common. Behind the Aegis Mar 2013 #56

~hugs~ Marrah_G Mar 2013 #58

I'm so glad that your search had a positive end. I'm really sad that hers was so negative. Rowdyboy Mar 2013 #60

I think it's pretty neat Marrah_G Mar 2013 #61

That you have such a positive attitude is an enormous tribute to you and your mother and her family. Rowdyboy Mar 2013 #62

I think the ones that deserve the most credit are my parents Marrah_G Mar 2013 #64

I had 4 siblings with 9 nieces and nephews -6 adopted, 3 by birth.... Rowdyboy Mar 2013 #67

As it should be!!! Marrah_G Mar 2013 #68

There is no difference. I don't think my family is particularly weird either, we just love each Rowdyboy Mar 2013 #71

I'm torn on this, to be honest. Hayabusa Mar 2013 #11

The question is, whose decision should it be? The mothers or the daughters? Rowdyboy Mar 2013 #65

The mother's. LWolf Mar 2013 #93

All i can think of is one thing. DevonRex Mar 2013 #170

There was one little girl my mother DESPISED in my class get the red out Mar 2013 #214

Oh my. Things were truly DevonRex Mar 2013 #221

It needs to be both Marrah_G Mar 2013 #274

the way that story was written was so emotionally loaded. the birth mother was made niyad Mar 2013 #14

Huh? Jenoch Mar 2013 #15

How does make any sense? Ilsa Mar 2013 #21

poorly written. she was contacted 15 years ago by the person she had given up for adoption niyad Mar 2013 #22

"Throw the cow over the fence some hay". Jenoch Mar 2013 #26

I noticed that. Very poor writing. nt DevonRex Mar 2013 #172

Very sad situation gollygee Mar 2013 #17

you have stated it very well indeed. niyad Mar 2013 #23

+1 well said lunasun Mar 2013 #27

+1,000,000 n/t duffyduff Mar 2013 #33

Exactly. And no matter the reason- closed should remain closed if that's what she wants bettyellen Mar 2013 #38

No one is trying to force her to have a relationship me b zola Mar 2013 #183

The woman is 65 years old...leave her in peace. Maybe Elaine could volunteer to help... Tikki Mar 2013 #28

Closed adoption should mean closed dsc Mar 2013 #29

But you would agree with adoption registries, right? pnwmom Mar 2013 #30

purely voluntary ones yes dsc Mar 2013 #34

No! Closed is closed. If such a birth mother changes her mind, she does it... TheMadMonk Mar 2013 #36

What is wrong with a completely voluntary adoption registry pnwmom Mar 2013 #44

I believe that each party should be able to leave a message for the other... Hekate Mar 2013 #50

Yes -- that's what an adoption registry is. pnwmom Mar 2013 #72

Absolutely it should be the woman's right. duffyduff Mar 2013 #32

Damned skippy. REP Mar 2013 #40

In the DNA age treestar Mar 2013 #42

that is why you get a list of diseases and the like dsc Mar 2013 #43

Women will be less likely to place for adoption... Samurai_Writer Mar 2013 #268

I would think a woman choosing between abortion and adoption dsc Mar 2013 #270

Surrendering for adoption does NOT equal wanting nothing to do with the child! Samurai_Writer Mar 2013 #272

just look at the replys in this thread dsc Mar 2013 #278

That is not what I said Samurai_Writer Mar 2013 #279

It could happen but birth defects typically do not happen for a one generation close relative thing. uppityperson Mar 2013 #113

It takes more than one generation for intermarriage to cause problems jeff47 Mar 2013 #178

I agree Marrah_G Mar 2013 #52

The daughter needs to leave the mother alone duffyduff Mar 2013 #31

Because the daughter is also an unwilling victim deprived of parents without her Ed Suspicious Mar 2013 #79

The daughter was adopted and had been raised by people who ARE her parents. idwiyo Mar 2013 #81

Absolutely! HangOnKids Mar 2013 #110

Deprived of parents? blueamy66 Mar 2013 #109

Deprived of her parents? HockeyMom Mar 2013 #155

Amen blueamy66 Mar 2013 #168

Now your just being ridiculous and argumentative. Force the mother to marry the rapist father? Ed Suspicious Mar 2013 #192

Please blueamy66 Mar 2013 #193

Nope, but I'm an empathetic human. I don't need to walk a mile in another person's shoes to Ed Suspicious Mar 2013 #195

In this case, you need to walk in my shoes blueamy66 Mar 2013 #223

How else would she have her birth PARENTS? HockeyMom Mar 2013 #202

You have no right to decide whether or not this persons longing to attach with her biological parent Ed Suspicious Mar 2013 #191

Closed means Closed HockeyMom Mar 2013 #199

I acknowledge and respect that. I'm simply stating that the child didn't agree to the closed Ed Suspicious Mar 2013 #206

She needs to acknowledge that her adoptive mother HockeyMom Mar 2013 #245

Thank you Ed me b zola Mar 2013 #186

Sometimes life doesn't lend itself to a satisfying Oprah reunion moment. TwilightGardener Mar 2013 #39

I'm wondering why this is a story? snooper2 Mar 2013 #45

it's a story because the Birth Mother wanted a closed adoption, her info should never have been JI7 Mar 2013 #54

Because the daughter and the bio mom are battling it out pnwmom Mar 2013 #70

is a story cause with the advent of social media, the lies of the adoption industry r being exposed me b zola Mar 2013 #194

This case is the Shadow side of all those "happy reunions" TV loves so much Hekate Mar 2013 #46

I agree Marrah_G Mar 2013 #51

that's fucked up, her info should never have been given out JI7 Mar 2013 #47

If she found out her birth father was dead that means she may have known he raped her birth mother.. Tikki Mar 2013 #53

Good post, totally agree. idwiyo Mar 2013 #80

the daughter sounds like a selfish sack of crap fizzgig Mar 2013 #55

Unfortunately she seems to have inherited Spirochete Mar 2013 #180

I was a victim of a crime years ago. I do not want to have anything to do with applegrove Mar 2013 #66

Why would she want to? MrSlayer Mar 2013 #69

Two of my cousins went looking for their birth parents, neither found anything good. Sen. Walter Sobchak Mar 2013 #73

See my post below JoDog Mar 2013 #97

You don't get your kids taken away by the State of California for not mowing your lawn. Sen. Walter Sobchak Mar 2013 #122

Sounds like my daughter's childhood friend HockeyMom Mar 2013 #161

This is a lie me b zola Mar 2013 #189

Excuse me JoDog Mar 2013 #197

Or maybe Ms Penn should get a clue and think twice before harassing a rape victim. idwiyo Mar 2013 #75

Wow Union Scribe Mar 2013 #77

My opinion about this woman is based on her own actions and words. idwiyo Mar 2013 #78

How much choice did the daughter have again? Did she ask to be the spawn of a hideous crime? Ed Suspicious Mar 2013 #82

Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I stand by what I said. idwiyo Mar 2013 #83

the victim is the woman who was raped in this case JI7 Mar 2013 #86

I think Tien1985 Mar 2013 #89

This message was self-deleted by its author HangOnKids Mar 2013 #121

Adopted child here...through Catholic Charities..... blueamy66 Mar 2013 #85

i have heard most adopted kids don't have much interest in birth parents JI7 Mar 2013 #87

That's exactly how I feel Dorian Gray Mar 2013 #95

Exactly. blueamy66 Mar 2013 #107

You have heard propaganda from the billion dollar infant trade industry me b zola Mar 2013 #190

Infant trade industry? WTF? Marrah_G Mar 2013 #275

I was adopted in 1971 Dorian Gray Mar 2013 #91

My brother is a PI JoDog Mar 2013 #96

She mercuryblues Mar 2013 #98

Thank you. Great post. idwiyo Mar 2013 #108

I'm an adoptee Crepuscular Mar 2013 #99

The daughter is horribly selfish and downright stalkerish. geek tragedy Mar 2013 #100

this quote of kathleen foley's is heartbreaking-- and at the heart of every discussion ever held niyad Mar 2013 #114

And here she has this biological daughter blaming geek tragedy Mar 2013 #118

IMO Mr Dixon Mar 2013 #101

I am an adoptee, and for me, curiosity is not a compelling reason to disrupt another person's life. Heidi Mar 2013 #103

I Agree HangOnKids Mar 2013 #116

This message was self-deleted by its author Heidi Mar 2013 #132

Hugs. idwiyo Mar 2013 #148

This message was self-deleted by its author Heidi Mar 2013 #157

i wish, but I think you mistake me for someone else. idwiyo Mar 2013 #160

This message was self-deleted by its author Heidi Mar 2013 #163

OMG. I adore Call Me Wesley! I read all their posts too! idwiyo Mar 2013 #165

The birth mother should have a right to her privacy also get the red out Mar 2013 #105

Response from another first-mother to this sociopath: me b zola Mar 2013 #115

Sociopath? You gotta be kidding me. Shameful. idwiyo Mar 2013 #117

No, this post is shameful me b zola Mar 2013 #120

I agree, your post is shameful and should be deleted. Please, do it now. idwiyo Mar 2013 #123

The bulk of this thread is what is shameful me b zola Mar 2013 #126

WTF are you talking about? You just called a rape survivor a sociopath. That's shameful. idwiyo Mar 2013 #133

Let me clarify: A 16 year old girl was raped. In 1964. Hekate Mar 2013 #140

The Industry get the red out Mar 2013 #156

And now a bunch of outsiders sound like they are getting their kicks.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #124

Outsiders? me b zola Mar 2013 #128

Yes, outsiders.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #129

The woman you are talking about is NOT a "first mother", please stop calling her that. idwiyo Mar 2013 #135

A pox on you me b zola Mar 2013 #200

You are welcome to hurl any abuse on me. I don't mind. idwiyo Mar 2013 #225

Are you female? Given birth? n/t HangOnKids Mar 2013 #125

I'm a 49 yr old female adoptee who is newly in reunion with my first mother me b zola Mar 2013 #127

Your experience does not give you any right to hurl abuse one someone who doesn't wish anything idwiyo Mar 2013 #136

Adoption is abuse me b zola Mar 2013 #162

So, this woman should have kept the child she did not want to have to start with? idwiyo Mar 2013 #167

Read from this twisted woman's own words, she considered keeping her child me b zola Mar 2013 #174

and exactly where did you see that, because it is certainly NOT in the two linked stories here, niyad Mar 2013 #253

Best of luck to you. Hekate Mar 2013 #169

Your life is not the only life. jeff47 Mar 2013 #184

Wow.... Marrah_G Mar 2013 #277

Not interested after that bit of info. HangOnKids Mar 2013 #166

Of course not me b zola Mar 2013 #176

WTF is this "first mother" crappola? blueamy66 Mar 2013 #264

As much as I empathize with the daughter, you really can't blame the mom Taverner Mar 2013 #119

If you read deeper into the case, the daughter appear to be a real nutter. Xithras Mar 2013 #130

It's becoming clear why that book was written ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #142

Right. What a mess. What a horrible mess. Not surprised about antiabortion/anti adoption. idwiyo Mar 2013 #146

I just checked Amazon for the book & found the reviews were evidently trolled Hekate Mar 2013 #149

If, as a male, I can have an informed opinion on this Shankapotomus Mar 2013 #131

I would imagine so. Bad enough one had to go through it to start with but to be forced to relive ago idwiyo Mar 2013 #139

Got it in one. Thank you, sir. nt Hekate Mar 2013 #150

i have little sympathy for the penn in this case. unblock Mar 2013 #134

It's the mother's decision...the daughter should respect that... joeybee12 Mar 2013 #137

There are lots and lots of comments following the NYDN article about Kathleen Hoy Foley duffyduff Mar 2013 #141

She should at least want to meet her own flesh and blood. beevamp Mar 2013 #145

Enjoy your stay n/t idwiyo Mar 2013 #147

Wow, a non baby-buyer is supposed to be shown the door? me b zola Mar 2013 #177

Can't stand anti-choicers in any way, shape or form. I hope as pro-choice you understand that. idwiyo Mar 2013 #227

They seemed to advocate abortion was preferable to adoption ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #269

One word - batshitcrazy. I had not a slightest idea there are people who seriously advocate that. idwiyo Mar 2013 #271

In 1964 a 16 year old girl was raped. Hekate Mar 2013 #153

When you have a child and give it up for adoption.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #154

Insulting "real parent" get the red out Mar 2013 #158

OK, bad choice of word beevamp Mar 2013 #171

The People Who Raised That Person Are Responsible For Her Existence HangOnKids Mar 2013 #173

Post removed Post removed Mar 2013 #182

Sorry it did not work out for you Hekate Mar 2013 #185

If they are convinced that they never want anything to do with the child me b zola Mar 2013 #188

Uhhhh...abortion was illegal when this child was conceived. Gravitycollapse Mar 2013 #209

At the time she was raped abortion was illegal, and very unsafe Hekate Mar 2013 #217

I'm sorry that you are so very, very angry. ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #201

This message was self-deleted by its author Heidi Mar 2013 #175

That's such bull Dorian Gray Mar 2013 #243

No she is not me b zola Mar 2013 #179

That is one of the most appalling statements I have ever read on this board. Hekate Mar 2013 #181

Try growing up knowing that your mother wanted you me b zola Mar 2013 #198

I do not have a problem with blaming institutions for wrongs get the red out Mar 2013 #203

I'm sorry you had that experience Dorian Gray Mar 2013 #244

You disgust me get the red out Mar 2013 #196

Ah, you must be an adopter me b zola Mar 2013 #207

48, married, no kids get the red out Mar 2013 #208

This message was self-deleted by its author Heidi Mar 2013 #159

This message was self-deleted by its author HangOnKids Mar 2013 #205

That is her mother by genetics only. Gravitycollapse Mar 2013 #204

Plenty of women reject their own children. Plenty of women cause horror for those they birthed. haele Mar 2013 #211

Thank you Haele. That's reality. That's the truth. Hekate Mar 2013 #218

Thank you for this post. idwiyo Mar 2013 #230

This thread has devolved into a horrifying mess by 1 poster. xchrom Mar 2013 #210

Is this a common problem? I can't believe what I'm reading in here. Gravitycollapse Mar 2013 #212

I truly feel sorry for that poster ProudToBeBlueInRhody Mar 2013 #216

welcome to DU--some topics seem to cause some posters to go completely off the rails niyad Mar 2013 #254

I wish I could rec this post. smokey nj Mar 2013 #215

Me too. Oh heck, let's just affirm that we are rec'cing this post. Hekate Mar 2013 #219

I'm rec'cin' this post, dammit! smokey nj Mar 2013 #220

I know of at least one real life story that is complicated... Phentex Mar 2013 #226

Biology can make you a mother or a father HockeyMom Mar 2013 #213

Some Facts for Your Consideration Priscilla Sharp Mar 2013 #228

while I do not doubt for a minute what your saying here azurnoir Mar 2013 #229

One cannot prove the negative. Priscilla Sharp Mar 2013 #232

I read was was at the link, you're not proving your case. smokey nj Mar 2013 #234

wow well okay azurnoir Mar 2013 #238

and having read that page, we are supposed to. . .what? hate this woman who was violated niyad Mar 2013 #255

Not taking your word for it, sorry. smokey nj Mar 2013 #231

please cite links, actual, reliable, links to your assertions. otherwise, we can assume what we niyad Mar 2013 #233

You created an account here to post that drivel and expect I should just believe you? idwiyo Mar 2013 #235

Who are you and what is your relationship to this? gollygee Mar 2013 #237

...... smokey nj Mar 2013 #239

I see gollygee Mar 2013 #240

Sure does seem that way. smokey nj Mar 2013 #241

A Catholic Social Services form from the 1960s would mention an incident of rape? theinquisitivechad Mar 2013 #242

Yes, actually Priscilla Sharp Mar 2013 #247

Utter nonsense. No Catholic Charities form from a closed adoption in 1964 msanthrope Mar 2013 #249

care to share the names of those 400 cases. this isn't asking you to prove a negative, but niyad Mar 2013 #261

Stop it. Just bloody stop it. If you had one ounce of integrity you would NOT have stalked this idwiyo Mar 2013 #263

I think you are posting this everywhere FreeState Mar 2013 #248

Yes, here's my review Priscilla Sharp Mar 2013 #251

the only "dark demons weighing her down" appear to be those who think it is their business niyad Mar 2013 #256

This is extremely disingenuous of you Gravitycollapse Mar 2013 #259

Stay away from me, "search angel" blueamy66 Mar 2013 #265

I know, I read those comments--unimaginably vile, for the most part. niyad Mar 2013 #257

Thank you. I read some of them. It's stalking and character assassination. These new poster idwiyo Mar 2013 #258

I want to know who at catholic charities gave penn that information and why we are not seeing niyad Mar 2013 #236

I read something similar that happened to another rape victim some years ago... cynatnite Mar 2013 #252

I have to take the Mom's side on this. GreenStormCloud Mar 2013 #267

I am pro-choice but sometimes the posts I read on here are so sterile liberal_at_heart Mar 2013 #276

I think I identify most with your post. stevenleser Mar 2013 #281