She married him because she is an idiot.

[IdaBriggs]

50. Ask the same question about any of the other ways we as a society have handled this discussion.

1) Women only stay because they are financially dependent. NOT TRUE. Women are now able to be financially independent, and the rates of reported domestic violence have not decreased.

2) Women only stay because of societal pressures. NOT TRUE. Women who choose to leave abusive relationships are not social pariahs.

3) Women can't get support from the police or courts. NOT TRUE. Prosecutions of domestic violence and perpetrators of domestic violence regularly see court and jail time.

4) Women who stay in abusive relationships are weak and/or mentally ill. This is a currently accepted "truth" and I bloody well disagree with it. Abuse happens to all kinds of people - men and women - and there is no one "personality" that is more susceptible than another to it. We can debate the power of self-esteem and co-dependency in more detail, but to address your question --

There are two types of people who clicked on this thread:

1) Those who were MORTALLY OFFENDED by my calling an abuse victim AN IDIOT for marrying her abuser, who wanted to castigate me and explain what a terrible person I am / was / will always be. This is a message board, and those types of flame fests are pretty darn common. Fortunately, I am pretty centered in who I am, so the nastier messages are going to go whooshing right by me. I did put on some flame retardant armor before wading into this discussion -- yesterday was full of a lot of triggers for me, and I thought long and hard before I made my not-politically-correct post.

and

2) Those who harbored the Not-So-Secret Suspicion, that Yes, this woman had to be a Full-Out-Flaming IDIOT for marrying a man who physically assaulted her in a public place in a brutal and horrible fashion, which means she has increased her odds of becoming a "death statistic" in the future. I hope like hell I've explained some of the dynamic to those who can't understand it, because it would be nice if some of what I've learned over the years was actually useful to others, but more importantly, by bringing up the real issues - coping mechanisms and learned behavior - maybe, just MAYBE we can find a way to stop the damn cycle of violence.

But I am not a professional (which I've stated). This is my opinion, and like it or not, I've put it out there as part of the discussion.

There is a time and a place for compassion; there is a time and a place to try to find other ways of understanding on-going problems.

Eventually the thread will drop. I hope some of what I've said sticks. Maybe someone who is living through it can "get it" that if they *really* want a horrible, nasty abusive relationship to become a healthy, sustainable one, both parties are going to have to learn new strategies, dredge up the past/deal with the demons, and GROW in new directions.

It is hard work. Denial is easier. If the work doesn't get done, the question is only "when" things will get worse.

And only an Idiot wants to live with worse.