Why do women stay with their abusers?

[Triana]

9. I wrote an article about domestic abuse...

Here’s the thing about abusers: they’re two-faced. That’s right – Jekyll and Hyde. In pubic, in the neighborhood, the church, around their friends, with virtually EVERYONE besides the person they’re abusing, they’re fantastically nice, kind, decent people. But when they’re all alone with their target – they’re absolute monsters.

So what would happen if the victim of this monster goes out and “tells everyone” how nasty the abuser is?

I’ll tell you what: NOBODY BELIEVES IT.

NOBODY.

“Oh (s)he’d NEVER do that!” – is the type of sentiment the victim is met with if (s)he mentions the abuse to anyone. Because Mr/Ms Abuser is such a “nice person“. To everyone else.

Meanwhile “Mr./Ms NicePerson” goes around telling everybody what a b*tch the victim is. How mean and nasty and unreasonable and abusive the victim is, while the abuser is just a perfectly sweet, reasonable, sane person trying to live his / her life in peace when that “crazy” damn victim just “goes off” on the abuser for no good reason whatsoever.

Right.

And everybody believes it. Everyone believes that the one actually being abused is the “crazy” one. That the victim of the abuse is the one who’s nuts. Selfish. Unreasonable. Mad! Got PMS. Whatever.

See how that works? And believe me, it WORKS! That’s why abusers use this tactic. It serves well to discredit (right out the gate) and marginalize the victim while keeping the abuser looking oh-so-innocent in the eyes of the rest of the World.

Abusers have two faces: one for the rest of the World; and one for the target of their abuse. Jekyll and Hyde. It’s a handy-dandy bit of “marketing” and image-making that most if not all abusers employ – consciously or not. Talk about catapulting the propaganda. They’ve got the market cornered on that. It’s probably where the politicians learned it.

A couple of websites, the first one in particular, help explain this and the second contains a tabbed page full of DV resources as well as various articles on the subject:

Here: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com

and

Here: http://www.escapeabuse.com

Abusers often will sweep a target off her/his feet in the beginning. In fact this is often considered what’s called a “red flag” that this may not be a person you want to be involved with! It’s the same way (s)he snows everyone else into thinking (s)he’s such a nice person too.

Once the victim is emotionally “hooked”, the abuse starts. First, it’s just an particularly cutting taunt or unkind word here or there. Maybe the abuser makes the target the butt of a particularly mean “joke“. Then, a slap here or there. Then, maybe a toss on the floor. Then, a few broken dishes or some stuff thrown around. Then, the victim is locked up in the bedroom or out of the house during one of the abuser’s increasingly frequent fits of rage. Then, kicking the dog or cat. Then, humiliating or insulting the victim in public settings. The victim is cut off from his/her family and friends because the abuser wants complete control and is insanely jealous of any interaction the victim has with anyone else (the victim might mistake this for “caring” or be flattered by some of it). And through it all the victim is constantly reminded it’s all his/her fault the abuse happens. It gradually escalates into full scale physical battering along with the verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. And this escalation can happen over weeks, months, or years. There is a clear " target="_blank">"pattern of behavior” which emerges over time.

Meanwhile, Mr./Ms. abuser is still consistently charmingly nice to everyone else. And virtually NO ONE – believes the abuser could possibly be so nasty in private. If the victim tells anyone about it, they’ll blow it off and consider the abuse victim the “crazy” one.

One of the best books I’ve ever read on the subject explains what verbal abuse is and how to recognize it. Verbal abuse is part of what often can escalate into other types of abuse (physical), so recognizing it first can be key to putting a stop to things before they really get out of hand. Even if verbal abuse doesn’t escalate to the physical, many people who have been victims of chronic verbal and emotional abuse in relationships insist that it is as bad or worse than physical abuse, causing emotional damage that unlike physical bruises, is much more difficult to recover from.

Some other things to be aware of:

When an abused person leaves the abuser – that is the most dangerous time. Usually when their target leaves, the abuser seeks to regain CONTROL of the person (s)he’s abusing – sometimes by any means. If flattery, gifts, money, promises of change and romance won’t work, coercion, threats and violence, kidnapping, or interfering with other parts of the victim’s life (job, children, other family members or pets etc.) will. Often when a victim of abuse leaves her/his abuser, (s)he is risking his/her LIFE – and potentially the lives of others.

It’s dangerous. Never mind any social or economic issues that may come into play as well.

It’s just not that easy. And if there is property, money or professional connections or a job which also must be protected, there’s that.

“Why don’t they just LEAVE?” “Who don’t they just tell someone/everyone?“

These are some reasons they don’t. Please try to fully understand before judging an abuse victim.

For God’s sake if someone tells you they’re being abused and/or you can see it, believe it’s happening. Please try to understand why they don’t “just leave“. If they do leave and then return to their abuser, don’t judge them. They may leave and go back multiple times – before they can finally manage to get safely away and stay away.

It may take time for them to even realize that they NEED to get away! They have to get to the point where they can see through what’s called the “fog of abuse“. There are reasons for this. It’s just not that easy to let go of someone you love – or of the dreams you had with them.

The problem with abuse is that the “someone” the victim initially fell in love with really doesn’t even exist! The Jekyll/Hyde syndrome in most abuse situations subjects the victim to a particularly mind and heart wrenching bait-and-switch. It takes time for an abuse victim to come to the realization that the “love of their life” is REALLY that monster who abuses them in private – not the “nice person” everyone else sees in public – and who they fell in love with at first. Who wants to believe that?

Nobody does. It takes time for a victim of abuse to let go of that dream and see the reality. Most of the time, they understandably fight it.

If you’ve seen it or seen evidence of it, you can tell others. You can help expose the abuser – both to the World and to their victim if need be (try to help clear the fog). Just be careful not to make yourself a target of the abuser’s wrath. Abusive people are very possessive of their property and very keen to keep up the carefully constructed pretense of their own innocence.

Victims often can’t (or won’t) expose an abuser – for reasons I’ve explained: 1) It usually does little good (because no one would believe them anyway); 2) And they’re often in denial about it. Just like an addict or alcoholic can be in denial about their problem, so can someone who is similarly “addicted” to another person be in denial about how much damage it is doing to their life. Sometimes, they have to hit some sort of “bottom” or the abuse has to escalate to shocking extremes before they can come to some sort of realization; gain “clarity‘ about where they are (and who they’re really with) before they can begin planning a move forward out of the situation.

And just like an addict, they’ll often get angry at someone who tries to intervene and they’ll push that person away. “I can handle it“, they’ll tell you. Or, " target="_blank">&quot s)he promised (s)he’d change!” But you never give up on an addict if you care for them. Your heart breaks seeing them broken and destroyed and their life crumbling around them and their " target="_blank">spirit dimmed while they try to pretend everything’s fine. You help if you can. You keep trying if you can – delicately balancing how much “interference” is tolerable before the victim/addict pushes you away. It’s a titchy situation.

Most people though (friends, family, neighbors, co-workers), just don’t want to “get involved“. But unfortunately “getting involved” is one of the only really effective ways to expose this stuff. One of the reasons it’s so damned insidious is because it’s so damned invisible. It shouldn’t be.

If you want to help someone in this situation, stay safe above all. And have patience. The abused person’s life is a mess. And they may not even know it or be able to face it. Helping them try to regain control of their own life is a long, complicated process. If they push you away, I think it’s more than likely they’ll welcome you back when they’ve achieved clarity and are ready to reclaim themselves. Sometimes all you can do is let them know you’re there if they need you. And sometimes, that’s enough.

So there you go.

© 2014 Seven Bowie

http://www.sevenbowie.com/2014/08/about-domestic-abuse/