General Discussion

Hekate

(100,133 posts)

10. It's a little power-trip. A little feels good, more feels better, and if no one stops it...

Tue May 21, 2013, 08:09 PM

May 2013

... the results are not pretty. You can end up with a prototypical "mean girl."

With some children, you can talk about empathy and so forth until you are blue in the face -- but sometimes they literally have to walk in the other person's shoes for awhile, not just be told about it. Or in this case, the other person's unfashionable clothing.

With bullies, the first order of business is to make them stop it. Then you can explore their personal issues at your leisure.

I am referring to social bullying, not the physical stuff. You can't punch a kid who is punching other kids -- that is another kettle of fish and I don't have any answers except the primary one: first order of business, make them stop victimizing other kids.

I think the mother in question is spot-on.

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Woman forces stepdaughter to wear dowdy thrift store clothes as punishment for bullying [View all] Liberal_in_LA May 2013 OP

I like this lesson; she won't forget it. nt babylonsister May 2013 #1

Message auto-removed Name removed May 2013 #85

Welcome to DU and please dump the caps lock as it is yelling and not good manners. Thanks uppityperson May 2013 #90

CAPS LOCK MEANS IT'S IMPORTANT rugger1869 May 2013 #141

What? TYPE LOUDER, PLEASE! ChairmanAgnostic May 2013 #205

What...forget how shallow she is? burnodo May 2013 #176

What do I think? NYC_SKP May 2013 #2

So... what would you do, then? dogknob May 2013 #7

One thing would be to share factual stories about victims of bullying. NYC_SKP May 2013 #8

walking in other people's shoes is not a bad thing! I suppor the Mother. robinlynne May 2013 #27

Me, too customerserviceguy May 2013 #77

I would call this education. Marr May 2013 #70

She did educate the girl... Pelican May 2013 #105

And we know that because....???? NYC_SKP May 2013 #106

Well, if you are just going to state that things in the article are lies... Pelican May 2013 #108

I guess I suffer from being a member of the professional educational community. NYC_SKP May 2013 #111

So... Mr. X May 2013 #126

Wow... Pelican May 2013 #128

you speak for the entire "professional" educational community? snooper2 May 2013 #184

So go find someone else in the community who thinks differently. NYC_SKP May 2013 #193

Well you just put the invite out on the World Wide Web snooper2 May 2013 #197

Meantime, please read replies #150 and #165... NYC_SKP May 2013 #198

So you don't think it's a good lesson for people to walk in another persons shoes snooper2 May 2013 #199

Hence, we must place the same amount of skepticism on the crux of the story itself... LanternWaste May 2013 #177

That might not work jmowreader May 2013 #156

Who cares about the victims of bullies? JustABozoOnThisBus May 2013 #166

And here's another one I love to death.... NYC_SKP May 2013 #13

That was not horrible, but also not good. Buzz Clik May 2013 #18

But it was definitely funny. cui bono May 2013 #49

That it was. And the poor girl had to live with those pics for a week. Buzz Clik May 2013 #57

Yeah. I'm undecided about the whole thing but I definitely think putting this out to the media cui bono May 2013 #63

ROFL malaise May 2013 #56

Don't they look like Joan Cusack and Kevin James? NYC_SKP May 2013 #62

Yep - the daughter must have loved that malaise May 2013 #71

Love it, sometimes you have to think out of the box to get a teen's attention. dem in texas May 2013 #59

Message auto-removed Name removed May 2013 #100

Welcome to DU, Jimmiesue and dem in texas! calimary May 2013 #130

Damn, that was funny customerserviceguy May 2013 #80

OMG!! That's freakin' hilarious!!! Little bit of genius, too, I think! calimary May 2013 #129

Let the father or the girl's mother handle it. pnwmom May 2013 #88

I'd say that depends on the circumstances. MoonchildCA May 2013 #119

Welcome to DU, MoonchildCA! calimary May 2013 #134

In a case like this, my step-daughter's mother would have encouraged the bullying - haele May 2013 #230

It's a little power-trip. A little feels good, more feels better, and if no one stops it... Hekate May 2013 #10

+1000!! FirstLight May 2013 #30

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter BrotherIvan May 2013 #181

I agree VA_Jill May 2013 #237

From some of the other fourth grade children, perhaps. Mariana May 2013 #12

Doesn't it reinforce the idea loyalsister May 2013 #14

Yes, it does. And that clothes are so important. NYC_SKP May 2013 #15

My question was not a contesting one; I actually wanted to know what you would do. dogknob May 2013 #28

Add to it that when Bullies get burned and they know who got them burned... Lady Freedom Returns May 2013 #31

Exactly! The punishment is apt to make the bullied girl even more a target. Luminous Animal May 2013 #131

Of course she is. And she will feel entirely justified vanlassie May 2013 #135

I think we can look at it in another way. it reinforces the idea to be grateful for what you robinlynne May 2013 #89

"it reinforces the idea to be grateful for what you have" loyalsister May 2013 #218

understood. But we were dealing with a bully. Walk a mile in my shoes actually works. robinlynne May 2013 #222

Working within the disability community loyalsister May 2013 #224

Nope... defacto7 May 2013 #116

That may be what it says to you loyalsister May 2013 #157

You could be right... defacto7 May 2013 #212

Sometimes kids just do dumb stuff and Ed Suspicious May 2013 #53

sounds like the mother bullied her step-daughter into embaressing herself. leftyohiolib May 2013 #61

Quite appropriate. silverweb May 2013 #3

Good job, mom! LeftofObama May 2013 #4

i think a lot of these punishments and how effective they are depend on the person JI7 May 2013 #5

When I was a kid, I stole some quarters from my Dad. he held a "trial" in the back yard. All the robinlynne May 2013 #92

I like it. She made her step-daughter walk in the other girl's shoes, Ilsa May 2013 #6

I hope she learned that clothes don't make the person loyalsister May 2013 #16

She tried talking. I wonder if she could have tried something else before msanthrope May 2013 #9

Punishment fits the crime? I suppose. Telling the story to the TV machine? Not so much. n/t lumberjack_jeff May 2013 #11

+1 n/t pnwmom May 2013 #87

Agree. Bragging about to the press is where it becomes a problem for me. n/t Dawgs May 2013 #204

Seriously. I want to wear your grandma's hand-me-downs. Buzz Clik May 2013 #17

This is fucking awesome! nt Lisa0825 May 2013 #66

+1 Buzz Clik May 2013 #69

LOL!!! calimary May 2013 #139

You'd look incredible! lunasun May 2013 #82

LOL! reformist2 May 2013 #91

I don't care for it Skittles May 2013 #19

Looks like you and i are in the minority, here. NYC_SKP May 2013 #22

my parents grew up poor Skittles May 2013 #23

Humiliation? Xithras May 2013 #26

you are completely missing the point Skittles May 2013 #32

No, I'm really not. Xithras May 2013 #46

Well said, and very clearly and nicely explained. Moonwalk May 2013 #99

If there is nothing humiliating about it, then why use the clothes as a punishment? Luminous Animal May 2013 #136

Perhaps the clothes were a reward Lurker Deluxe May 2013 #187

You said you were straight laced? Sounds more like... Bay Boy May 2013 #221

With our kids, it was: "if you act like a jerk, you're gonna get treated like a jerk." calimary May 2013 #142

What does that mean? You acted like a jerk back to them? (Honest, I am confused.) Luminous Animal May 2013 #145

Great answer. woo me with science May 2013 #34

Yup. NYC_SKP May 2013 #40

because they like what they perceive to be "quick, easy fixes" Skittles May 2013 #96

ineffective? LiberalLovinLug May 2013 #214

Depending on age, requiring work could create Ilsa May 2013 #76

in your own words > making you work with the poor as a volunteer against your will is "bullying". KittyWampus May 2013 #120

There is a difference Ms. Toad May 2013 #137

if a kid is a bully, why would volunteering make poor people any more 'real' to them than the HiPointDem May 2013 #159

Negligent Mother Magazine, sponsored by Sparties, The All Day Diaper .... Scuba May 2013 #35

National Lampoon. NYC_SKP May 2013 #38

Yeah, that's what I remembered, too! customerserviceguy May 2013 #83

I got your cover of the magazine and the Sparta ad rightch here: NYC_SKP May 2013 #104

In what way is it bullying? Xithras May 2013 #24

there are BETTER WAYS to teach such lessons Skittles May 2013 #25

The OP asked for alternate solutions. nt tsuki May 2013 #39

I cant think of a better way. robinlynne May 2013 #93

Walking a mile in someone else's shoes shawn703 May 2013 #170

I think that Niceguy1 May 2013 #232

The mom said that she picked out the clothes specifically to embarrass the girl. An adult Luminous Animal May 2013 #147

Not bullying. sibelian May 2013 #158

A parent making a kid feeling bad about doing something wrong, in order to teach a life lesson. Heywood J May 2013 #190

Most punishment involves embarrassment lbrtbell May 2013 #225

It's not the same thing Major Nikon May 2013 #227

I guess parents should never take their whistler162 May 2013 #235

I agree with you and thank you for speaking out. I am very much against bullying, but, as you rhett o rick May 2013 #37

It doesn't. n/t MerryBlooms May 2013 #48

I do not understand how you see that trying to teach a child empathy pennylane100 May 2013 #79

+1000 nt abelenkpe May 2013 #101

As someone at the link points out, the girl learned sympathy for the bullied girl Gormy Cuss May 2013 #103

Message auto-removed Name removed May 2013 #107

I don't have a problem with the punishment at all. lumberjack_jeff May 2013 #118

Agree 100% (nt) Sissyk May 2013 #185

Funny, back in 1954, I was a 4th grade girl and was pushed by bullies (girls) enough May 2013 #20

how are most forms of punishment = to bullying? HiPointDem May 2013 #160

I have to say I find the equivalance baffling. sibelian May 2013 #213

Hello sebilan. A bit late to respond to your post here, but I do want to say enough May 2013 #239

Hi HiPoint Dem. I have to say that remembering back to when I was a parent of enough May 2013 #238

I think she's a better mother than most "real" mothers Yo_Mama May 2013 #21

that's the way i picture everyone dressing in Utah Enrique May 2013 #29

Good Guess!! moonbeam23 May 2013 #54

I'm not comfortable with this. Public humiliation of people is just not a a good way to go cali May 2013 #33

Several people have said this, but none have offered what these better ways are. nt Demo_Chris May 2013 #42

The hell we haven't. (nt) NYC_SKP May 2013 #173

So far YOU have offered the following suggestions: Demo_Chris May 2013 #208

I see you accept the shallow premise of appearance. True for our culture, which is doomed. NYC_SKP May 2013 #229

I accept reality as it is. Demo_Chris May 2013 #231

Why are used clothes humiliating? Isn't that the point? robinlynne May 2013 #94

Just another reason why schools should have uniforms SoCalDem May 2013 #36

Son had uniforms, and believe me, there was not that much difference between tsuki May 2013 #41

and since kids love to gripe about them,. it creates a common "thread" SoCalDem May 2013 #44

Our elementery and middle schools have uniforms. hunter May 2013 #50

And no one feels any stigma when exchanges pop up for out-grown uniforms SoCalDem May 2013 #51

Seems like an exceptional solution to me. nt Demo_Chris May 2013 #43

Which is another reason why kids should wear uniforms. Cleita May 2013 #45

Both my kids were in uniforms. SUPERB idea. A great equalizer. calimary May 2013 #144

Mom is not trying to HURT her daughter... perdita9 May 2013 #47

Maybe, but I think she could have just talked to her daughter about SoCalDem May 2013 #52

Did you read the article? joeglow3 May 2013 #67

Are there people who don't believe that kids should have no punishment at all? Yavin4 May 2013 #55

Apparently, making the kid wear clothes she doesn't like Mariana May 2013 #95

Maybe the daughter should have had to give up her favorite clothes to the victim. n/t eggplant May 2013 #58

Or invite the family over for dinner Puzzledtraveller May 2013 #189

There's a thought. Yes. vanlassie May 2013 #192

I don't know. HappyMe May 2013 #195

Nothing wrong with the Thrift Store. alphafemale May 2013 #60

It's good the parent cares enough to try *something.* DirkGently May 2013 #64

I can't lie TxDemChem May 2013 #65

Good for the mother. Apophis May 2013 #68

She looks like she's one of santorum's kids... Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #72

I think it was the perfect thing to do A Little Weird May 2013 #73

She purchased clothes she "knew Ally would be vanlassie May 2013 #74

Idiot stepmother. Bullies have self-esteem issues. Way to make it worse. Gravitycollapse May 2013 #75

no, they don't necessarily have self-esteem issues. HiPointDem May 2013 #161

I agree with stepmother for three reasons: kiva May 2013 #78

That works for me. I think stepmom did all right. Nay May 2013 #81

I'd go one step further customerserviceguy May 2013 #84

Message auto-removed Name removed May 2013 #110

speaking of right and wrong choices... Kali May 2013 #113

Why is the stepmother handling this instead of the girl's father or mother? pnwmom May 2013 #86

Sometimes stepparents raise their stepchildren Mariana May 2013 #97

This fact that this stepparent decided to make a public spectacle pnwmom May 2013 #109

This is a fourth grader. She's a little girl. vanlassie May 2013 #98

not always, sometimes it takes something bad happening to someone JI7 May 2013 #115

Shes ten years old. You are comparing her to an adult. vanlassie May 2013 #121

that's why something like this might be more effective than some argument JI7 May 2013 #148

Yes. A 10 year old girl deserves to be humiliated on a grand scale to "teach her a lesson". Luminous Animal May 2013 #149

well i see it as opposite, i don't think they are that embarrassing JI7 May 2013 #154

The mom stated that she forced the girl to wear clothes that would embarrass her. Luminous Animal May 2013 #155

according to the kid, she learned a lesson. HiPointDem May 2013 #162

I think the school has a problem, too NewJeffCT May 2013 #217

Funny thing is, almost everybody who gets out of jail or prison says that Downtown Hound May 2013 #234

How many times is she going to force her to wear frumpy clothes?! Quantess May 2013 #102

You go Mom! dlwickham May 2013 #112

2nd dress would be cute if you remove the puffy sleeves JI7 May 2013 #114

It's not only good... defacto7 May 2013 #117

She specifically said she chose clothes that would embarrass the daughter. vanlassie May 2013 #122

Because she would or should be embarrased? defacto7 May 2013 #123

She shouldn't be embarrassed? vanlassie May 2013 #125

No, she shouldn't be embarrassed. defacto7 May 2013 #138

There's a lotta "shoulds" in there! But we are talking about vanlassie May 2013 #143

No pontification here that I know of. defacto7 May 2013 #210

Embarrassment often instills humility against our own will. LanternWaste May 2013 #178

+1 Shrek May 2013 #180

Not a bad course of action, I suppose. AverageJoe90 May 2013 #124

I think the punishment fits the crime. Jasana May 2013 #127

I think the punishment is, more likely than not, going to make the bullied girl even more Luminous Animal May 2013 #133

It's possible Luminous Animal... Jasana May 2013 #140

the kid says otherwise, though. HiPointDem May 2013 #163

I don't know about the kids you know Tien1985 May 2013 #172

Humiliation will scar for life The Second Stone May 2013 #132

Agreed. Except we don't teach empathy. We create it with our treatment of our children vanlassie May 2013 #146

Humiliation is a poor teaching tool The Second Stone May 2013 #201

Kid mocks unfashionable clothes. Mom forces kid to wear unfashionable clothes so people can mock her Luminous Animal May 2013 #150

+1 Tien1985 May 2013 #171

The problem that I have with this punishment... LeftishBrit May 2013 #151

I do have to ask where is the concern for the bullied girl? BrotherIvan May 2013 #152

+1. it's funny, they're all concerned that the bully may be traumatized by experiencing what HiPointDem May 2013 #164

Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny, too. nt Nay May 2013 #240

I grew up wearing dowdy thrift store clothes because we were dirt poor Recursion May 2013 #153

Wrong lesson. Tien1985 May 2013 #165

yours is the only reasonable counter-argument so far. HiPointDem May 2013 #174

I think the biggest objection is that this ended up on the internet BrotherIvan May 2013 #183

Parents of bullies don't get this type of scrutiny when they do nothing. n/t rucky May 2013 #167

These parents Tien1985 May 2013 #168

that is a VERY good point renate May 2013 #236

Personally Dorian Gray May 2013 #169

And when this exercise in "empathy" is finished loyalsister May 2013 #175

I am amused by the number of people here who are so concerned about poor little Kaylee. Sheldon Cooper May 2013 #179

I agree. HappyMe May 2013 #191

I don't know the stepmother or the child, so I can't really comment MineralMan May 2013 #182

I think I see a mother who cares and is trying. NCTraveler May 2013 #186

This will only reinforce the prejudice the child already has Puzzledtraveller May 2013 #188

Or maybe not -- if her parents ask her questions like: "Are you a totally different person Nay May 2013 #241

Laptop dad, too red-haired girl, thift-shop bully siligut May 2013 #194

I can't see how publicly humiliating a kid is beneficial... cynatnite May 2013 #196

Well, it's not, of course. NYC_SKP May 2013 #200

Thanks. n/t cynatnite May 2013 #202

Watched the video. Think more than ever that the stepmom represents the worst of our culture. NYC_SKP May 2013 #203

The child lacks empathy. This may be one way to instill some in her. n/t Triana May 2013 #206

I may be old fashioned but gopiscrap May 2013 #207

Awesome job, Mom! dbackjon May 2013 #209

Excellent parenting LittleBlue May 2013 #211

Very cool vintage clothes, where can I get the red jumpsuit? firehorse May 2013 #215

It's brilliant. The kid won't forget this lesson, that's for sure. Arkana May 2013 #216

I'm always uncomfortable about a strategy that involves embarrassing a child. Chemisse May 2013 #219

I'm not into kid shaming. n/t Gore1FL May 2013 #220

good lesson - I hope she was teased....this one hits close to home.... CarrieLynne May 2013 #223

Shame based punishments are ineffective Major Nikon May 2013 #226

The punishment was appropriate but the step mother should not have administered it Hamlette May 2013 #228

Offhand, I'd say this wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't national news Downtown Hound May 2013 #233