Today is the 25th anniversary of my sobriety.

[90-percent]

106. Congratultions. Makes me want to share.....

Alcoholism is one nasty pernicious disease. My wife was an alcoholic. I knew she had drinking problems when I married her, but so did I. I thought; “Wow! She’s great. She’s the first woman I met that wasn’t horrified by my drinking.”

She found AA early in our marriage and went in and out. I think she “got with the program” around 1995 and stayed with it long enough to earn her ten year AA coin. But around 2005 she relapsed and she always told me that each relapse was worse than the previous one.

She also told me that alcoholism is the root cause of many deaths attributed to other factors. She died October 2013 of head and neck cancer, which, like most diseases, is better cured if caught early. Around 2009 her dentist saw things in her mouth that were pre-cancerous looking. She had an irrational fear of Doctors and needles, so she kept her condition a secret from me for two years and HEPA laws prevented her dentist from talking to me about it. Sometime late 2011 or early 2012 she got a registered letter from him and the cat was out of the bag and by then the pain was too much for her to ignore, so she finally went to get checked out. First of three operations was September 2012.

She hated life so much I think she wanted to die and took action to make that happen. Or maybe it was “alcoholic thinking” that made her do what she did? The only good thing that came of all this is in her last year on earth I did kind of get her back, in that she stopped her alcoholic drinking, and we did drink together when we went out to eat, but she ceased the 24/7 consumption of about three big bottles of rum a week. I lost my job about six months before she died and I was actually grateful for that as I spent as much time with her as I could in her final moments on earth. It was bittersweet when she returned to mostly sobriety and fully realized how much “she really did it this time”. Her force of will was tremendous, and she was drinking so much she was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and jaundice stuff. But, she fully recovered from the alcohol damage by sheer force of will.

For the sake of history, she also suffered a seizure in 2007 as a result of a brain tumor SHE KNEW SHE HAD FOR FIFTEEN YEARS. A doctor discovered it in the early 90’s from a CATSCAN for chronic jaw pain. Her understanding was that, well, yeah, you’ve got a brain tumor, but not to worry. It will never get worse or bother you in the slightest. I do not think that was the Doctors message to her when it was discovered, but that’s alcoholic thinking kicking in again.

She almost died, but eventually got stabilized enough to have the operation and the prognosis was excellent. She would be 90% of her old self with proper care and rehabilitation within six months. But physical rehab was not for her. Instead she chose to stay immobile in bed and alcoholic drink, which rendered her right arm and leg somewhat useless.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize while all this was going on how classic co-dependent I was. My identity and self-worth was highly dependent on her, and it’s only in hindsight and therapy that I fully realize the effect of her choosing death and checking out of life and family had on me. She rejected me, her family, and her friends and chose death over all of us.

I always had hope she would turn things around and chose to go back to the wonderful magical delightful smart and accomplished woman she was, but, in hindsight, I should have gone the whole al-anon route and take care of myself and not try to change my alcoholic. So it’s only recently that I’ve worked on restoring my life to be happy and healthy alone, without depending on a mate for my happiness and self-worth. And I’m getting there. I’m revisiting my entire value system and how I ran my life and I’m pleasantly surprised to discover I’m kind of a fighter and I’m kind of finding my spark and drive to lead a full constructive happy rewarding life.

I went to a lot of AA meetings with her and learned some of AA doctrine. I like “take what you need and leave the rest”, as I’m more of a “rational recovery” kind of person. I’m a binge drinker and if I had the choice, that’s the type of alcoholism I would have chosen. But it still has plenty of life and health wrecking pitfalls that I’m well aware of and dealing with it rationally. It’s been a long time since I practiced mature self-control and self-discipline, but I’m getting there and I’m acutely aware of the dangers of my form of alcoholism.

Congratulations on your sobriety and I guess my point is this disease not only does a number on the alcoholic, but also to everybody close to them. And please try not to make the same mistakes I made coping with her disease.

-90% Jimmy