Again, I played God Today...... (my Mom) [View all]

[Bennyboy]

The doctors have been pressuring me to take her off of the antibiotics and pull her feeding tube. they expect her to pass within a the next couple of days.

If you remember three weeks ago I was faced with a similar dilemma in regards to her breathing tube. but she pulled it herself and seemed for a couple of days to be getting better. But she then got worse and has been getting worse every day. blood pressure lower, fluid buildup (she wrapped head to toe in gauze now).

So today I made the decision to stop that. I tired to call my brother twice but he has not returned my calls. he is an asshole anyway. He actually sent her a big old package of stuff that is now only going to be a pain in my ass. He knew she could not read, or even stay awake long enough or use a knitted afghan, but I guess he needs to assuage his guilt and that is his way. I wrote him a letter that if he wants the things he mentioned he wanted, and the crap he mailed me on Monday, he can send me a check for 1,000 dollars.

I do have a question however, what is my obligation here? Do I make sure I am there for the bitter end as I was for my dad and wished ever since that I wasn't? Or do I go in say goodbye, tell her I love her, hold her hand (tomorrow...again for like the 20th time this month) and then leave and don't look back and wait for the phone call??? It was next to impossible with my dad and I don't think I will ever want to witness that again, family or no family.

I have also decided to walk away from everything here with the exception of my posters. I don't want, nor can I , move it anywhere. Not allowed to have a garage sale. Went through that CL thing before when we moved here and it was a complete waste of time in every sense of the word.

So too bad for the apartment people, they are gonna deal with a lot of crap, but I am not going to deal with it and sure as hell can't take it with me, because I have no place to go. You can only fit so much stuff in a minivan you know.