RNC to Suspend Presidential Primaries, Introduce New Logo [View all]

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March 7th, 2012

A visibly haggard Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus emerged from a closed-door emergency meeting of the RNC’s Executive Council this afternoon and announced to the crowd gathered outside the meeting room the immediate suspension of his party’s 2012 Presidential primaries.

Word of the announcement spread like wildfire as several of the lunchtime throng seated in the main dining room of the Whitewater, Wisconsin Applebee’s realized that the seemingly disoriented individual who had just emerged from the restaurant’s banquet room to disturb their midday meal was no ordinary rambling lunatic, and apparently something important was afoot. While several took to Twitter and Facebook to document their presence at this unprecedented, historic event, another called a local newspaper to suggest they send a reporter.

“I honestly couldn’t believe my luck — this is probably the best scoop I’ll get all year,” said Skippy Fartbuster, editor-in-chief of the Whitewater Central High Weekly Bugle, who took the call.

In a Fartbuster exclusive, Priebus explained RNC strategy going forward:

“In recent weeks, it has become increasingly clear that our chances of reclaiming the White House this election cycle continue to diminish as our primary season — with its ‘scorched earth’ atmosphere — pollutes the political waters beyond reclamation. And as we’re firmly against imposing any regulations to curb this or any other kind of pollution for that matter, we’ve determined that — for the good of the Party — in this case our best move is to ‘throw out the babies with the bathwater’. We will not run a candidate against President Obama. The Executive Council feels — and I concur — that our resources are best employed preserving our majority in state houses and the House of Representatives, and gaining a majority in the Senate, allowing us to keep our momentum at the state level and maintain the current gridlock in Washington to ensure that nothing happens between now and 2016 when we won’t have to face an incumbent. By then, hopefully we can convince more distinguished and electable candidates, such as Paul Ryan, ‘Joe the Plumber’, ‘Jeb the Bush’, or ‘The Husky Hunk’ — Chris Christie — to run. The nation deserves a President who will curb what we see as the runaway trend of rights being exploited by groups such as public employees, women, and minority voters. If we can’t give them one now, then will do all in our power to give them one four years from now.”

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