My experience was nowhere near as awful as yours, but when it finally all came out it tore my family apart, and I had tried so hard to make my family be the family I wanted it to be. My mother hated me thereafter, because she hated herself. My younger brother was angry and minimized my experience. (You know what they say about siblings not having the same parents, in an emotional sense. My brother got the fine upstanding Boy Scout leader. I got the other guy.)
Dad died 20 years ago. Mom died 8 years ago. My brother doesn't bother to stay in touch, and when I remember the night Mom died and how I was shoved into a hotel by him and abandoned it still takes my breath away. If it weren't for my sister, that family would be gone.
Mostly -- well, there is no "mostly" I guess. What happens is that sometimes I think about the ages of my brother's three children. I want to ask him about his daughter, "Do you think this would be okay at 3 years?" (the age my dad got to my daughter) "How about 12 years? think that's okay if there's no 'violence'?" (me, age 12 through 13)
Mostly I'm okay, and these thoughts only arise occasionally. But it affects my life profoundly, because when they do arise I know it's going to be a bad day.
You can't make your family of origin be normal or loving. They aren't. Your parents know now, even if they didn't know then. Yet they choose to stay in relationship with him. My mother didn't know until I was into my 30s, yet she chose to stay with my dad until death did them part, and despite everything I tried to do to help her over the years, nothing was ever ever ever right between us again.
I wish you peace. It's a very hard-won condition for us. I have friends who screen their calls, always, and they have members of their families they don't talk to for very good reasons. Therapy has no age limit, either. Find someone you like who has a sliding scale of fees, and don't be ashamed to take a break, even a long one, and go back again.
A month or so after mom was buried and I knew we would all have to meet again at her condo to clean it out, I saw a silver bracelet in a magazine and ordered it. Whatever you think of prayer, this one spoke to me, and having it on a bracelet meant I could actually hold it. In abbreviated form, it speaks of the peace and well-being that people such as you and I and so many others think we do not deserve. It starts with "all beings" but it's vitally important that it comes back to "I"
May all beings be peaceful
may all beings be happy
may all beings be safe
may all beings awaken to the light of their true nature
may all beings be free from suffering
Edit history
Recommendations
0 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):
= new reply since forum marked as read