General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: I Look Down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry [View all]IdaBriggs
(10,559 posts)People spend time where they value it, and if you are completely caught up in the details of your own life, odds are good you won't be available to solve the bigger problems (if you even notice them).
I am an IT professional; it is part of my identity. I am also a wife and mother. I am also the brains behind the Preemie Growth Project, and what I hope will be a new way of looking at failure to thrive/neuromuscular disorders.
I am *not* a good housekeeper, and I rely on another woman to help me care for my children before and after school. I have made decisions that impact my ability to advance my career based on the hours I am willing to devote to "earning a paycheck" (capped at 40) while my husband misses most after school activities due to his management level/salaried job; he works the more standard 55 hour work week, with extra time as required when "special stuff" comes up regularly. We are not rich, despite good jobs with average salaries for our skills.
As the only one of our partnership who could bear children (and wanting them desperately), we made a decision to keep all of us alive during my pregnancy by following doctor orders and going on five months of bedrest, during which I was not able to earn an income. After the twins came two months early, we managed our finances in such a way that I stayed home to devote myself to their care full-time during that first year, and then gradually re-entered the work force until I was "full-time" when they were 20 months old.
Babies require full-time attention, especially those with health concerns. This round-the-clock care during the first months of their lives was exhausting at a level only another parent can understand, and much of it is a big sleep-deprived blur. I was not mentally capable of much expect for keeping them healthy/alive - and my house cleaning was not up to my mother-in-law's standards then, either! Lol!
I continue to show what I value by where I put my time - the house isn't perfectly clean, but I am working on the write-up for the Project (which is at the point where I think it will *NEVER* be finished!). Realistically, when there is an issue with my children, everything else gets dropped, and bluntly, my brain moves to taking care of their needs first. (My children are six, so I am comfortable with this.) And reality is, while I am scrambling to take care of "everyday laundry, meal planning/cooking, housecleaning, errands, childcare, etc." I am *NOT* typing away at the Project Write-Up.
Thinking and problem solving take energy and concentration (at least for me); my children are wonderful, and putting the phone next to my ear for business calls is like a dog whistle - they know it is going on "somewhere" and immediately require my attention.
But for me, the child rearing years seem like a very brief time, and then they will be finished, while career will be happening for decades more; until the Magical House Cleaning Fairies put routines in place, since "servants" are not in our future, I try to do things with a smile (love FlyLady). I find no glory in folding laundry, but it needs to be done, and Mount WashMore is best conquered on a daily basis. At the same time, a lot of the daily drudgery of 50 years ago is more "inconvenient" than "impossible" when it comes to managing it, while expectations are still high mainly for the woman when it comes to "managing the household"....
A very thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing it.