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[TorchTheWitch]

191. as I am now I'm not so sure

I've had so much trouble with my whole digestive system that I've lost a ton of weight I can't afford to lose. After that dizzy spell I got weeks ago and face planted into the kitchen trash can I'm already worried about any more. I've always had super low blood pressure and normally can't just jump up from, say, a squating position when you have to read a label of something in a store on a bottom shelf or I get really dizzy when I stand up and have to hang onto the shelf and hang my head down until my blood pressure catches up. Evevators are a nightmare for me unless they go fairly slow and stop at almost every floor. If I get in one that zooms up many floors I'm already in a heap on the floor. I'm always having to hang onto the those railings in an elevator since you never know what it's going to do. Normally, as long as I'm moving around I'm ok.

I've always been hopeless around little kids, or old people or ill or infirm people. I always have a weird feeling that I'll do something accidently that would hurt them or something. It's a bit like the same feeling of being the bull in a china shop that I'm about to break something or knock over a whole shelf or something. I can't think of a way to describe it, but it makes me tense and that I'm somehow in the way or taking up too much space or something. Is that actually a phobia?

I know I have to do some kind of job that occupies my mind even if it's just drone work. So long as I'm sticking papers in a copy machine or whatever I'm good. The worst of the worst jobs I've ever had to endure were the temp jobs where I had absolutely NOTHING to do. I'd be begging people to give me ANYTHING just to be doing something. The busier I am the happier I am. I'd FAR rather be rushing around crazy with a million things to do rather than twiddling my thumbs staring at a phone that doesn't ring and making paper airplanes just to have something to do with my hands.