Is it appropriate to make your grown children fend for themselves during the holidays?

[laundry_queen]

57. Be open and honest.

Let them know how you feel.

Tell them it's getting harder and that you would appreciate some help. Delegate things out - don't expect them to read your mind. What is it you want the most help with? Dishes? Then announce a new rule that the cook doesn't have to clean up. If you want help with dessert, ask someone to bring something. Say, "I'm not doing any pies this year - can someone pick something up or make something? That would be great, thanks." You can't assume that people can read your mind. My mom does that, then gets pissed when we haven't guessed what she would like (For the record, my brother and I do bring dishes to the meal, and we all help clean up after. My mom just hates doing any of it, but insists on having it at her house. I cooked most of it last year when I lived there and this year - I'm Canadian so Thanksgiving was last month - my parents took off on a vacation, lol, so I cooked it this year too). Anyway, it's important to make your needs known, and that you expect more.

As for the gift giving, that's something that should've been taught a long time ago. Growing up, my dad would take us shopping to get my mom something, and my mom would take us shopping to get my dad something. Then when we got old enough to shop ourselves, it was, "What are you getting dad/mom this year?" Perhaps you could start it by saying, "Dad would really like X this year - perhaps you could all get together and get him that nice gift?" Get your husband to do the same, maybe adding, "we should get mom something nice for all the work she does for us on the holidays."

The bottom line is your kids are doing this because you allow them to. You don't let them know how you feel and you expect them to just know what to do. Also, it's hard to break the 'do nothing' habit if they've never been required to do anything. Even as a kid I was expected to clean my plate off and put it in the dishwasher, then help dry dishes, on Christmas or Thanksgiving. As a teen I was expected to help wash and chop vegetables and maybe cook a dish on my own. This Thanksgiving I asked my teens to help out and my 13 year old decided to make the pumpkin pies (that turned out wonderfully). My 16 year old decided to clean up afterwards - which is her normal chore anyway. If your kids have never had to do that, then they wouldn't know where to start, and this is why you must delegate while being open and honest about your feelings.

If there's anything I've learned about being a parent is that kids do NOT pick things up by osmosis most of the time - they must be taught. Some things that are clearly obvious to us are NOT obvious to them. It's why you must begin to be more assertive about your wants and needs - you are now teaching them how to appreciate the work that goes into big celebrations. It's not too late

Oh, and I agree with the person who said it's also time to let your own expectations of yourself go a little. You don't need a 41-course meal and a spotless, perfectly decorated house with the perfect gift for everyone to make a holiday memorable. Find a way to let go of some of the expectations you have placed upon yourself so you can enjoy the holidays too - you deserve it.