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In reply to the discussion: Okay, no spanking. I get that but what's this dad suppose to do? [View all]moriah
(8,311 posts)I have no problems carrying a screaming child I'm babysitting to their bedrooms if they refuse to sit quietly for a time-out. I won't spank, I plop them on their bed, shut the door, and say "When you're done with your tantrum, you can come back out and play." Depending on the age, that may be 5 minutes or 2 hours, but I let them scream their little hearts out (once I'm sure that's really all that's wrong, that they are angry and frustrated and can't control themselves). They don't have the emotional regulation adults do, and I try to remember this. It's hard. It's gotta be harder full-time. So I'm not judging, just saying it's an option next time she "refuses" to go to her room. You don't have to hit, but carrying her when she's screaming isn't going to hurt her.
I re-typed a book called "Parent Survival Training" for a psychologist down in Florida who was revising it. He specializes in "problem" kids, and has a lot of recommendations for stricter interventions that do not involve spanking. A "token" system is used. (Edit: Tokens are earned for doing chores and homework, and taken away for failure to do those things or failure to obey on the first statement. Then they use the tokens to earn privileges -- they can turn in 2 tokens for an hour of TV, for instance, or in families that have enough money, convert the tokens to cash to buy things they want, like an allowance but one they earn.)
But the big thing the Pearls and this PST guy have in common that is truth -- when you tell a kid more than once to do something, they learn they don't have to obey at first. So yes, there must be a consequence for every incident that they refuse to obey their parents the *first* time, and the kids I've sat for learned the first time I said "Take your temper tantrum to your room" and then when they didn't listen physically carried them there, learned I didn't play. It doesn't have to be a spanking. Just a calm(ish, if you can) statement of the consequence they have earned for their behavior, and immediate enforcement.... and follow-through.
I love kids, don't get me wrong, but they are born manipulators. It's required, because they have no way to get their needs met except through finding ways to make others meet those needs. It's natural. If they learn that Mommy and Daddy will relent if they cry enough, or will keep telling them to do the same thing over and over again without an immediate consequence, or will threaten a punishment and then not carry it out... well, that's what they've learned you'll do.
If I'd been sitting that evening, the moment she started screaming there would have been a consequence. "Because you can't act like a young lady and eat at the table, you don't get any TV at all tonight. Now go to your room until you're done with your fit, then we'll have supper." Then carried her if needed to her room, and kept my word on the TV even when she came out and apologized and ate supper. And yes, I have carried screaming eight year old girls, even though I'm only 117 lbs. I took a bruising a few times myself doing it.
But it's MUCH easier to be the sitter than it is to be a parent. So take my advice with a grain of salt and a laugh at the idealism of those without kids.
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Edit: Yes, once when I was sitting and a four year old was throwing a tantrum in his room, a neighbor knocked on the door. They wanted to make sure the kid wasn't being murdered or something. Once I explained and opened the bedroom door and they saw the child on the bed, kicking and screaming, but just fine, he said "Okay, just checking." Had I not been a sitter it might have went down differently.