Okay, no spanking. I get that but what's this dad suppose to do?

[librechik]

88. it all starts with you

I know it's difficult, but you must lead. There is something equivocal in your presentation that leads the child to distrust and ignore you. (and of course it's equivocal--no mom wants to be the bad guy, and our generation is always friends and equals with the child.)

But unless they know and more importantly, you know you are the decision maker and the enforcer, it won't show in your voice.
If you are torn between the 2 children it will show.

YOU make a decision and stick to it, and show that you are sticking to it, and the kids will trust you. If you flake off and defer to others or aren't very clear about what is acceptable (no explanations, they're kids!) they will continue to walk all over you.

The way to avoid this problem in the first place is pay utter attention to the infant and fortify their every need for the 1st 18 months as carefully and self sacrificingly as you can. At that time the infant individuates. If you have made it clear to them that they will always get what they need from you almost instantly, they are ready to toddle off on their own, secure and unworried about their value and their position in the family and society.

Follow that up with intense and sincere communication eye to eye with the child. Loving. Make sure they meet your eyes when you say you love them. Do it frequently throughout the day. Seriously, it can help avoid autism.

I raised 3 kids--this stuff works. Other methods ware iffy.