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[tblue37]

171. When my grandmother suffered a stroke in 1985, she adamantly insisted that we never, ever

stick her in a nursing home.

Although I was very poor and running a home daycare at the time (while also teaching college as an adjunct), I took Grandma into my apartment to take care of her. She was diabetic, so I had to learn to give her insulin shots each day, but I was quite willing to do that, even though it terrified me to think I might do it wrong.

I figured that with a daycare, I was home much of the time, and when I had to be in the classroom, I had a well-trained regular substitute who was also willing to make sure Grandma was OK.

This worked out well for a couple of months. I didn't mind the extra work, and my siblings helped with the extra expenses.

But after a couple of months, Grandma got sick and it developed into pneumonia, dangerous at any age, but especially so when the person is 87.

She was admitted to the hospital, but the doctor told us he would not be willing to release her unless she was going to a facility with medical personnel capable of monitoring her and taking care of her, because the pneumonia had left her too frail and too susceptible to further illness to be cared for by someone with no medical training. He also though she would probably have another, even more serious stroke soon, and he wanted to make sure she was in a place that could respond quickly and effectively if she did.

With all my siblings pooling resources so cost would not seriously limit our options, we found a very nice place just about one mile from my sister's home, where my (at that time) stay-at-home sister and her kids could visit every day and stay for some time when they did. I live only 30 minutes away, so I was able to visit her every weekend, too. My sister had just had a baby girl, so she would take her little daughter to visit each time, as well as her two sons.

Grandma was so furious that we had put her in a nursing home despite her repeatedly stated objections to that possibility that she often wouldn't even speak to us when we visited, and although she would look at the kids, she sometimes wouldn't even look at us.

We had no other choice, of course. The doctor refused to even consider releasing her from the hospital without a guarantee that she would go someplace where she could receive appropriate medical care, and he was absolutely right. Even if he had not insisted, we would have had to admit that there was no real choice. All we could do was to make sure to find a really nice place and then visit her as much as possible--and we did visit a lot. My out-of-state siblings even made periodic visits, while my sister and her kids practically lived at the nursing home while Grandma was there. (The kids were immensely popular with the other residents!)

While there, Grandma absolutely refused to socialize with the other residents, many of whom made a genuine effort to reach out to her. She just complained that she had no interest in palling around with a bunch of "old people."

A couple of months after moving into the nursing home, Grandma suffered the catastrophic stroke that the doctor had feared was imminent. I am pretty sure that her anger over being put into a nursing home had more than a little to do with how quickly she ended up having that stroke. We continued to visit her and to take the children to see her, but by then she was paralyzed and largely unresponsive. A couple of weeks after that stroke, Grandma died. I am pretty sure she never forgave us before she died.

I think TTW is in a similar place emotionally. She feels betrayed and angry at those who are doing everything they can think of to help her and Yoshi, just as Grandma felt about us.

It breaks my heart even now to remember how Grandma felt, and it breaks my heart to think about how TTW must feel.