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bhikkhu

(10,789 posts)

58. I divorced my wife finally over it

Tue Sep 16, 2014, 08:11 PM

Sep 2014

She was never terrible, as far as I know (I work a lot, and she was home with the kids most often), but the one thing I told her was that she should never do it in anger, and I always thought of it as a failure in parenting if one had to spank a child. Two years ago my older daughter was "in a mood" and said some awful things, which she's done from time to time and has been good about apologizing and making amends for later. But this last time my wife was in a mood too, and hit her and pushed her. Afterwards, she told my daughter (who was sorry) that she deserved it, that she was lucky she didn't get worse and that next time she get punched in the face where it would show.

I can't imagine telling that to anyone, much less a child who loved me, and I can't imagine losing my temper and then justifying it instead of being sorry...it was like suddenly being married to a stranger who'd become someone I didn't even want to know. in a long talk with my daughter I tried to explain how some people think, how to get past it. But she determined that she'll never have kids herself, afraid she'd be like her mom, and I started working on the divorce the next day.

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The issue about hitting kids has always been an easy one for me. [View all] trumad Sep 2014 OP

Yes, it's not better than that canard treestar Sep 2014 #1

My mom smoked while breastfeeding my sister and me. NYC_SKP Sep 2014 #3

Now I have an image Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #65

And a Gin and Tonic! NYC_SKP Sep 2014 #67

Add to breastfeeding smokers and pet chicken for dinner. What an infinity of worlds. freshwest Oct 2014 #77

Actually, when young we sat down and ate my pet chicken, Peepee. NYC_SKP Oct 2014 #78

I dreamed I was a child again and Dad was beating me fasttense Sep 2014 #72

Hitting is always wrong unless.... NYC_SKP Sep 2014 #2

yup La Lioness Priyanka Sep 2014 #40

I gave my kid nursemaid's elbow when he dashed out in front of a moving car in a parking lot. hunter Sep 2014 #76

my ex-w raised 2 great kids, never hit, rarely even raised her voice. KG Sep 2014 #4

I can see why that argument works though el_bryanto Sep 2014 #5

You might want to read Alice Miller chervilant Sep 2014 #11

I don't have children and I'm unlikely to ever have children. el_bryanto Sep 2014 #12

I am not offended. I was just sharing information. chervilant Sep 2014 #32

John Bradshaw expanded and popularized the work of Alice Miller Manifestor_of_Light Sep 2014 #71

Thank you so much for this post. chervilant Sep 2014 #73

You're welcome. Manifestor_of_Light Sep 2014 #74

It isn't true that any punishment can be viewed as a form of child abuse. pnwmom Sep 2014 #41

If you're of an older generation, you don't really need to be labeling your parents abusers, though Hippo_Tron Sep 2014 #60

hitting a child demonstrates to me that you don't respect the physical integrity cali Sep 2014 #6

Yes, I think that's the worst aspect of it, freedom fighter jh Sep 2014 #9

A parent who hits their child is incompetent. riqster Sep 2014 #7

It is an act of desperation... 3catwoman3 Sep 2014 #10

I've always said that hitting is the lazy way to raise a child..... secondwind Sep 2014 #8

As I've gotten older and have more perspective I think Lex Sep 2014 #13

rec SammyWinstonJack Sep 2014 #14

Without exception, every parent I have seen striking (a.k.a. "spanking") a child Heidi Sep 2014 #15

When my parents divorced JonLP24 Sep 2014 #19

Jon, I'm sorry you were exposed to all that when you were a kid, and I'm sorry your mom had to Heidi Sep 2014 #21

I was referring to someone else JonLP24 Sep 2014 #26

My husband was beaten with a large belt as a child.. mountain grammy Sep 2014 #16

"I turned out OK" yodermon Sep 2014 #17

Exactly. Heidi Sep 2014 #18

I wish hitting their own kids was a crime in the USA Sunlei Sep 2014 #20

I've always held that Le Taz Hot Sep 2014 #22

If people say their religion dictates they hit a child, they should apply for a valerief Sep 2014 #23

Yup. Hissyspit Sep 2014 #24

I'm thinking more and more that their addiction to child beating is actually sexual. DesertDiamond Sep 2014 #25

The science here is clear. SoLeftIAmRight Sep 2014 #27

After being whipped with a belt as a child I swore I would not do that to my own kids. Dustlawyer Sep 2014 #28

90% of the time a parent hits a child its due to rage and frustration tularetom Sep 2014 #29

where the hell 1dogleft Sep 2014 #57

I've got proof of the opposite -- I've never struck my kids, and they turned out AWESOME. byronius Sep 2014 #30

How in the hell am I supposed to teach my child it's not ok to hit other people AtheistCrusader Sep 2014 #31

K & R Liberal_Dog Sep 2014 #33

I was an abused child maindawg Sep 2014 #34

being beaten is humiliating for adults and children noiretextatique Sep 2014 #35

Yep, Easy colsohlibgal Sep 2014 #36

Except it isn't really easy to know, which is why you still feel a little guilty. pnwmom Sep 2014 #38

Who wants to be the kind of parent with great adult kids pnwmom Sep 2014 #37

Your adult children had years of training from you in keeping their mouths shut. fishwax Sep 2014 #43

a bully with no self control is how i see people who hit children La Lioness Priyanka Sep 2014 #39

There is a huge class divide in spanking/whupping kids AngryAmish Sep 2014 #42

it is hardly universal outside the US. In many places its illegal. fishwax Sep 2014 #44

Some european countries make it illegal AngryAmish Sep 2014 #45

Slavery was prevalent around the world for eons, until it wasn't. That doesn't make it acceptable. pnwmom Sep 2014 #47

Well, it isn't just Europe--countries in South America and Africa as well fishwax Sep 2014 #68

It is a safe and settled fact that stressed out, frazzled, angry, pnwmom Sep 2014 #46

Yeah, those proles are all criminal anyway.... AngryAmish Sep 2014 #48

For some reason you're standing up for child abuse. pnwmom Sep 2014 #50

I am not Amish. AngryAmish Sep 2014 #54

People who were raised Amish and left the community usually use computers. pnwmom Sep 2014 #55

Next time I won't dissent. AngryAmish Sep 2014 #56

Is that evidence that hitting a kid isn't child abuse? phil89 Sep 2014 #52

there is nothing "normal" about beating humans who are smaller than you noiretextatique Sep 2014 #59

Please do share some peer reviewed studies demonstrating this class divide Hippo_Tron Sep 2014 #62

Look at the U of Texas studies AngryAmish Sep 2014 #64

Please link to the studies you're talking about, so I can know we're reading the same thing... Hippo_Tron Sep 2014 #66

Good post and I agree. I think that in a lot of cases the parent is frustrated over something rhett o rick Sep 2014 #49

everything about hitting to punish or teach is contradictive to what i teach my boys in life. seabeyond Sep 2014 #51

Corporal punishment was the norm when I was growing up not Cleita Sep 2014 #53

I divorced my wife finally over it bhikkhu Sep 2014 #58

the number of posters on this site who have been upholding this abuse of children as acceptable, niyad Sep 2014 #61

Fear or respect...kids learn both very, very early. Rex Sep 2014 #63

My second child was WHACKO as a two year old leftieNanner Sep 2014 #69

Hmm davidthegnome Sep 2014 #70

Agreed 100%. I haven't Jamaal510 Sep 2014 #75