General Discussion

Rex

(65,616 posts)

43. Sounds like you've enabled yourself into not being a parent.

Wed Nov 27, 2013, 03:11 PM

Nov 2013

You sound more like a slave to the holidays and 'good cheer' others get from your hard work. Am I to understand that the kids never bring anything (presets, food, drinks, anything?) no wonder you feel depressed!

Don't be a slave for others, even your kids. From what I've experienced in life, everyone enjoys being together more when they all bring something to the table. Even if that is just setting the table getting out gifts (that THEY brought) and placing them around the tree etc..

Tell your grown children to bring a dish! And would it hurt them to give mom and dad a good long hug and say how much they appreciate you two for being their parents?

Sulking in the bottle doesn't help, been there.

If you have a heart to heart talk with your kids, they might learn something that never crossed their minds. To them, you two being together with them defaults into making you happy and you need more than validation from them...you need them to do their part and they will be happier in the long run.

Take it from someone that has to go to a few 'holiday family parties' every year, kids will be kids. Remind them of family.

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Is it appropriate to make your grown children fend for themselves during the holidays? [View all] cynatnite Nov 2013 OP

Why don't you tell them to bring a dish? tammywammy Nov 2013 #1

It sure would be nice if they would think to ask if they could bring something... cynatnite Nov 2013 #3

I understand what you're saying. tammywammy Nov 2013 #12

You should communicate this to them Lisa D Nov 2013 #14

+1000 GreenPartyVoter Nov 2013 #26

I understand where you're coming from wanting them to know without having to be told. antigone382 Nov 2013 #20

You have just joined the I raised entitled children club elehhhhna Nov 2013 #23

They are used to you doing it all. roody Nov 2013 #45

If she is giving gifts to her in-laws and not you.... cbdo2007 Nov 2013 #55

You're expecting them to read your mind Lydia Leftcoast Nov 2013 #73

Seriously just tell kids what you want Generic Other Nov 2013 #85

Family buffet jberryhill Nov 2013 #2

The time has definitely come for your kids (the eldest usually, I don't know why but that's what monmouth3 Nov 2013 #4

"Appropriate"? I'm of the "Do what you want!" ilk. Drink that wine! WinkyDink Nov 2013 #5

I'm with you. llmart Nov 2013 #84

Say something to them. Wait Wut Nov 2013 #6

Well, enlightenment Nov 2013 #7

I second the motion -- go on the road with your hubby and have a great holiday! LuckyLib Nov 2013 #59

Talk to them. Explain how you feel. renie408 Nov 2013 #8

Our children are grown Lisa D Nov 2013 #9

I've always enjoyed doing this until this year... cynatnite Nov 2013 #16

I understand. Lisa D Nov 2013 #24

Sometimes kids feel they *have* to do something (like give gifts) tblue37 Nov 2013 #63

How did you miss teaching them basic manners? IdaBriggs Nov 2013 #10

This is why I think we've done too much and now we're seeing the results of it. n/t cynatnite Nov 2013 #17

I suspect that she didn't miss teaching them basic mannners. They are still in a child-parent mode FSogol Nov 2013 #29

My kids are six and excited about "helping out". IdaBriggs Nov 2013 #86

Gotta start assigning something for everyone to bring. FSogol Nov 2013 #11

That's what I would do. Lugnut Nov 2013 #19

After the meal ask specific individuals to help clear the table, wash and dry the dishes. bettyellen Nov 2013 #42

If you do this, though, please don't just ask the women Arugula Latte Nov 2013 #66

Oh no. Lugnut Nov 2013 #69

My mom could have made this post. But I would say... ecstatic Nov 2013 #13

At your brunch, suggest that your children take turns hosting Thanksgiving in the future 1monster Nov 2013 #15

when you give, you cannot expect recompense or reward FatBuddy Nov 2013 #18

show them this post warrior1 Nov 2013 #21

i took over cooking for my mom a few years ago. they still pay for the groceries La Lioness Priyanka Nov 2013 #22

The books and movies of this scenario are a plenty…You have two choices..you already know this.. Tikki Nov 2013 #25

Before dinner you should drink a bottle of wine XemaSab Nov 2013 #27

LOL, that sounds like a fun dinner! n/t Blaukraut Nov 2013 #50

That is awesome! ellie Nov 2013 #54

Our grown up kids have liked creating their own "family traditions" SoCalDem Nov 2013 #28

This times 1000! PassingFair Nov 2013 #65

Kids yeoman6987 Nov 2013 #30

"Stop the pity party?" Wow, nasty much? MADem Nov 2013 #39

Right. Just buck up and be the good Control-Z Nov 2013 #41

Harsh! missingthebigdog Nov 2013 #46

maybe they are only coming over to TAKE TAKE TAKE , would they come over if they JI7 Nov 2013 #74

These are things to say TO your children. Lex Nov 2013 #31

A bottle? Buy a box! Quantess Nov 2013 #32

People are sometimes cluesless, but they can learn A Little Weird Nov 2013 #33

We would love to have our children home for the holidays liberal N proud Nov 2013 #34

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your head. Tierra_y_Libertad Nov 2013 #35

Tell them you have no desire to keep up the tradition and that they upaloopa Nov 2013 #36

Here is what you tell them. In an EMAIL..... MADem Nov 2013 #37

Yes erpowers Nov 2013 #38

I think you should have a bad headache tomorrow and let them fend for themselves. nt valerief Nov 2013 #40

Sounds like you've enabled yourself into not being a parent. Rex Nov 2013 #43

I'm shocked they've never bought you christmas or birthday gifts.... cbdo2007 Nov 2013 #44

I buy my mom birthday presents, send her flowers and cards for Valentine's Day... peace13 Nov 2013 #48

and in this case she is giving gifts to the in laws but not her own parents JI7 Nov 2013 #75

Even when my stepfather had Alzheimer's, even when my mother was 89 and feeble Lydia Leftcoast Nov 2013 #77

I suggest keeping the plans for the brunch and.. peace13 Nov 2013 #47

Mama if I were you I'd head to Starbucks TBF Nov 2013 #49

Donate the food to a pantry and tell the kids 'Sorry, mom's diner is closed this year' Blaukraut Nov 2013 #51

I don't have children but I will tell you what my mom did ellie Nov 2013 #52

^^^ This^^^ I'm the daughter who took over the holidays from my mom riderinthestorm Nov 2013 #68

Get through this year with smiles and wine elfin Nov 2013 #53

Tell them, but non-confrontationally mainer Nov 2013 #56

Be open and honest. laundry_queen Nov 2013 #57

Change the word mercuryblues Nov 2013 #58

My childhood holidays were often times of family warfare. hunter Nov 2013 #60

I live in a whole different world. LWolf Nov 2013 #61

Some people just don't do clues, and distance exacerbates that. eridani Nov 2013 #62

Okay... Chan790 Nov 2013 #64

I can understand a teenager wanting to play video games, WorseBeforeBetter Nov 2013 #67

You tell them you're not cooking this year. notadmblnd Nov 2013 #70

My grown children are in other states Blue_In_AK Nov 2013 #71

you have done more than enough and they are taking advantage of it JI7 Nov 2013 #72

I tell my kids, "I love you. Come home." Agnosticsherbet Nov 2013 #76

Under the circumstances, I'd tell them to stay home. Warpy Nov 2013 #78

Message auto-removed Name removed Nov 2013 #79

Tell them it is their turn. MicaelS Nov 2013 #80

tell them how you feel fizzgig Nov 2013 #81

My kids are pipi_k Nov 2013 #82

If YOU don't want to do it, don't. If you need gratitude to make it worthwhile, don't do it. ehrnst Nov 2013 #83