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[chowder66]

81. I'm so terribly sorry and I'm so glad he opened up

That really can help get the healing going. I get him a bit, though obviously he's a he and I'm a she so there are some differences there I can't speak to.
I tried to deal with it on my own and was actually getting almost masterful at it, impressed my psychologist when he met me but there was so much more to deal with.

Coping is what he focused on, my doctor that is. It was really important. He also helped me with depression in the most simple way but it may not work for everyone. He just said. It's okay to be depressed. There is nothing wrong with that, it's a normal reaction. He said if I hadn't had any depression then he would be really worried.

So I have always hung onto "It's okay to be depressed" it's my way of working through it. Granted, I am not a depressive person. I do get depressed over depressing things sometimes and not for long which is important.
And your brother is right, it shouldn't define him but it is a part of him and it is up to him in many ways to find a way to gain strength or insight or knowledge from surviving it and moving through it.
What I try to do when things are particularly rotten or oogie, is to remind myself that this happened over 40 years ago. It belongs in the past although the ramifications show up from time to time and in ways you can't know. Those are the tough days but they can be beaten back with a few good tools, hell they can even be blocked if you focus on the day and your life as it is and not as it was. But there are times it's hard and for me it usually has to do with others. Other people going through this that gets my blood boiling. I am getting better with that after I learned the difference between empathy and sympathy. It isn't perfected yet though.

As you can see, I had a bad day. It got to me. Though I was angry and not shredded. I feel like I threw up all over DU, sorry guys! But now that I've purged, I'm going to see if I can gain some new insights and if they don't come, I'll go back around when I'm feeling emotionally strong or I just might skip it all together and come back to it someday if I have to.

What I liked about my psychiatrist is that he didn't put me on anything. We would also talk about other aspects of my life and it wasn't always serious. It felt safe and at times awkward, especially in the beginning and he was a great listener. He didn't constantly talk which I think is a good sign of a good doctor.

I absolutely wish your brother and your family the emotional best!