Citing Security Concerns, Boehner to Do All Drinking at Work/ reasons are reported by Andy Borowitz [View all]

[Mira]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Citing what he called “security concerns,” House Speaker John Boehner said on Wednesday that he would do all of his drinking at the office for the foreseeable future.

Boehner said that he may have to stay at work later in order to get his drinking done, but added, “I’m doing it for the American people. They need to know that their Speaker is safe.”

Calling the move “a temporary security measure taken out of an abundance of caution,” the Ohio Republican said that his decision to do all of his drinking at the office “should in no way be seen as a negative comment on the nation’s bartenders, who do fine work.”


“To the men and ladies who stand behind the bar, let me say this: ‘I’ll be back,’ ” he said, choking up.


Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report for newyorker.com.