Is it appropriate to make your grown children fend for themselves during the holidays?

[Chan790]

64. Okay...

Let's address the main concerns here separately. In addition, your kids are spoiled but there's nothing that can be done big picture today that doesn't ruin the holidays. Wait until the new year and set them straight that this (2014) year one is hosting Thanksgiving and the other is hosting Christmas and the boy is getting off the damned game-console and helping his sisters with the holidays. They have a year to get over it and figure things out. Offer to bring the one thing they all actually like...like the family stuffing or pie.

(Before you read further, I should point out I am a manipulator first-class. My mother had only boys so I became the repository of the family knowledge on "mothering through guilt and subterfuge." because I'm the oldest. It's like Highlander: There can be only one (matriarch) and there must always be one. I'm expected to pass it along to the first-born girl.)

1.) Takes you for granted and doesn't get you anything but splurges on her in-laws.
I dunno. I used the shame trick on my kid brother one year...he'd gotten me something ridiculous and cheap (we'd given him money ($300) to go buy gifts {for our parents, me, our other brother, one gift valued at $50 for the extended-family Secret Santa and his gf}...he spent $10 on us, $39.99 on the Secret Santa and bought the gf a used PS2 that when they broke-up X-Mas Eve (He picked an argument and used it as a pretext to break up with her) he kept, so really he bought himself a PS2.)...so when people asked me what he'd gotten me, in front of him, I pointed to something really nice I'd gotten myself and left him to fend for himself when people wanted to praise him for being such a thoughtful brother. He knew he'd fucked up, I knew he knew he'd fucked up...and he had to hear how awesome he was but only for something he'd not done. The next year, he didn't ask for money and bought nice gifts.

If she's buying gifts for her in-laws, what's her husband getting you? I'd tell him how lovely her idea is for his parents and start dropping hints about what I want. Let him have the "What are we getting your parents?" conversation. There's also the "blind gift"...you buy you a gift you really want. Then you gush to each of the children about how thoughtful their sibling is to get you that nice gift. Eventually they talk and each says "I thought you bought her the ______." Next year, the expectation has been set that they will give you gifts; between guilt and concern of being outgifted, you should do well.

2.) Bringing the boyfriend's kids.
I'd put my foot down but in a safe way. "So, does this mean you're serious? Thinking about marriage?" The answer is probably No. The response is that you don't think it's appropriate for her to bring his kids then. Treat it like bringing the kids is merging the families and merging the families is a big deal. I mean you have to handle it delicately...she could end up marrying this man and then these are your step-grandkids. Maybe they're nice kids.

3.) Husband is away.
It sounds like fatigue and one more thing on top of the present unhappiness. Carve out some time when he's home for the two of you. That's not Sunday after you've put in hours of work to make things nice for the family and people you've never met. It's possibly next Sunday...plan something nice. Turn off the phone...if the kids have a crisis, it'll have to wait. They're adults.

4.)Son won't help, plays games all day.
If you throw away the gaming console, you're going to have to listen to him complain...eventually you feel guilty and end up shelling for a new console. What you do is yell that you need help for just one second...and them proceed to give him one chore after another after another after another. Then you're denying him his games and getting work out of him. Worst case scenario, you don't need to trash the console...there's a wire between the console and the TV. Take it hostage until you get what you need done from him. It's small, it fits anywhere, it's not like he has any chance of finding it if you hide it.